Sunday, November 28, 2010

What's the protocol these days

What is the protocol these days when dating?  You know someone new that you haven't been friends with and haven't known?

I feel really lost with all of this stuff.

And how do you know if the person really likes you?

Or encourage the guy to let him know you're at least some what interested with out coming on to strong?

And how does texting fit into all of this?

Yes I'm super CONFUSED

I feel beyond confused really. 

See the new boy said he would call...he did Thursday...Thanksgiving day...when I was out at my parents.

So I missed the call.  And out where they are there really isn't much of a cell siginal so I didn't call back till later (6ish I think).  Plus I didn't want to have to explain who I was calling to the whole family and all that.

But he hasn't called back. 

Now we've texted a little bit but I've initaited most of it

Yes I have a problem when it comes to that.

I get bored and really I kinda want to see where this may be going but the stupid boy just hasn't called.
And yes, patience isn't a strong point of mine.  In fact I'm still waiting on the one thing I remember praying for long long ago (well, HS) and that's a husband so I tend to not want to pray for it now. Even though I probably should.  *sigh* 

But just what is acceptable?  What should I or should I not be doing in all of this.

I should also confess....

I deleted his contact info out of my phone.

Basically so I can stop being the one to initate contact.  Because I really feel like if he is worth dating he should be the one leading.  I just wish I knew how to tell him that I am a VERY busy person and that while I want to see him again if he doesn't ask soon there won't be time to make to be able to do that. 

I should also say he has said he will call via text and that he does want to go out again. 
And I also still have the message from the old boy who sent me the new guys info, so I can get it again but this isn't as easy so it should help keep me from just texting away. 

But really any advice would be nice, for those engagaged or married feel free to ask your guys what they think a girl should do or not do as well.  Some male perspective could be nice. 

 Because right now, I don't know what my part in all of this should be. 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I've been hurt...

SO I'm sitting here thinking about last night, and the new guy, and just how nice he seems.

And while I feel nervous and a tiny bit optimistic I also feel well,....


Sadly, maybe a little terrified.

See I've been hurt before.

Actually almost every time I've been hurt.

Cheated on.

Lied to.


Not Cherished.

No I was never married in those relationships

But my heart was hurt. 

And I'm still so new getting out of this last hurt that I'm not sure I'm ready or willing to put myself out there again.

But a small voice whispers to me...

Fear isn't right.

Fear isn't from Me.

So I've decided, that though I may guard my heart fiercely this time I'm going to go out with the new guy

If he asks.

He may not and if he doesn't I know that will sting my pride. 

But at least I'll know I wasn't hiding in fear. 


SO I had a "non-date" last night.
Which the only reason it wasn't a date was because that's what I needed it to be. 

And it was nice, we had dinner and talked for a little over 2 hours.
That's a good sign right?  That we would even want to talk that long.

He seems like a really nice guy.  We have a  LOT in common. 
There are so many things there that were on my previous list. 
He's basically indicated that he wants to go out on a date - which I specified that he has to call and ask not text me for.
Yep- I told him that last night. 

And he just seems like a really nice guy.

but I think I may still be hung up on the other guy,  the one I only really stopped seeing last month, well more accurately 3 weeks ago. 

And the kicker- this new guy- how did I meet him? 
At the Halloween party of the other guy.  Not just that, the other guy is basically the one who set me up with new guy.
Yep- that's right.   And it seems really odd to me too. 

He apparently has been talking to the new guy about me for awhile.  Attempting to hook us up with one another, all the while he was still messing with me. 
Not telling me about this other guy till things "got to real" for him 3 weeks ago with me.

Now don't get me wrong- the other guy and I- we can't be.  Not at this point in time.  Not unless he comes around to having a relationship with Christ first.  And we shouldn't have been "seeing" each other at all most of this year. 
But the truth is even if we weren't classified as dating or whatever we had/have been seeing one another off and on all year. And even if he has been holding back how he feels since the get go, we'll lets face it...I'm a girl.  or I'm me either way I still cared more than he did.  And that makes this hard, because how do I even try to explain to New Guy what all is going on with out telling him about his friend and I.  Not that he needs to know details about our relationship but I need to go slow with things, since I'm just getting out of all of this stuff. 
And I'll be honest I'm scared, to put myself out there, to care, to trust again.  I don't want to be hurt.

