Thursday, December 30, 2010

Love languages

So I just finished reading the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman.

I decided to start reading this after the new guy asked me how I give and receive love on our last date.
I had thought I'd read the book before. I'd certainly discussed it before.
But when it came down to it and he was asking me about it I didn't know much about it.
I was pretty sure I knew how I gave love according to the 5. But I had no idea how I receive love.
Truth be told. I think I have a pretty hard time receiving it.
And I told him as much. But it made me curious.
So I bought the book. It took me just a little over 2 weeks to read it. It really only took that long since we had all the holiday things going on.
I think I would have had it finished sooner of not for that.

It was a very enlightening book to me.
One that I think will transcend into "regular life" not just my romantic relationship.
It really talks about how to love all those around you, from family to friends, to coworkers and of course boyfriends/girlfriends. Loving them in the way that they need, desire & long to be loved. In the way that they are most Lilly to accept it. They way they crave to be loved.

It took me almost the whole book to figure out how I receive love best. That and the quiz in the back :)
But once I did I could totally see the point an things it was saying on how I desire to be loved.
Now don't get me wrong it's not 100% right on. After all, my primary love language may be Quality time but I also need someone who will call or text, initating communication. I know that I need to know that the person really wants me. That they desire me as a human not just a girl or a bed warmer or something like that.
Which is hard. How do you explain that to a boy?
Is it right or wrong to let them know what you need?
Do you go into the why of it? The aside from the last guy I was seeing, every boy cheated on me? Or is that too much info for a new relationship? And if it is where does the whole honesty thing come into play. If I want things to work, and I think I do, do I lay it all out there? Do I expose my heart? Or hold it all tight and wait till things get farther along?

Hummm, things to ponder as we approach the new year.

One thing I know though. I look forward to putting into practice is loving others as they need to be loved. After all if we do that can we really go wrong?

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

San Diego

I've come to CA. A place I've never been before (except LAX which in my book doesn't count). 
I arrived yesterday mid day and we spent most of the day out and about. Hitting La Jolla Beach and then going "home" to my friends sister's place in Oceanside. 
Today we spend the whole day around Dan Diego. At the beach in Coronado, then Balboa Park, at the Art museum, then shopping at Horton Plaza. 
It's so nice here. Mind you right now it's pretty cold at home so the high 60's here in SoCal feel pretty great. 
And it's so pretty. With the ocean, beaches, palm trees and everything so green. 
I think I could live here. 
There's just one problem... The ex is from this area. And it's stirring up all kinds of feelings and emotions and all that. Which sucks. 
It's making me miss him. I don't want to miss him. I know things can never work with the two of us, not unless he were to come to know the Lord. And he shows no interest in that. Which just makes me sad again. 
But I'm not going to let that ruin my break. I'm going to have a good time and when he comes to mind I'm going to pray for him. And maybe pray for the new guy too ... There's potential there I'm sure.  After all I'm looking forward to him returning on the 3rd and really looking forward to the 7th and our date. 
If I don't eat myself to a new size before that. 

Saturday, December 25, 2010

I'm not a fan...

So the truth is I'm not a fan of Christmas...

                              (courtesy of Google Images)

I'm not 100% sure why or even when it all really started.

See I come from a Christmas lovin' family.

I mean they really....really love Christmas.  So much so that my dad has a Santa hanging on his rear view mirror all year long.  Now, please know that my family is full into the spirit of Christmas and all that.  And while my dad LOVES Santa it's not the real belief in Santa but what he stands for and all that. 

In fact I don't remember ever thinking Santa was "real" but he was always present...but I digress. 

That's not the point of this post.

Maybe I don't like the commercialism of the season. 

That could be it.  I HATE how the world seems to lose the total focus of what the real reason for the season is. 
And I hate that it's all about buying, buying, buying.  More often then not buying things people don't need and spending money that we don't have. 

Or maybe it's just me...while I am normal in the aspect that I do like a little bit of attention I'm not a huge attention seeker. 

I don't really care for sitting there with everyone watching me open presents.  

I keep thinking that maybe it's just me, maybe I'm odd. 
I'm not sure...But I thought I did a pretty good job of not letting my family know that I'm not a big fan of Christmas. 
Till today, when my mom & I were standing at the window watching my sister, her husband and my nieces leave.  We were commenting on the kiddos and all that and she asked me if I was ok.  (something rare, since I'm the "tough" one in the family) and I told her I'm just not that into Christmas.
Her response was "Yeah, you never really have been." 

I guess I haven't hidden it as well as I thought I had been  :o)  And I guess that's ok. 

I also know it's ok if I'm not a big fan of the holiday.

I am a big fan of the one the holiday is for.  :o) And that's what's really important.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Facebook Christmas Story

(courtesy of Google Images)
Have you seen the buzz on this one? The Christmas story briefly told as it could have been had facebook been around when the birth of Jesus happened.

I think it's a neat concept. I really like that it's only 3minutes & 51seconds. So it's short enough that you can really watch the whole thing.

There were a couple things that really stood out to me as I was watching yesterday.

Ok so the first one was when people unfriended Joseph and it gave the notification of 25 (guesstimate) people unfriended- I thought "Oh My Goodness" people can see that you unfriended them! I know...not really the greatest thought to have when watching a things one the Christmas story....but still it was one of my first thoughts.

The next thought i did have was when Joseph was changing his status after finding out Mary was pregnant.
And how hurt and confused he was. And how "real" that all seemed.

Now mind you we often hear songs of Mary and what her thoughts AFTER the birth could have "Mary did you know" and all that stuff.

But more often than not we neglect what Joseph was thinking or feeling as all this was going on.

And I must say that I do think Joseph was a pretty cool dude as he went through all of this. I mean it was a REALLY big deal having a woman you were going to marry turn up preggers suddenly. After all he KNEW it wasn't his baby. And we know how most men are Christian or not ...this would have most pretty upset, pretty wounded, pretty much going to guarantee that they were not going to stick around.

