Monday, April 26, 2010

So I think I've decided...

So I've decided a couple things actually.
One, I think at this point (at least today) that I'm going to send that letter.
I'm still not 100% but I think for me I need to.
Do I think I'll get a response? I'm really not sure. I'm not even sure that I want one.
I've also decided that I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to start communicating with "the boy" again. Why do I say that? Well, he emailed me last Friday. Wanted to know if I was going to be at the race Saturday. So I emailed him took him ALL DAY to respond. Which kinda pissed me off...really why ask me a question and then when I return one not answer back? ....but anyhow he emailed me back around 5:30 Friday afternoon. Which was around the time I was on my 2nd Martini.
I don't usually drink, and the 2nd one was STRONG, so I responded to the email and then he did and then there was more response. So we communicated a few times on Friday.
I then got an email from him this morning (Monday) and realize, I don't think I want this.
I don't think I'm ready to be friends again, or talk or see him or anything like that.
And that makes me sad, which is bad. I felt like I was finally starting to get through all of this stuff. And I realized I'm not at that point yet. Because as much as I want to talk to him, want to know how he is, what he's up too, and everything it's not going to be what I really want.
Because if I'm totally honest, I want what we had. And I can't have that. At least not at this point (because nothing has changed) and really if I'm honest, things CAN NOT go back to what they were before because what we were doing wasn't right. And I have this feeling, because for the most part I know my heart, that what we had is exactly what I would somehow get sucked into if that important change had happened.
So I'm here still needing to keep my distance, even when it is still the last thing that I want.
Yep it sucks. A Lot today. But I will get through it. Even if it takes a while.
And after all:
Romans 5:3-5
We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; & character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
So I'm hanging in there with the suffering, hoping for great things for him and for me. And hoping that God will continue to guide and strengthen me in this showing me where I need to go, what I need to say & what I need to do.
I fall (often it seems) but what's important is that I'm getting back up with the help of the one who is always there.
One other thing I think I've decided...since that was the point of this post. I think I may get a tattoo...hummm....maybe.


S.I.F. said...

Yes on the tattoo!

But maybe slow down on the haulting of communications with the boy... You don't have to see him, but keeping those lines of communication open could be a good thing I think.

I don't know, but I think! :)

Leanna said...

Thanks, I've decided to send the letter so I'm going to hold off on responding to the email he sent me yesterday.
If the letter opens up communication I know I have to respond.
The hard thing is most people I've talked to think that the communication means one of 2 things. one that he just wants to be friends again 2 that he wants to pick things back up where they were.
the 2nd can't happen at this time and the first...well even knowing the 2nd can't happen doesn't mean that I don't want more than just friendship. So... I'm sure you see my delima.