Friday, December 16, 2011

Christmas ....meh.

I'm so not a Christmas person.

I have no idea why.

After all I know the real reason for the season.
And I am extremely thankful for that reason.
But personally I could do with out the holiday.

(courtesy of Google Images)

Now please know I'm no Scrooge,  I love giving.  I've enjoyed shopping for others and all that.
but personally, I just feel no "holiday spirit" this year.
More so even than other years.

Maybe it's the lack of tree...(Tucker my adorable fur baby, will be 2 next year so we'll try for a tree then but right now there is no need to destroy a Christmas Tree).
Or decorations.
I do have a "Flurry of Winter Blessings" type sign on my door.
And a little Rudolph Statue on my shelf.
But that's it.

Maybe it's because I haven't watched Christmas movies, like I usually do.

I've been to a few Christmas parties.  And have another one tonight.
But I just feel....over all of it.

It's odd...

Like I said I've never been a huge fan of Christmas but this year I just feel even less of one.

Wonder what that means.

Regardless though, I do wish all of you a Very Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Do it all...

Hi friends,
Sorry it's been SO long since I posted.
I find that I'm still writing but more on a personal level right now and more journaling than anything else.
There are a few of them that I really want to end up blogging but just haven't had the time to do it or when I did have the time didn't have the internet access. 

Today though my daily calendar had this saying...

We sometimes expect so much of
ourselves that we end up feeling
defeated and don't try at all.
Philippians 4:13 says,
"I can do everything through Him who
gives me strength,"
But it doesn't say,
"I have to do it all right now."

With the Thanksgiving Holiday past us and the Christmas Holiday upon us
I know this rings very valuable for me right now.

I hope as the holiday season is surrounding you and you have many more things to do than normal that you remember the verse and the message behind it.
You can do it! Yes, but you don't have to do all of it right now.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Pastor Said it best...

OK, so I'll be honest, I've had a really hard time finding the words to put the post on the Women's Encounter together. 
I FEEL so much on it, learned a TON, LOVED almost every minute of it.  But talking about it....that's really hard.
It's almost like I just don't know what to say.
Or how to say what I want to say.
It's been odd.  Because most of the time that's not an issue for me. 

Saturday night at church though we had what is best described as a move of God in our service, where we could really feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. 

And our Pastor Said at the end. 
Don't try to explain what happened in human terms,  Sometimes things happen that are of God and because they are of God there is no way to put it in human terms with out humanizing it.  And when we humanize it we often lessen what actually happened. 
(mind you I'm paraphrasing because I didn't get exactly what was said all down but it was something like that).

And largely I think that was what happened at the Women's Encounter, for me.  In me. 
See I've long since struggled with love.
Not loving others really.  I think that for the most part I can allow myself to totally love others. 
I'm just way more critical of allowing others to love me.
And more certainly of accepting the love that God has for me and the way he sees me.

I know with out a shadow of a doubt that he died for me. 
And deep down I know that he loves me.
But it's really the level of love that he loves me with that I have a hard time with.
And the forgiveness aspect.
I know he forgives me.  And I accept his forgiveness.
But forgiving myself.
Yeah, not so much. 
That's a really tough one for me.
And I'm working on it.

Even though it's hard and I still mess up.  I'm working on it.
And I'll be honest, I feel much more peaceful these days.
Which is nice.
And I've ordered the book that the forgiveness teaching was done with.  I'm really looking forward to that. 

One of the other main things that I learned is this. 
We can either be a thermometer or a thermostat.
Meaning we can either reflect the atmosphere we are in or we can change it.
And I want to change it.
So even if someone else is in a bad mood, having a bad day, complaining or anything like that I CAN choose to not reflect that.  But instead help affect that "temperature" in the room. 
I want to be a positive influence on all. 
No matter where I am.
Home, Church, Work...heck even Walmart...because we all know in those daily little places and things, we can get most stressed and all that.  And that's where I can make the most difference. 
I think this applies to me too, in the area above as well. 
I can choose to love and accept myself, (not that I want to stay where I am in my perfections) I can choose to set the tone for the way I feel about myself and put a stop to all of this negativity I see in myself and change that as well.