Especially back then when their society REALLY REALLY frowned upon that kind of behaviour. When I'm sure there would have been many more grave consequences for Mary. Not to mention even ones for Joseph if nothing else on a possible business side of things...remember he was a carpenter. To me that has to be a business that depends on other people.

But I was also thinking this morning as I was getting ready how God appeared to them.

And especially how God appeared to Joseph in the dream via Angels to him letting him know it was ok.
That this really was him. That it was HIS plan and HIS plan included Joseph.
But I love the way that God came to him when he needed it. When he was hurt and confused he made sure Joseph was getting the message.

And I often does he do that for us and we don't see/hear it?

After all Joseph got his message via a dream. But do we ever get our from a person maybe? Be it a blog someone has written, or a kind word from someone we pass on the street, maybe a pat on the shoulder from a friend or a coworker.

Now I know maybe it's hard to see God in those things, after all it's not an ANGEL...but maybe it is.

Maybe it is God using someone here on Earth as an Angel because that's what we need.

Most of us these days would probably think we were off our rockers if we had dreams or visions of angels.
It's in a form that we can accept. Even if we don't always realize that God is giving us the thing we need.

I often think of the phrase that I heard all the time when I was younger.

"You may be the only Jesus a person ever sees."

And I think that is so true...there are so many people who will never step foot in a church this holiday season.
There are so many people who aren't willing to read a Bible.
There are so many people who are out there hurting who REALLY need the love of Christ.
People who God so desperately wants to reach.
And there are CHRISTIANS that are hurting, that God wants to let know.

I'm here...
I'm listening to you...
I'm waiting for you...
I'm hurting with you...
I LOVE you...

Even now... in your pain... in your suffering.
I haven't left you...
I WILL NOT leave you...
And I'm sending your sister or brother to help you...
Accept it...
Accept my love from them...
And feel that I will be here with you...
Even when you feel that you can't feel it...
I'm here...
And I ALWAYS will be...

The Question is, will we hear it and choose to accept it?

And will we allow ourselves to be used to be that angel to someone else when they need Him?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A few of my favorite Christmas songs

So I'm not big into Christmas music.

Most of the time it gets old to me, real fast.

But there are a few that I really enjoy and I wanted to share them with you.

I hope you enjoy them....

Winter Snow- by Audrey Assad
I LOVE this song even not in the Christmas season.  Plus the video for this one is pretty great too if you ask me.  It's found on Chris Tomlin's Christmas CD should you be looking for it. 

The next one is by Nicolas Jonas (I can say that when I heard this song YEARS AGO I had NO IDEA it was one of THE Jonas Brother's singing.I was a little appaled to find out that's who it really was today but oh well I still like the song a LOT!)

For me WORDs are key with me when it comes to songs.  Not that music in it isn't very important as well with setting the mood and all that but words just speak so here you go. 


Faith Barista Jam

I love getting my Wednesday emails from Bonnie over at Faith Barista (
They offer the topic of what the Jam for Thursday will be.
And honestly I LOVE getting mine finished before she posts her’s.

Odd right? – well it’s just because of 2 things 1.) I love reading hers and want to do so right away. 2.) If I finish before she posts my thoughts aren’t mixed with hers- and many times we end up right on the same thought line which is just so God to me.

So this week’s topic is “Unwrapping Jesus”

                                 (courtsey of Google Images)

My first thought goes right to the Christmas season and gifts that are given.
And since the whole season SHOULD be revolving around Jesus I think this is a very fitting topic.
The question comes to mind, how do you open your presents Christmas morning?
Are you the type that tears into the gifts quickly? Or are you a slow unwrapper?

Personally I’m a slow one when it comes to Christmas presents. It started this way when I was teenager and my younger sister wanted me to go faster, so I went slower. Not nice I know but I promise I'm much nicer to her now.  These days I just don’t care much about what I’m getting so I'm still slow. Plus I usually know most of my gifts since I do the shopping for others. – I’m picky and hard to buy for so I often buy my gifts for the others.

But when it comes to unwrapping Jesus I think slow is SO NOT the way to go.

When we are unwrapping Jesus we should be like a kid on Christmas morning. Ripping the paper off with reckless abandon.
We should be excited and hyper when it comes to getting this present.
Barely being able to sleep the night before in gleeful anticipation of what the gift will be the next morning.
We can be like that every day- should be like that every day.

Because the gift of Jesus is a gift that never stops giving.

And it’s a gift we should never stop unwrapping.

Pause for a moment on that line. And think about it.

See our faith in Christ isn’t something that once open, once received is done.
Our faith can (and should) grow – daily even if allowed.

In little and big things.

In everyday things.

We should be taking the time to open our gift-via our Bibles, Our prayer lives, our acts of kindness toward others, welcoming the Holy Spirit, and seeking that gift giver.

Not in just what Christ gives but in who He is.

We should be learning more each day, seeking his face not his hand alone.  Seeking what those gifts are that he has in store for us, waiting for us to discover. 

And he will bring all things to us. He will provide for us. Care for us, not just our physical needs but also our emotional and spiritual ones.  He will supply us with Peace, Hope, Joy, Contentment, LOVE, Grace....(you know I could keep going there.)   :o)

But we also need to know, to learn about this gift so we can work the gifts He freely gives us.  Hence the DAILY unwrapping of our gift. 

John 114:13
And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

Matthew 18:18

Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

Luke 11:9

So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

I know that in my humanity I can often be forgetful. And I need the reminders of who God really is daily.
I also know that I should be learning and growing closer to him daily.
That I should be making time to spend with Him daily.
Do I think he understands when I don’t? When my day was too busy and I forgot.
I do, because he is understanding but I also think it hurts him when I get caught up in the world, and push him aside- intentional or unintentional. Because....

