Wednesday, April 28, 2010
You have all been wonderful with your thoughts on sending it (or not sending it) and I really appericate the feedback.
Most of you are on the side of sending.
And the letter sits in my purse today addressed and ready, waiting for that stamp to be placed on it and for it to be taken to the post office.
But I'm still torn. Should I really send this, and what are my real motivations behind sending it? The one person who told me I didn't need to send it said something to the extent of "this isn't anything new that you'd be telling him". And aside from the whole praying for him part she's pretty right. So why do I want to send it? I'm questioning here if it's that I need to drive the point home again on the spiritual things. And maybe that's it. Yes I worry that the boy views me as a big hypocrite. But is that his problem? Do I need to send a letter about that? If we do contiue to communicate, then it may eventually come up in some form of conversation.
And if it doesn't, if I'm now back on track with God and all that, does it matter if he thinks I am one? Well, of course to me it does matter, but in the grand scheme of things does it matter? No.
And I worry (yep I know that's not good, but let's work on one issue at a time) that the letter will anger him and turn him off that much more to God and my witness. Where if I take the communication (no matter how hard it is for me) that we are having now, I can use that or even better God can use that.
So I'm not going to send the letter. As I've made this decision I have peace about it. And I'm pretty positive that has come from God. I've been praying for the last 2 days that I'll know if sending it is right or not. Not or at least not now, is what I'm getting.
I'll hold on to that letter and maybe one day he'll get it. Who knows, but today isn't the day and this week isn't the week.
Side note--- I am getting the tattoo :o)
And that I am VERY excited about!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I wrote this last night, it's very heart felt. And a large part of me wants to send this.
I should mention that he and I are currently not communicating. At all...no phone calls, emails, texts (now in fairness he probably believes I no longer have texting).
But I am choosing not to call, text, email or really any other form of communication. Because one, I'm stubborn. And by stubborn that means I want him to be the one to contact me. And then two, I don't know if I want to talk to him. Part of me varies on the "I hate you feelings" and the "broken hearted feelings".
But at the same time I don't want to give up on him, on his life, on his soul. So I'm torn.
Do I send it or not?
What are your thoughts?
Friday, April 16, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
And it reminded me of things that had been said to me a few years ago by a friend who had had a little too much to drink.
She said to me something to the effect of "why don't you just take a break, stop doing missions, let loose and have some fun." Now those were not her EXACT words. And honestly I don't think that anyone there that night could tell you exactly what was said. All I know it that what she did say has stayed with me even after 5 years.
Or maybe better said is what I heard has stayed with me for 5 years.
I was hurt so badly because what she said had no truth to it. I have fun, I let loose, I do take breaks. Are they normal? No, but then again is anyone really normal? So if I'm different in this area its ok.
And Missions to me are well, like my life. I started when I was 17 and haven't wanted to stop yet. That's right...I HAVEN'T WANTED to stop.
To me they are full of adventure, fun, friendships, culture, and just life changing moments. For me to stop missions would mean something HUGE has changed in my life. Something drastic. Something not me. Its something I want to do with the man I marry (which is why it won't work with the boy)(yes I have to keep reminding myself of the why's still) both before and after we marry and something I want to do with my kids. Because...it's where my HEART is. It's not just what I do it's part of who I am.
5 years ago I don't think I explained it very well, but this is how I felt. And while those words hurt then, and honestly sometimes hurt now, they have allowed me to see the why, to look deeper into all of it. And for that I'm thankful. And honestly now I ache for my friend. What I didn't realize then that I realize now is how lost she is. And how much sadness she holds.
And sense that time I've also read scriptures about how the darkness can't abide light. And while I promise I am NO WHERE NEAR PERFECT, I can see how my life may look that way. Most don't know about the bad choices I make, in either thought or deed. And from the outside I often know I look totally put together, which is actually quite laughable to me. But I do have a light that shines brighter at times and maybe just maybe that light was convicting her and she didn't like it and maybe, just maybe, that's why she said what she did to me. I don't know and honestly at this point it doesn't matter. I still am her friend she's still mine. In fact she may not even remember what was said or that it was said. And she'll probably never know what an impact her words had...nor that they had such a good impact. :o)
Talk about God using something bad for his good. :o)
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Tonight I feel unloveable.
And while I know it's essentially a choice to feel this way, it is how I feel. I have a lot of whys resting on my chest. A lot of "I just don't get it".
Maybe -well no maybe- I'm having a bit of a pity party. (not that I have a real right to all things considered.)
Maybe I know that God does have a plan for me- a why for all of this but maybe tonight I don't care.
I need a good cry and that's what I plan to do. Cry-& cry out to God as well- asking for peace & patience in all these things weighing on me tonight.
After all that's the safest place to cry. With Him.
It's even safer than here.
Monday, April 5, 2010
And I was very happy to have it that way.
I had been torn the last few weeks about where I was going to go to church Sunday morning. See my church was having the Community Sunrise Service at 7am and no 10am service. And to be honest about it I was a little put out by that. To have to be at church by 7am means I have to leave the house by 6:30am which means getting up no later than 5:30.
I hate mornings, have I mentioned that before? When I was younger I was an ok morning person, and I do ok later in the morning but early mornings are just not my thing these days. I honestly think I don't get enough sleep (something I should work on I know) and that is why I am so grouchy in the mornings.
So the thought of getting up that early on a Sunday, was just plain wrong. Plus I had plans....see I asked the boy to go to church with me Easter Sunday. I figured anywhere he wanted to go would work and my not going to my own church wouldn't be a big deal since it was an early service. So I got my hopes up... a lot...more than I should have. And I was disappointed and let down Saturday when I called to talk to him about Sunday morning. And I got ANGRY...well, irritated at the very least. (I tend to only get really angry with my family, which yes is wrong but they are my safe zone where I let all bad habits hang out). Which also leads to me having to call later (once I was alone again) and apologize, sometimes I think he has to be very happy that we aren't together any more since I must seem like a total head case. But at the same time too I know for me, for us that if I act that way even if he doesn't really "see" it I still need to do the right thing and apologize. Which I did, and it all ended up ok. The boy tells me that he has been considering going to church but it just didn't work for him this Sunday because he had to go to LR for work. Which I could go into on all of that but wont since there's no point in it, even though that was what I felt was an excuse...so much for not going into it right? :o)
Anyhow I ended up going to the sunrise service, and it was good, gives me a lot of things to possibly discuss with the boy if he will let me. (Yes I probably shouldn't refer to him as a boy either but hey I'm not going out with him any more so why not? )
And I had a great day with my family at church and then following it.
I'm making good progress on my running as well, I did a mile in 12.45 yesterday. And while I know that's not great, nor is it where I want to be (yep that's the perfectionist in me coming out again) I have to consider that it's good for a never before runner or at least not horrible.
And the boy and I talked yesterday evening, for a good LONG while. And I feel a lot better about things. I don't think we will ever get back together but after talking some things through I'm one not sure if I want that, and two feel very ok with that. Which I think takes a lot of pressure off, both of us.
I still know that God has a plan, a future and a hope for me. I just have to hang in there even on the days that I just don't understand the whys of everything and trust him. After all, Easter is a SUPER reminder of what He did FOR me (and all). And if he was willing to go through all of that, then surely he has some pretty great things for me. I just need to open myself up to trusting his plan for my life.
So...sorry this is a tad scattered. It's been one of those days.