So, Even though it's hard to put into words know that I had a GREAT time at the Women's Encounter. 
And I did infact make some new friends too....because you knew I was worried about that as well.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

24 (or more likly 30) Days of Thanksgiving

(courtesy of Google Images)

I'll have that post about the Encounter soon. 
But before we get to far into the month I wanted to share what I'm doing with all of you. 
Maybe you've heard about it and maybe you're not. 
But here's the deal.
Many people are taking the days of November through now and Thanksgiving and listing one thing they are thankful for. 
Most are doing it via Facebook (which is how I'm doing it)  but I think even if we all did it on our own it would be a good thing.
So here's what we do (Oh yes I'm counting you to be in already)

Daily just tell, list or remind yourself of ONE THING you are thankful for.

That's all you have to do.  Now through Thanksgiving Day - though maybe you'll be like me and do it all month. 
It doesn't have to be  a BIG thing you are thankful for. 
For me TODAY'S was COFFEE. 
Because I'm really thankful for coffee this morning.  And really when I get down to it find it to be a blessing.  Is that silly, maybe but I think that God is ok with our delighting in the little things. 

Here was yesterday's as well though too in case you want to go into it more. 
YESTREDAY: I'm thankful most of all for a God who loves me enough to save me.
Loves me beyond my understanding and does it even when I don't think I'm love able myself.

I thought it was a good thing to start it all off with. Plus with the Encounter Experience it really fits in and hits home for me. 
So join me...let's all think of one thing (and share it) daily. 
Who knows we may rub off on someone else who really needs it. 
And we may create a habit of thankfulness in our own lives that extends far beyond the month of November. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


I know it's been a while since I posted something. 
I'm having a hard time gathering my thoughts lately. 
Not 100% sure why, maybe it's the weather, knowing that it will change soon.
And that the time will change soon.
Which means darkness will be around a lot more. 
Or it could be that things are getting busy.
The fall seems to mean photo season.
Everyone wants them for their Christmas Cards. 
So I've had my last free weekend on the 15th (not knowing it was the last free one)
Until after Thanksgiving.
Meaning that I'm working those weekends, and more than one of them working both days.

I don't even want to think of Christmas.
It's going to be crazy.
But I know God has a plan. 
And it will all work out as it should. 

And I promise, I'll write about the Women's Encounter soon. 
It was GREAT though!  Loved it!
God knew all along that I needed to be there. 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Sometimes it's the little things

This weekend is our Women's Encounter. 
That's what most would call a Women's retreat.  But since we aren't all about relaxing and more about learning we call it the encounter.  At least that's my understanding as to why we call it that. 
This is my first one. 
Since this is the one with the new church. 
The Saturday night church.
I signed up waaaaaaayyyyyy back in March to go. 
Back when another girl I'd known for a while was going too. 
She's not going now. 
And while I'm looking forward to the weekend and learning and all that I'm very

See I don't really know the women at this church. 
I know of them but I don't know them.

I used to work with the lead singer on the worship team and I know she'll be there but even in the 9+ months of my going to this church regularly almost every Saturday night, she and I just haven't reconnected.
And with out meaning to sound judgmental I honestly don't think she wants too.
That's just the vibe I get from her.

So I'm going.  Friday afternoon.  To a weekend full of ladies that I don't know.
And part of me is scared to death.
It's the whole thing of what if no one talks to me?
(No I don't think that will really happen)
What if no one wants to sit by me at dinner (breakfast or lunch)?
(No I don't think that will really happen either)
What if, what if, what if....
The list really could keep going. 