After all God not only GAVE the GREATEST GIFT- He IS the GREATEST GIFT.

And I want to honor that.

1John 2:15

Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world you do not have the love of the Father in you.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.

Date Night

Last night was my second date with Zoolander. (3rd if you count the non-date/date)

That's what I plan to call him going forward due to the whole modeling thing and all that.
Plus Zoolander is a HILARIOUS movie, so everytime I think it or say it
(Courtesy of Google Images)

one of these images from the movie comes to mind and just makes me laugh or smile and that is always a good thing. 
Things seems to be going really well with Zoolander, I find that I'm really looking forward to going out with him when we arange to.
And he's easy to talk to for the most part.

But I'm SO bad at this whole dating thing. 
Horrible at it.

He asks questions which yes I know you're supposed to ask them when getting to know someone. 
But I find I'm really not comfortable with talking about myself for the most part. 
Or he'll ask something and I just don't know - I can't seem to come up with the answer, so while I'm trying to answer I'll be thinking to myself this isn't right,  that's not what I want to say, or something like that will be running through my head. 
It's stupid really. 

But I'm at a total loss for what I need to do. 

And lets face it, I'm scared.  I think I might have mentioned that before. 
But what do I do?  How do I get past this fear of being hurt again?  I know that fear is bad.  I know that it's not from God.  I know that He is healing and that it is a process so it will come complete in time. 
But I don't really want this guy to think I'm  a retard in the time being. 

I made the statement last night that I'd been hurt, he made a joke out of it, basically saying that we all have been hurt.  (which is VERY true in most cases)
But the truth of the matter is I've yet to be in a successful relationship- all of my past ones have ended badly. 
On the phone later after we were both home I told him that.  So I really don't know what he thinks of it, but I guess it was something I really needed to say.  Which is probably just one more mark on the crazy side for me.  :o( 

What do you think? 

Friday, December 10, 2010


I'm an Aunt again for the 2nd time.
Ellie Ryan
born 12/9/10
via C section
around 7pm
8lbs 14oz

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

On My Mind

There seems to be so much on my mind these days.

Some of it good- like the new guy, that's good. 

Not all of it is good though.

There are lots of things happening in the world today. 
Lot's of things that cause one to question things.

Like a blogger friend of mine who struggles with infertility and just had a failed attempt to get pregnant.
She has a desire to be pregnant so bad.  It's one thing that she seems to want more than anything else.
But endo has taken most of her chances on carrying a child. 

Then there is a little boy in our area that is fighting a brain cancer.
There is very little the doctors can do for him.  They are trying some chemo but the doctors told his mom that they don't believe he will leave the hospital.

I also received news from a friend of mine who has been serving on the mission field for 14 years that she is coming back to the states for, well at least a good while by the sound of it.  She fought and beat breast cancer 4 yrs ago and only returned to the field just this year.  And now she is coming back to the states.

This weekend I also heard of a pastor friend and his wife's struggle with their adopted son.  I son I have met, a RAD kid.  (RAD- reactive attachment disorder).  The hurt and pain this child is causing (even when he doesn't know he is causing it) to his adoptive family as his condition seems to worsen- not get better as he grows older.

It just doesn't seem fair. Not one little bit.

Now I say all this knowing that God has a plan. 
And I say that I don't understand His plan. 
But I do wonder- I do have a hard time wrapping my head around the whys.

And even in this Christmas season I still question things. 
And I find it amazing how much this message of HOPE seems to be calling out. 

I wrote my blog post for the jam last week regarding HOPE for the CHRISTMAS season. 
And then have had so many more moments of God showing and telling me of that Hope since then.

Something I had never really thought of before (something the new boy actually indirectly prompted me to think about after our non date Monday the 22nd.  When we were talking about Christmas and his lack of really caring for the holiday- and my honest feelings toward the same but also noting that I love the feeling behind the season).

This Sunday the sermon of the church I was attending (I was out of my own hometown) the pastor even spoke of the hope of the Christmas season.

These are some of the notes I took that morning, he was talking about the Christmas season yet HOPE was so entwined in all of it.
Hope-the joyful anticipation of good

Any area of your life that doesn't have hope is under the influence of a lie.

Hopelessness -the expectation that nothing will change.

We need hope of this side of the miracle- meaning once we have the miracle we don't need to hope for it- after all it has already happened- we have our miracle.
When we don't have hope we don't care about what happens.

We have:

Hope because he hears us

Hope because he is like us

Hope because we can be like him.

Luke 1:5-?

The Christmas story is about the birth of John & Jesus 
(How often do we leave John the Baptist out of this?)

We see more angelic activity in the Christmas story than we do anywhere else.

Luke 1:13

Your petition (prayer) has been heard. (said to Zachariah- John's father)

As the pastor put it,The prayer that you no longer pray has been heard. 
See Zack (yep I'm calling him that for short) and Elizabeth (Mary's cousin) had been barren for a long time.  Zack was old.  I'm not sure how old Elizabeth was but let's just say they waited for a child for many, many, many years. 

Sometimes the realities of life hit and we just stop praying because we can't handle the disappointment.

YET the prayers that you no longer pray have a long shelf life in heaven. It still talks. They are still echoing up there


In the birth of John the fulfilment of prophecy and prayer gives us hope.

Jesus birth we discover a hope for a different reason.

It's the Me too aspect- someone gets your situation.

The incarnation where God enters into our story. They can understand. This is the God who knows what it's like to be human. A God who's present and knows what it's like.

A God on the cross who says I know how you feel.

We can't say- you don't know how I feel. You don't know what it's like.

He's been through everything we will ever go through.

God became like us so he can know what it is to be like us.

There is Hope in the Christmas story so we could become like him.

If Jesus did all things as the son of God instead of the son of man thru the holy spirit it would be different.  But He didn't- he did it - In right relationship with God.
He couldn't do things by himself and the spirit of God came upon him.

