Monday, November 15, 2010

What a day...

So here I sit in front of the computer.  Knowing I haven't written in awhile, knowing it has been a very rough month.
Knowing that I don't know what to write. 
But knowing that I'm upset.
You see this year, I've fallen.  A lot, and if you've been reading this you know that.
But you don't know the half of it because even though I've shared I've not shared all.
I couldn't...I worry to much that things here will be seen by other people...
That maybe my kids will find out. 
And I hate the thought that I've let them down.
That I've let a lot of people down. 
That I've let God down.
And most of all I've let myself down. 

I know the only one that really matters is the 2nd to the last.
And I know that he's been waiting for me to hit this point.
But I think he's sad. 
Because I am.
I think he looks back on this past year and says
"this isn't what I wanted for you"
"this isn't part of the plan I had"
"and the pain you feel now, it won't last forever"
"I will heal this"
"just turn back to me"
"I've been waiting"
"I've never left"
"I never will"

And even though I know time will heal, and that I do have a lot of work to do.
That I have a lot of ground to gain back. To get things back to not only where they were but beyond that.
To get the closeness that I had with God back and beyond. 
Thank goodness God isn't a human, that He is so willing to forgive and love.

So my bad day, was pretty bad, rough, hard and all that.  But I finally feel more determined to get back on track.  I know that there will be more bad days, more hard times but I know I'll get through this.

Feel free to help keep me accountable.  Let's share what we are all reading in our Bibles and Bible Studies.  Let's lift one another up and if possible help keep another from falling. 

Thanks Ladies.


S.I.F. said...

Thinking of you friend...

Leanna said...

Thank you! and thanks for praying for me too. :o)