I'm not even taking my car.  The small group leader for my group called last night and we are car pooling so no matter how things turn out in things I'm stuck there.
Which don't get me wrong, may be for the best since I don't have to worry about my ability to "run away" should things get rough. 

I know deep down it's all going to be ok.
But sometimes it's the little things that scare the crap out of me.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Trying to catch up

I feel like it's been forever since I've gotten on to post anything.
Life has been crazy.
It's been a good crazy but crazier than normal.
One photo shoot a week plus the regular job and youth work
Add in the youth work, Saturday night church, Sunday morning church and workouts and I have a hard time just finding any time at all.

Not that I'm complaining. I'm not. I'm enjoying life a lot right now.
It's good, I'm happy, and doing what I can to stay at peace.

I'm starting the "what women fear" book with a friend and co-worker.
And am really looking forward to all of that.

I'm getting back into my workout routine and am feeling ok for the most part.
Just a few setbacks here and there that I'm hopeful will work themselves out.

But it's also a time of changes too.
I can feel them coming again.
And there's so much I just don't know about.
What to do, How to react, what's the answer or what's the next step.
I just don't know.

So I'm trying to wait.
To seek,
To trust
And listen for that still, small voice.
Allowing it not feelings or emotions to lead me

Hopefully soon I'll write more about exactly what's going on.

Monday, September 26, 2011

What We (well, actually ME) Fear.

They have asked us to blog on what we fear over at Incourage, to kind of tie in with Angie Smith's new book "What Women Fear".  (the post is here ).  I'm really looking forward to reading this book, to learn some things, and hopefully find some grace in it. 

I don't fear death (really-honestly I'm not affarid to die), or going to places like Afganastan or somehting like that.  There's a part of me that longs for both of those things.

One thing I struggle in Fear in my life kinda boils down to wanting things. 

It can be a varity of things, wheather it is a new job, growth in my current job, growth in my personal endevors (like my photography), firendships, or even in meeting someone and settling down. 

I fear those things and often don't even realize that I'm doing it.   

I know that there is a part of me in those that feels like I'm not good enough,  not capable, or loved. 
The devil ceratinaly plays up on those things. 

Be it a tiff with a friend, a promotion of someone else, some one prefering the work of another, or even when it comes down to guys, their lack of attention (in the long run). 

I often think to myself why would they want me. 

Which yes I know is crazy. 
But they are often the thoughts that still run through my head. 
Right or Wrong.

I do know that I must take these thoughts captive and reafferm that they are indeed lies.

Somedays though that is easier than other days. 

Somedays all I want is to be loved and affirmed. 

For someone to say I really am worth the effort because most days I feel like I'm very not worth is. 

So that's my fear, and here's to letting go of all of that and embracing the truth of what God says about me.

Psalm 139:14
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Jeremiah 31:3
The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying: “ Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I’ve been there…

Forgive me…it took a little longer than expected to get this post up.

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of 9/11/2001.

A day that most of us know exactly where we were and what we were doing. That day was a hard day for most of us. A shocking day where what we as American’s, who probably mostly thought we were untouchable, were touched, or more accurately punched in the stomach.

Yesterday the events of that day were broadcast everywhere. On TV, the Radio, Facebook, churches. I don’t think there was really a place that it wasn’t mentioned. You couldn’t avoid it unless you stayed home and didn’t turn anything on. And even then if you knew what date it was I don’t think you’d have been spared the memories.

Yesterday in church our pastor read Acts 11:1-3
1 The apostles and the believers throughout Judea heard that the Gentiles also had received the word of God. 2 So when Peter went up to Jerusalem, the circumcised believers criticized him 3 and said, “You went into the house of uncircumcised men and ate with them.”

He talked about how the Jews had issue with Peter taking the gospel to the Gentiles.

Our pastor then said what if that was you right after 9/11/01? What if you were called to go to a Muslim nation? What would people say, what would your family think, what would you do?

Well, guess what….
That was me.