The son of God became and man so man could become sons of God. CS Lewis.

Acts 10:38

Faith is the substance of things hoped for.

Romans 15:5-6

If I could say anything to any of the people mentioned above, even the ones that already know this, would be this thing.

Don't give up hope.
Cling to it.  Hold on tight.
We have HOPE no matter what our circumstances are.
No matter what path we walk or where we are in our life's journey.

We have a God who brings us HOPE, who gives us HOPE if we will just choose to believe in that HOPE. 
The HOPE that is in HIM, not in us, not in ourselves, our jobs, our spouse, families, doctors or anything at all. 
But our HOPE in HIM. 
It changes all the rules of the game we call life.

No Date...

Well, no date last night just as I expected. 

But really what are you going to do?  If you're sick you're sick.

I've been told it will be made up to me, which really in my mind isn't necessary but I think it's sweet that he thinks so. 
Of course today he told me all about his congestion, headache & snot....that's right ladies he told me snot was one of his symptoms. 
And while generally speaking, that's really gross, it made me laugh.
Because really what do you say in response to snot.

Anyhow, I'll have a "real" post for you all later. 

Monday, December 6, 2010

Big sigh...

Well, tonight may not happen either. :o(

Got a text from the new guy who said he is sick.

On drugs, and hoping that he will feel better by this evening but it's possible tonight is going to be a no go as well.

I do totally understand though since I was sick last week myself. 

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Slightly disappointed

Well, right now I should be out with the new boy.

But obviously if I'm writing this I'm not.  :o(
It's ok, really it is.  I am disappointed, which to me actually is a good thing.
After all it helps me to see that I'm somewhat vested in this. 

That I'm not keeping my self fully at a distance. 

That I can see potential. 

And he had a good reason.
See he's on the church worship team and they had a slight issue come up.
One where they needed to have a meeting. 
It just happened that they needed to have the meeting tonight. 
They didn't think it should wait.  That they need to take care of the issue before it became a bigger issue.
I since I've worked other churches and currently work in my own church I do understand all of that.
He called as soon as as he got out of church this morning to let me know.  Apologised and we are set for tomorrow night instead.
Which I'm looking forward to.

But I am still slightly disappointed that we couldn't do tonight.

Though on the other hand I'm very exhausted from my weekend away.
So much so I think I may end up in bed around 8:30.
Which being this tired would not have been good for the date.

So tomorrow is a new day and God's timing is perfect.

So here's to tomorrow night.  :o)

Full of potential and expectation.

Saturday, December 4, 2010


So yesterday's lunch date went good. 

I will say that I'm not a big fan of lunch dates though. 
It seemed like we finally got to a point of rolling conversation and then it was time to go back to work.  An hour (less really if you count drive time) just isn't long enough at this point. 

But I had a good time. It was nice. And I'm finding myself thinking I can do this. 
And not only that I can but I want too. 

He just seems really nice. And sweet. 
Plus he seems to pickup on the fact that I'm going to need to take things slow. 
But he seems totally ok with that. 
I realized something too, today when I had to pause in writing this post. 
He asked me yesterday how my week was. 
Now I know that may not seem like a big deal but when I was with the other guy I can't tell you the last time he asked how my day/week was or anything like that. 

New guy not only asked but when I said it was ok, wanted to know why it was just ok. I've been sick since Tuesday (sinus infection) which puts a damper on the week. 
So big time brownie points to him. Ones he doesn't even know he scored. Because too even though I have a great family I'm not the one "worried" about most of the time. So that's something that's very important to me in a future spouse. 

So, even though I wasn't looking for this. Even though I worried about the timing. Even though I worry about finding time. And even though I don't really know if this is "the one" (or that I really believe in that). 
I find that I'm excited. That I'm healing from the past hurts, that I deserve a nice guy, and that there are still nice guys out there. 

Tomorrow night we have our 2nd date. 
I'm looking forward to it. I just wish I knew what I should wear. :o)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Tomorrow's the Date....

So, I can't remember if I posted that the new guy finally called or not. 

But he did, Monday night.

And the call went well, really well.  There was a lot of laughing. 

And we have a lunch DATE tomorrow.

We had to make it a lunch thing since our schedules didn't mesh well this week.

The evenings I had free (which basically were Monday and Thursday- and he didn't call till about 7 Monday night so that made that night out of the question) and the evenings that he had free didn't coincide with mine...he tried to offer to get out of some of his plans for Thursday but I'm one who feels you should keep your commitments so I wanted him to keep his.

But we both seemed to still want to see each other so when he suggested lunch I went ahead and agreed.  Even though he refrenced that a "day date" doesn't follow the regular rules that the evening dates do, so I wonder what's really in store for tomorrow. 

I will say that I do see now if this is going to have any kind of chance I may need to work on freeing up my schedule a little bit. 
Life is SO busy right now that may take a little time.  But I find that I'm actually willing to try to do that. 

All in all so far he seems like a really nice guy. 
And did I mention that he's pretty good looking?! :o)

If I didn't let me do that now....


I'm already starting to get a little nervous about lunch, but that's ok.  It's totally normal for me. 

Hopefully I'll have a nice little post for you tomorrow afternoon or at least after this weekend.

Faith Barista Jam!--"Your Hopes For Christmas".

It's time for the Faith Barista Jam again.
Hop on over to Bonnie's site if you want more details on what this is all about.

Otherwise today's Jam topic is:

Your Hopes for Christmas

I'm writing this ahead of time so I don't know what Bonnie is going to say but here are some of my thoughts and feelings on my hopes for Christmas 2010.

I think my biggest hope for this Holiday season is that my focus will be what the season should really be all about.
Not the hustle and bustle that always seems to come this time of year but that the focus will be on


I think that's what the season- the birth of Christ - really is about (in a nut shell because don't get me wrong there's the salvation aspect and all that.)