I'm doing my best to not think about things.  Since that seems to be the advice that I've been given.  Just see how things go.  But not thinking about it is giving me a headache... 

But did I mention that he is REALLY good looking?

Monday, November 15, 2010

What a day...

So here I sit in front of the computer.  Knowing I haven't written in awhile, knowing it has been a very rough month.
Knowing that I don't know what to write. 
But knowing that I'm upset.
You see this year, I've fallen.  A lot, and if you've been reading this you know that.
But you don't know the half of it because even though I've shared I've not shared all.
I couldn't...I worry to much that things here will be seen by other people...
That maybe my kids will find out. 
And I hate the thought that I've let them down.
That I've let a lot of people down. 
That I've let God down.
And most of all I've let myself down. 

I know the only one that really matters is the 2nd to the last.
And I know that he's been waiting for me to hit this point.
But I think he's sad. 
Because I am.
I think he looks back on this past year and says
"this isn't what I wanted for you"
"this isn't part of the plan I had"
"and the pain you feel now, it won't last forever"
"I will heal this"
"just turn back to me"
"I've been waiting"
"I've never left"
"I never will"

And even though I know time will heal, and that I do have a lot of work to do.
That I have a lot of ground to gain back. To get things back to not only where they were but beyond that.
To get the closeness that I had with God back and beyond. 
Thank goodness God isn't a human, that He is so willing to forgive and love.

So my bad day, was pretty bad, rough, hard and all that.  But I finally feel more determined to get back on track.  I know that there will be more bad days, more hard times but I know I'll get through this.

Feel free to help keep me accountable.  Let's share what we are all reading in our Bibles and Bible Studies.  Let's lift one another up and if possible help keep another from falling. 

Thanks Ladies.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Rough Day

***Disclaimer- I know things aren't THAT bad- and that they will get better- That said...***

I just want to die…ok not really die but if someone could knock me out that would be fabulous.

I’m beyond sore today, which could have something to do with starting

(sorry if that’s TMI)

Which with the amount of pain I’m in and all of that I’m pretty sure all the other things were not just caused by my appendix.

Not that I really thought that anyhow since the doc had found 2 cysts –one of them being the abnormal one.

But this I’m pretty sure is the worst “cycle” I’ve ever had.

If I could pass out I would.

The drugs aren’t even working, well, hopefully they are a little. If not I can’t imagine how bad would be without them.

Since I’ve taken one of the 800mg of IBP, and ½ a vicodan.

And I was doing so well today, I had taken the IBP at 5:30am- because my doc told me to take it till it was gone for my muscles.

And that was it. Yes I was sore and in some pain but I really don’t like to be drugged.

So here I sit, at my desk, trying my hardest to focus enough to work, heating pad behind me, watching the clock, waiting for it to be time to go so I can lay down and pass out somehow.

Please know I know it will get better, I just need to vent a little, and don’t want to worry the fam.

And I plan to give it two months of cycles to see what’s going on with everything – I don’t think this one is a real clear indication of what is going on since I’m in pain from the other as well.

Then if I think I should we’ll get things checked out again.

***Good news though as well, I talked to the nurse last night and am “released” to run again. Or at least try to run I suppose.

If I feel up to it and take it slowly at first then see how I feel after I can get back to it.

Which after a week and a half of not running or exercising at all really – just a little walking- I’m VERY ready to be back at it.

Thank You God!!!

That’s the best news so far.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


Well Monday I finally had my laperscopy.
It went ok, except they didn't find anything when they went in.
Which was good I guess.
Thankfully though I have a great doctor who wanted to look into why I'd been in pain so she did some looking around.
Turns out my appendix was about the size of a tangerine (or a little bigger) when it's supposed to be about the size of your finger tip. And it had something in it, what I don't know at this point. I hopefully will find out on my visit the 14th.
But with it being like that it came out. So my recovery time is a little longer then the 2 days I initially expected. And I want to whine and complain at this point. :(
I'm still pretty sore and in pain. I feel like I walk like a dork, I can't drive (pain meds) and just miss the social interaction.

I'm not a stay at home kind of gal, and here I am stuck. :(

So this is my update plus my whininess all in one post.

Yes PTL that things aren't worse and that hopefully I'm in the clear on the other stuff as well that they caught this and it didn't burst because the recovery time on that is much worse.
But can I please get back to regular life?