10years ago when the planes hit the twin towers, when one hit the pentagon and one landed in a field in Pennsylvania, I was sitting in a classroom in Elm Springs Arkansas at the YWAM base there. (YWAM is youth for a mission in case you weren’t familiar with the acronym). I was in my 9th month at the base, and we were just 2 months shy of going on outreach.

And we were going to TURKEY

Turkey (at least at the time) was 98.9% Muslim.

Yep, I’m sure you know that most people didn’t react favorably to our going. I was 21 at the time, so I remember calling home and talking to my mom about it. I know she was worried. But we had prayed about where to go since we had been in this school and we had felt as though we had clear direction on where God wanted us to be for outreach and that was there.

In Turkey.

Where it is a Muslim country.

Thankfully my family understood. Thankfully I come from a Christian home where they knew God’s will would be done and if that was in keeping me safe so be it and if it was not then so be it as well. They knew where I was going and they trusted Him as well.

I’ll be honest, I’m stubborn. Very, very stubborn. So there would probably have been little that they could have done even if they opposed.

I know there was opposition from others at the base. People that told us the very next day, in a prayer meeting, that we shouldn’t go. People that I wanted to smack in some ways because I choose and had chosen to believe that God was bigger than all that. And that he had a plan in sending us there.

And He did… we had a fruitful trip, filled with many divine appointments. Salvation and things that I’m sure just wouldn’t have happened had God not gone before us. I know still to this day that He called us there. And that it was all part of His plan, for us and for that nation.

So my encouragement to you is to keep going no matter the circumstances of what’s going on around you. If you feel that God is calling you to do something and go somewhere trust His plan.
If He is going with you and before you, you’re in the best place to be.
Regardless of what others think.

PS- it was all I could do while sitting in church to not raise my hand and be all like I did that- I LIVED that! :o) But I refrained.

Oh and God also took us to NY in an unscheduled way as well.   We were there ministering near Ground Zero on October 11, 2011 - prayer booths and all that kind of thing.  It's the last time I was in NY actually.  And my heart still longs to go back there to see how it is now that the building is no longer smoking, and the dust is cleaned away and the people are no longer wearing gas masks.  Hopefully someday God will call me back there. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Jam Session Thursday- Whitespace

I loved Bonnie's post this morning, so if you have a moment (and aren't coming from that direction) hop on over to Her Blog and read what she wrote.

Our "white space" is what Bonnie refers as our time alone with God.

She was asking this morning specifically about "When you need rest and alone time with God, is it hard or easy? What holds you back?"

I do want to start by pointing out that I think that we all need rest and alone time with God even if we don't always "feel" the need for it.  Though there are times I know I feel desperate for it. 

Our connecting with God is something that we need to do because our faith as Christians is relationship driven.  And just as any other relationship we need to connect and communicate with the other person there to be able to really truly take advantage and enjoy that relationship.
The relationships in my daily life that I take the time to nurture and grow are the ones that are most often the strongest ones I have. 
Because I've made the time to meet with those people
to connect with them
find out what's going on with them
to share
and often to open myself up to them

And in doing those things I've built the foundation, trust, respect, love. 

Things that for me are very important in a relationship. 

Things that also transcend in importance in my relationship with God. 

Now, I will say I am thankful that my foundation with him has been built over the years, so that even in the times where I've hit my rough patches my trust seems to stay true. 

But getting to my white space isn't always easy.

There are obstacles, more often than not ones that I've put in my own path. 
1. Busyness is a BIG one for me.
- I often find that I make myself too busy to make time for God.
2. Self Condemnation
- this comes from the enemy I'm sure, but I often think that if I'm not going to "live right" or when I've "messed up" a bunch that God doesn't want to hear from me. 