But the birth of Christ to me signifies the Hope that we can have for our lives, our future, our eternity. 

And my wish for this season is that it won't be just a season.  But that will be an ushering of a change in each one of us. 
That the "good will" we feel toward men this season will be something we adapt and allow to transform us not only for the month of December but one that will continue in us into the New Year, that will continue in us as we continue to walk this earth. 

I think if we can focus on these things, then the hustle & bustle, the buying should fade more into the back ground.  So we can really focus on the way we should be living or celebrating the season.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

What's the protocol these days

What is the protocol these days when dating?  You know someone new that you haven't been friends with and haven't known?

I feel really lost with all of this stuff.

And how do you know if the person really likes you?

Or encourage the guy to let him know you're at least some what interested with out coming on to strong?

And how does texting fit into all of this?

Yes I'm super CONFUSED

I feel beyond confused really. 

See the new boy said he would call...he did Thursday...Thanksgiving day...when I was out at my parents.

So I missed the call.  And out where they are there really isn't much of a cell siginal so I didn't call back till later (6ish I think).  Plus I didn't want to have to explain who I was calling to the whole family and all that.

But he hasn't called back. 

Now we've texted a little bit but I've initaited most of it

Yes I have a problem when it comes to that.

I get bored and really I kinda want to see where this may be going but the stupid boy just hasn't called.
And yes, patience isn't a strong point of mine.  In fact I'm still waiting on the one thing I remember praying for long long ago (well, HS) and that's a husband so I tend to not want to pray for it now. Even though I probably should.  *sigh* 

But just what is acceptable?  What should I or should I not be doing in all of this.

I should also confess....

I deleted his contact info out of my phone.

Basically so I can stop being the one to initate contact.  Because I really feel like if he is worth dating he should be the one leading.  I just wish I knew how to tell him that I am a VERY busy person and that while I want to see him again if he doesn't ask soon there won't be time to make to be able to do that. 

I should also say he has said he will call via text and that he does want to go out again. 
And I also still have the message from the old boy who sent me the new guys info, so I can get it again but this isn't as easy so it should help keep me from just texting away. 

But really any advice would be nice, for those engagaged or married feel free to ask your guys what they think a girl should do or not do as well.  Some male perspective could be nice. 

 Because right now, I don't know what my part in all of this should be. 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I've been hurt...

SO I'm sitting here thinking about last night, and the new guy, and just how nice he seems.

And while I feel nervous and a tiny bit optimistic I also feel well,....


Sadly, maybe a little terrified.

See I've been hurt before.

Actually almost every time I've been hurt.

Cheated on.

Lied to.


Not Cherished.

No I was never married in those relationships

But my heart was hurt. 

And I'm still so new getting out of this last hurt that I'm not sure I'm ready or willing to put myself out there again.

But a small voice whispers to me...

Fear isn't right.

Fear isn't from Me.

So I've decided, that though I may guard my heart fiercely this time I'm going to go out with the new guy

If he asks.

He may not and if he doesn't I know that will sting my pride. 

But at least I'll know I wasn't hiding in fear. 


SO I had a "non-date" last night.
Which the only reason it wasn't a date was because that's what I needed it to be. 

And it was nice, we had dinner and talked for a little over 2 hours.
That's a good sign right?  That we would even want to talk that long.

He seems like a really nice guy.  We have a  LOT in common. 
There are so many things there that were on my previous list. 
He's basically indicated that he wants to go out on a date - which I specified that he has to call and ask not text me for.
Yep- I told him that last night. 

And he just seems like a really nice guy.

but I think I may still be hung up on the other guy,  the one I only really stopped seeing last month, well more accurately 3 weeks ago. 

And the kicker- this new guy- how did I meet him? 
At the Halloween party of the other guy.  Not just that, the other guy is basically the one who set me up with new guy.
Yep- that's right.   And it seems really odd to me too. 

He apparently has been talking to the new guy about me for awhile.  Attempting to hook us up with one another, all the while he was still messing with me. 
Not telling me about this other guy till things "got to real" for him 3 weeks ago with me.

Now don't get me wrong- the other guy and I- we can't be.  Not at this point in time.  Not unless he comes around to having a relationship with Christ first.  And we shouldn't have been "seeing" each other at all most of this year. 
But the truth is even if we weren't classified as dating or whatever we had/have been seeing one another off and on all year. And even if he has been holding back how he feels since the get go, we'll lets face it...I'm a girl.  or I'm me either way I still cared more than he did.  And that makes this hard, because how do I even try to explain to New Guy what all is going on with out telling him about his friend and I.  Not that he needs to know details about our relationship but I need to go slow with things, since I'm just getting out of all of this stuff. 
And I'll be honest I'm scared, to put myself out there, to care, to trust again.  I don't want to be hurt.

I'm doing my best to not think about things.  Since that seems to be the advice that I've been given.  Just see how things go.  But not thinking about it is giving me a headache... 

But did I mention that he is REALLY good looking?

Monday, November 15, 2010

What a day...

So here I sit in front of the computer.  Knowing I haven't written in awhile, knowing it has been a very rough month.
Knowing that I don't know what to write. 
But knowing that I'm upset.
You see this year, I've fallen.  A lot, and if you've been reading this you know that.
But you don't know the half of it because even though I've shared I've not shared all.
I couldn't...I worry to much that things here will be seen by other people...
That maybe my kids will find out. 
And I hate the thought that I've let them down.
That I've let a lot of people down. 
That I've let God down.
And most of all I've let myself down. 

I know the only one that really matters is the 2nd to the last.
And I know that he's been waiting for me to hit this point.
But I think he's sad. 
Because I am.
I think he looks back on this past year and says
"this isn't what I wanted for you"
"this isn't part of the plan I had"
"and the pain you feel now, it won't last forever"
"I will heal this"
"just turn back to me"
"I've been waiting"
"I've never left"
"I never will"

And even though I know time will heal, and that I do have a lot of work to do.
That I have a lot of ground to gain back. To get things back to not only where they were but beyond that.
To get the closeness that I had with God back and beyond. 
Thank goodness God isn't a human, that He is so willing to forgive and love.

So my bad day, was pretty bad, rough, hard and all that.  But I finally feel more determined to get back on track.  I know that there will be more bad days, more hard times but I know I'll get through this.

Feel free to help keep me accountable.  Let's share what we are all reading in our Bibles and Bible Studies.  Let's lift one another up and if possible help keep another from falling. 

Thanks Ladies.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Rough Day

***Disclaimer- I know things aren't THAT bad- and that they will get better- That said...***

I just want to die…ok not really die but if someone could knock me out that would be fabulous.

I’m beyond sore today, which could have something to do with starting

(sorry if that’s TMI)

Which with the amount of pain I’m in and all of that I’m pretty sure all the other things were not just caused by my appendix.

Not that I really thought that anyhow since the doc had found 2 cysts –one of them being the abnormal one.

But this I’m pretty sure is the worst “cycle” I’ve ever had.

If I could pass out I would.

The drugs aren’t even working, well, hopefully they are a little. If not I can’t imagine how bad would be without them.

Since I’ve taken one of the 800mg of IBP, and ½ a vicodan.

And I was doing so well today, I had taken the IBP at 5:30am- because my doc told me to take it till it was gone for my muscles.

And that was it. Yes I was sore and in some pain but I really don’t like to be drugged.

So here I sit, at my desk, trying my hardest to focus enough to work, heating pad behind me, watching the clock, waiting for it to be time to go so I can lay down and pass out somehow.

Please know I know it will get better, I just need to vent a little, and don’t want to worry the fam.

And I plan to give it two months of cycles to see what’s going on with everything – I don’t think this one is a real clear indication of what is going on since I’m in pain from the other as well.

Then if I think I should we’ll get things checked out again.

***Good news though as well, I talked to the nurse last night and am “released” to run again. Or at least try to run I suppose.

If I feel up to it and take it slowly at first then see how I feel after I can get back to it.

Which after a week and a half of not running or exercising at all really – just a little walking- I’m VERY ready to be back at it.

Thank You God!!!

That’s the best news so far.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


Well Monday I finally had my laperscopy.
It went ok, except they didn't find anything when they went in.
Which was good I guess.
Thankfully though I have a great doctor who wanted to look into why I'd been in pain so she did some looking around.
Turns out my appendix was about the size of a tangerine (or a little bigger) when it's supposed to be about the size of your finger tip. And it had something in it, what I don't know at this point. I hopefully will find out on my visit the 14th.
But with it being like that it came out. So my recovery time is a little longer then the 2 days I initially expected. And I want to whine and complain at this point. :(
I'm still pretty sore and in pain. I feel like I walk like a dork, I can't drive (pain meds) and just miss the social interaction.

I'm not a stay at home kind of gal, and here I am stuck. :(

So this is my update plus my whininess all in one post.

Yes PTL that things aren't worse and that hopefully I'm in the clear on the other stuff as well that they caught this and it didn't burst because the recovery time on that is much worse.
But can I please get back to regular life?

Monday, October 25, 2010

Away lately

So I haven't been blogging much with everything going on I feel like I'm missing words.

I don't feel worried but part of me feels like I don't feel anything. Which I know isn't good. But at the same time is it better than worrying?

I can't tell. I'm trying to get into the Word more. And all that goes with it. And I feel very what ever it is it is.
Plus I'm still running which helps with the stress. But I just feel so blah!

I've got all these weekend plans a 5k Saturday morning, a wedding Saturday afternoon, a Halloween party that night. Plus Sunday activities and tons of photos to edit. But all I want to do is cancel on all of it.
Which isn't me. I take my commitments seriously. And to cancel isn't usually an option. But blah.

Sigh. I'm sure I'll buck up and get it all done. That's just how I am.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

How Does Your Faith Connect To Your Happiness?

Faith Barista Jam Thursday Topic

Sometimes I just almost laugh at how "ON" these topics can be. 

Today’s topic: How Does Your Faith Connect To Your Happiness?

Today's "Wisdom Hunters" Devo was also on Sorrow Removed...

“He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces: he will remove the disgrace of the people from all the earth. The Lord has spoken.” Isaiah 25:8

On earth sorrow is ever present to pester people—no one is immune from it. Sorrow created by sin. Sorrow created by death. Sorrow created by divorce. Sorrow created by selfishness. Sorrow created by poverty. Sorrow created by rejection. Sorrow created by loss. Sorrow created by fear. But, in all cases, Jesus Christ is the Savior of our sorrows.- WHD

Crazy isn't it how things tie together,  because honestly I can't say that since I've been having the health struggles going on that I've been super happy. 

It's hard to keep the happiness going with everything else going on. 
Not only did the health stuff start this month but I had to have a root canal, found out after the crown was put on that my dental insurance maxes out at $1000 a year (FYI it's much more than that to have the root canal, cap, xrays and etc.) and October has been a month with 3 weddings, tons of photo opportunities, bachlorette parties, family stuff and so on. 
It seems like it just won't stop.

And it can be a little overwhelming. 
It's hard not to let the thoughts over take my mind.
The what ifs and all of that.

The thoughts that this is my fault that my body is doing this,
the thoughts that this has been such a rough year already,
the thoughts of how am I going to do this,
get through all of this.

His word tells me that I don't need to get through all this myself
that I need to let my grasp on all this go
that I need to lay my burdens down. (1Peter 5:7)
HE is WAITING and WANTING to take them away.
To CARRY them for me.
To WRAP me in HIS ARMS and HOLD me tight.