What I need to remember is that, well, that stuff doesn't matter.
God wants me (and you) no matter what state I'm in.
And I need to remember that often communication with him doesn't have to be a big long time thing. 
Just like the little - good morning text messages or kisses goodbye you may have with your spouse or children in the morning- those things can bring refreshment to a relationship.  Joy to one's heart. 
And just like that happens with the people in our lives it can happen that way with God. 

Almost every morning I have the opportunity to be greeted with something like this....
And what I do with that is up to me. 
More and more often, I try to recognize what is right in front of me out my window on my way to work.
And say - "Good Morning Lord"
taking a deep breath no matter what state I'm in and letting it out, relaxing in that moment and loving him, just like he loves me. 
It doesn't have to be a big long drawn out thing.
Most often it's on my way into work that it happens, while I'm sitting in my car.
It's often not silent
Or planned
It's just a moment
One of connection
And a simple reminder of His love for me, and therefore a moment for me to
And tell him- "Thanks I love you too".

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Vacation, Vacation, vacation

I was so thankful to be able to get away recently to visit a friend in the Portland/Hood River area. 
We had a great visit.  hiking, talking, eating, grabbing coffee at just about every oppertunity.
Below are just a few shots of the trip...they aren't the good ones, these are just Iphone pictures. 
I'll load some "real ones" soon. 

Faith Barista Jam- Growing Intrests

What is a passion or interest you'd like to nurture and grow?
I'll be blogging this frim the airport viz my phone so hopefully you'll forgive any errors or mistake or things of the such.  But really why I say that I don't know. 


Everyone at the Barista place is always so warm, welcoming, encouraging and friendly that is a non issue. 
The topic Bonnie gave us this week was "what is a passion or intrest you'd like to nuture and grow"?
For me that has to be my creatitivity.
I'll be honest my current job doesn't allow much for the creatitity to get flowing on most days. 
But everyone in a while I'll get to help work on a project with our marketing guy which allows it.
Or I'll get the oppertunity to go out and shoot, be it a wedding, or SR pictures, families or nature.
I know I want to work on the other end of just taking pictures as well. 
The editing side of things so to speak. 
I have the programs,
Some books,
I think all I really lack is the will power
I know for me this side of things will be a little bit harder
and I also know I hate to fail.

That's probably going what holds me back. 
But I'm working on it and looking into it.

I know that most of the time I do really know how to take a good picture.
I just want the skills to take that good picture and change it, make it something different.
So we shall see.....

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Stepping Down

(courtesy of Google images)

How do you know when it's time?  Time to step down, to move on, to take another path.
To leave the thing that you are currently doing.
No matter how much you once enjoyed it.
No matter how "GOOD" or "GODLY" of a thing it is.

And how do you know when it's just a rough season?
When you need to press in and hold on?
That no matter how much you want to step down from that good thing you need to press on
and press through.
Fighting to stay vs. just going on.

I'm wrestling with the decision on stepping down from working with the youth at my one church.
(For you newbies- I have 2 churches I attend regularly)
I've been enjoying the "new" church more and more these day.
I feel like I learn a lot there and I have a deep desire to get plugged in more with the things going on.
The problem, their cell groups are on Wednesday nights.
So it limits me on how involved I can get.
Since I'm at my other church on Wednesdays with the youth there.

And honestly, youth has been tough this season. 
Or SR High YP is new and it's been an adjustment.
The kids have been harder to work with lately. 

But at the same time I love my kids.
And I have a hard time seeing my self not involved with youth.
And there are kids in my current group that I care deeply about.
Ones that need love, compassion, protection, and just someone to know that they are worth something.
They need someone to value them.
And I want to show them they are valued.
Not only by me but also by God.
They are the reason I stay.

Until I feel clearly God telling me to go,
they will be that thing that keeps me there.
That driving force to leave my phone on and answer the 1am text messages.

Even if I very much at times want to step down.

Psalm 37:23
The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, And He delights in his way.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The gift of hospitality *Faith Barista Jam*


But most of the time when I wanted to get on here I couldn't and when I couldn't the words just weren't here.