He isn't promising me a life with out "issues" or problems. 
He isn't promising NO STORMS
He IS promising me that He will never leave me during those issues or problems
That he will stay with me, even holding me, through the storms of life

That he will work all things for His good.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Personally- I'm not sure I believe in always being happy.
I believe that "the JOY of the LORD is my strength" (Neh 8:10)
And I believe that where we do not always have happiness we can always have joy.
Just like when we have raging storms we may not have calm but we can have peace.

I do not have to have happiness in my life to know that God is there, giving me strength, giving me peace, giving me hope. 
That he will work all things out.
And that no matter what the result of these things going on are,
He will be there with me every step of the way
He will make a way for me,
He does have a plan.
And it all will be ok,
Even if it's not what I have planned for my life.
In fact with Him in charge I'm pretty sure it will be better than ok. 
And more than I could have probably imagined anyhow.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The News...

So last Thursday I had my follow up doctor's appointment. 

The 3rd Thursday in a row that I'd been sitting in that waiting room. 

I was very nervous last week, waiting for the results from the week before.

And then when I finally saw my doctor, she told me that my test results weren't good.

It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears right then. 

But I held it together and they sent me over to get blood drawn for more tests right away.

Which lead to waiting until Monday to find out if it was bad news or worse news.

Good thing is- it was only bad news.

The worse news would have been that it was Cancer.  However the numbers are low so she is pretty sure its not cancer.  You know how that is though, they can't 100% tell you its not because then you could probably sue them if it ended up that way.  At least that's my theory.

So just what is going on? 

I have a cyst on my left ovary.  One that has fluid and all that around it. 
One that causes some pretty constant pain.  No it's not horrible most of the time but it's almost always there.
Something I could probably live with.

But it could be an Endometrioma or possibly Hemorrhagic or Dermoid cyst.

So my options are  1. Do a scope to find out more  2. wait and have another ultrasound in 3 months (and keep having them every 3 months till its gone or 3. have the laparocopy done

But with out doing the scope  I won't know really what it is in terms of what it could be- just that its not cancer. 

And while I'm SO HAPPY it's not the Big C I don't like not knowing. 

So I decided to do the scope, if for no other reason than all this could end up causing other issues (like infertility, the pain could worsen etc.) and I don't want to wait and find out later that maybe waiting wasn't the best idea. 

So Monday I go in for the scope, my doc also mentioned that if it's the endometrioma and it's possible to get it out easily or if they find other clusters they will go ahead and burn them out.  Which I'm not so fond of considering that could mean losing the ovary completely (that's one thing she has mentioned).  But knowing that I had a cyst on my uterus the first check up and then I've also had pain on the right side I think that something is going on in there that I'm not a big fan of.  

And while I don't think I ever want to have my own children (I've wanted to adopt for a LONG time) I'm stubborn enough as well to know that I want to keep my options if I can.  Plus I'd hate to neglect my health and lose something that might possibly be important to my future husband (whoever that may be).   

But I think even though there are risks involved in the procedure that this is the right route to go.

I do know that no matter what happens God IS in control.  He will bring me through all this and all will work out to His good. 

Thank you all for praying for me and for all your encouragement this past week.  Life seems more than crazy right now with everything going on but even though I haven't met most of you, your community fellowship means the world to me. 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Choosing and casting...

So I had a doctor's appointment today,  actually it was a follow up appointment from last week which was a follow up appointment for testing from the week before.

Today I didn't get very good news from the doctor. 

Not that I expected good news,  you know sometimes you something is wrong even when you don't know what that something is.

And I had a feeling.

I don't fully know what the outcome will be, since today's test results well, resulted in more tests, that I won't get the answers to till Monday after noon but I'm hanging in there.

Even though I'm scared.  I'm choosing to have faith and believe that God will work all things out to His good.  Even if I don't understand it. 
Even if I don't end up liking the results. 

I know he has a plan.

And his ways are good and true. 

So I'll keep praying, keep my Kleenex handy and hold onto the following verses.

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you.

Matthew 11:30
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

the only other option is giving up and I'm to stubborn for that. 

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Sometimes its all I can do...

Not to smile....but just to keep from frowning

To keep moving...instread of standing still

To hang on...instead of letting go

To hold back the tears....when all I want to do is cry

To admit that I was hurt...when fear wants me to keep it in

To remind myself that I'm worth more....instead of allowing my thoughts to say otherwise

Life can be hard, and a struggle to keep walking.
I'll admit I've fallen a lot this year and it's taken it's toll on me.
On my heart. 
But I know that things can get better and they will eventually.
That the wounds will heal.  That He will heal me.

He knows
Even though I may not be smiling....I will smile again

That even if I stand still...there will be another time of movement

That it's ok to cry....he's counting my tears

That I'm not to fear....he's my loving father who is holding me safe.

He whispers to me, "you're  royalty, my daughter, I love you & you are worth the greatest treasure...even if I don't feel that way.

Bonnie from Faith Barista let me know that the Jam session for Thursday will be how does your faith affect your personality?

I think that my faith is so deeply intertwined with who I am it can't not affect my personality.
It gives me hope and peace.  Joy in struggles.
While things aren't always good,  or easy there is  still a foundation at the core of who I am. 
My faith helps me to think too.
Before I speak (though honestly this isn't ALWAYS, I am human) it helps me to think, how will it be taken.  How it could be perceived.
It changes how things affect me because I long to have a heart that longs for the things that He longs for. 
It affects how I think of and forgive others, even if they don't ask for it.  Even when I think they should. 
But over all it helps me to just be relax and know I am ...flaws and all...the person He created me to be.
He loves me as I am.  He loved me where I was in the dirt and grime before I knew Him.  When I still stumble and fall in the pig sty and get dirty again, He lets me know that He still loves me and will pick me up and brush off the dirt and hold me close again.  He rejoices in the steps I take toward him, even in the littlest ones, because He loves me.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing i desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalms 73:25-I6

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I wanted to change...

My back ground for fall.

And I just loved this cute little owl, and all the words saying I love autumn.

I hope you enjoy the change, it won't be long before Thanksgiving is here and before Christmas.

Since I'm talking about changes, I thought I'd chat about a few more.  There are a few changes I'm not sure I want. 

So many changes are taking place this season, aside from the changing of leaves and temperatures.

Soon there will be a new little one in our family (December 8th) then a few months later a bigger one will be joining the family officially. (My sister's fiance)

I wish I could say all these changes brought excitement. But really truly and honestly they don't.

In many ways they bring a sense of dread. Let's face it change isn't easy and big changes always seem that much harder.

These changes, bring so many thoughts to my mind.

Like, my one sister is already so busy with one child and a husband as it is, imagine what it will be like with a 2nd.

Not that I can't wait for my new niece to be here, I've gotten so much enjoyment from O in the last 2 years that I'm sure it will be the same with the other one.

But I still know its going to be a big change in her life and time.

And with the addition of the newer "bigger" member comes even more changes.
Like location changes. I've decided to move out, as soon as I find something.
In fact I've decided to buy a house, which is a scary undertaking all on it's own.

Since it will be just me to pay all those bills and pay for anything if it breaks.
Many people have told me just to rent, but I'm currently of the mind set that I feel like I'm throwing my money away doing that.
Why pay as much or more than a mortgage payment and get nothing back from it.
Even if I decide to go into missions full time it will still be a good investment to have, something that I will have to come home to or to retire with.
Something that will be there for me in the future...
Yes it scares the crap out of me....what if I pick a dud so to speak, that really worries me.
And I worry that I'll get lonely and then be stuck in a house on my own.
What if I can't do this on my own like I think, what if, what if, what if, ...

The list could go on forever. But I should stop think about the positives, what if by owning my own home I'm able to help someone who needs a place to stay, like a teenager who just graduated who's parents kicked her out? Or a friend who needs a break for a weekend, or just to be able to entertain when ever I want, to open my home as a haven for all.

There are good what ifs out there. I just need to focus on those and work on my budget.

It will probably mean less shoes :o( Which yes REALLY saddens me but I currently have enough shoes and I can always sell some of them so I can buy a new pair right? :o)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Thank you for Praying...

Thank you all so much for praying for me this weekend for my speaking engagement.

Your prayers made a difference, they always do. 
And thank you for the wonderful comments on the message as well. 
I'm posting it below so you can see what I spoke on. 

Just know this isn't everything I said, since I'm a much better extemporaneous speaker than I am a planner, but this is the general idea.

Our Faith is not an easy path.

“Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Mathew 7:13

I feel that for most of us many times our faith can be an uphill climb. I know it’s been that way for me at times, sometimes even daily. But I cling to the hope that is in Christ. And I work at it. Even in my struggles in my feelings of not being good enough. Even on the days where I mess up big time. I work to get back up. Often it’s not easy but more often than not it’s the things that we work hard for that we value the most.

And sometimes our lives are just like that field that the pioneers planted. We feel we have plowed and plowed, planted and planted, watered and weeded. We’ve tended our crops but still we work and wait for the harvest.

Our faith is like the harvest we are waiting on. But to get that harvest we must tend our crops.

We must cultivate our faith- EVERY DAY.

For like the pioneer women who couldn’t stop or they, their families, their farms would face ruin. We too will do the same. Our faith will wither if not tended.

“Behold, a sower went out to sow.  And as he sowed, some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds came and devoured them. Some fell on stony places, where they did not have much earth; and they immediately sprang up because they had no depth of earth.  But when the sun was up they were scorched, and because they had no root they withered away. And some fell among thorns, and the thorns sprang up and choked them.  But others fell on good ground and yielded a crop: some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. Mathew 13:3-8

I’ve always loved this parable. Maybe because I have a heart for missions and so often the leading of others to the Lord is talked about with this scripture. In the way that Christ is referencing the planting of seeds as we plant the seeds of Christ in others.

But I also looked at it in another way this time. There is faith involved in the entire parable. See I think that Faith and Seeds go hand in hand just in the simple planting of the seed.

Just like the actual seed the pioneer woman planted in her field or garden there is faith in the seeds we plant today.

Faith for the sower who is sowing the seed. Faith that the seed is good- that it will “take” or be absorbed in the ground. Faith that there is life in the seed that it will grow. Faith that the rain will come and water it. And even Faith that the weeds and sun will not choke it out or burn it up.

When it comes to our faith we don’t want to be like the seed that fell by the wayside, that the birds came and devoured Or have the faith that fell on stony places, where they did not have much earth; and immediately sprang up because they had no depth – We want our faith to have DEPTH. And not become scorched when the sun comes up because they had no root they withered away.  Or have the faith of some that fell among thorns, and the thorns sprang up and choked them out.

We need to have active faith- Faith God will guide us and lead us. Faith that he does want and know what’s best for us. Faith that he will speak to us and through us. Faith that he wants to use us.

But we must do our part- our “work” in all of our faith- our faith does take work. Work to just plant the seeds and work to tend it.

Weeding our gardens of bad things- like bad attitudes or thoughts –weather they are towards others or ourselves.

Tending to & watering our faith by staying in the word, in prayer and in church.
Sometimes it takes faith to just put things in his hands. To trust him with our burdens, fears, trials and to allow him to take care of things for us. Faith to allow him to carry our burdens.
And while it is work we are rewarded at the end. When in the tough times the work we have put in will allow us to stand firm.

Another parable He put forth to them, saying: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in his field, which indeed is the least of all the seeds; but when it is grown it is greater than the herbs and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and nest in its branches.” Mathew 13: 31-32

No matter how large or small our faith may be, when we tend to it God can take it from something small and grow it into something beyond what we can imagine when we first plant it.