And today's JAM with Bonnie from the Faith Barista wasn't one I was sure I'd have something to say about but at the same time I really wanted to get Jamming again with her so here goes....

One of the things I loved from her post on Hospitality is this:

"...when it comes to practicing hospitality, yours doesn’t have to look anything like mine—or Lynn’s.
Your hospitality shouldn’t look like anyone else’s.   Hospitality really means loving others with your life."

What a great way to look at it. 
I often try to open my home up, but I'm not much of a cook myself.  It's not that I can't cook I just really don't like to.  It takes time and I often just tend to worry if it's going to turn out right. 
I've cooked several times for my kids... some college age kids that have gone on mission trips with us. 
While their homes are 2 hours or more away this past year they ended up going to college just 30 minutes away from where I live. 
I told them when they enrolled they were always welcome in my home. 
No matter what. 
They are after all "my kids". 

There are times when they are there that I try cooking, everytime I've done it it's actually turned out thankfully but there are other times when I just buy several frozen pizzas (they are boys who eat ALOT) grab a bag salad, some icecream or brownies and there's dinner. 
They never seem to care what we eat.  We visit for a while and watch a movie unless someone has to be back for a cerfew. 
We often end up watching a Twilight movie! Crazy right! But I always let the kids pick and they boys for some strange reason want to watch those!

Through hosting them the last year I've even had ones that are going to college 2hrs away come the same nights as the others or the kid that's intering at her church for these first few years instead of going to college. 
Each time they come I always tell them they are welcome to bring anyone they want,  just let me know how many so I'm sure to have enough food. 
I've had kids I've never met before in my home and we still always have a good time. 
And often they end up "friending" me on Facebook the next day. 

I find that for me the hospitality isn't about opening my home up to them or cooking and making sure the house is clean but is making room and welcoming them in my heart. 

Keeping the connections going, checking on them randomly either in Facebook, Texting or some other way. 
It's letting them know I care.  After all we all need to be cared for, even if it's just in some small way.

So I've been MIA here on the blog lately, and I've missed it a lot sometimes.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Can you help?

I don't usually ask, in fact I'm pretty sure I never have.  But ...

Can you help?
I know a wonderful woman, one who has touched my heart many times when she probably never knew it.
One who has had strength and courage that I often am amazed at and think I could never have.
One who has gone through things I could not imagine going through.
One who has CHOSEN to obey the call of God and go places many of us would never even consider going.
One who has also obeyed God and returned from those places even though her heart was there and she didn't want to return.
She's not a saint. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want me to make her out to be one.
But she is one of the best people I have ever had the privilege to know.
One that when I think of her am SO BLESSED to know her and BEYOND BLESSED that she is still here on this Earth.

I know that most of you who know me don't know her but I'm asking, for you to consider helping.
She is walking (or hopes to walk if health allows it) in the San Francisco, CA 3 Day for the cure again this year.
For her third time. She still has $1000 left to raise for the event and had one month left to do it.

She didn't ask me to ask you. In fact she doesn't know that I am.
A part of me hopes she doesn't see this and never finds out.

But I feel led to do it.
I donated, Will you?
Even a small amount?
Every little bit will help her reach her goal.
Every little bit goes to Breast Cancer Research
Every little bit will toward finding a cure for this horrible disease.

Please think about it, Pray about it.

Here's the place to donate for her:

Oh and every little bit is tax deductable.

Here's more of her story.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Last night's date went well. Good in fact.

It was comfortable, conversation flowed easily, and I think we both had a pretty good time.

I found out (I say I now we because I think he knew) that he's actually my best friend's, sister in law's brother.  Aside from knowing literally a TON of other people that I know, went to school or church with and all that. 

It was just crazy.  Not the bad crazy at all. 

Because like I said I had a good time. 

He picked me up, we went to dinner, the conversation flowed easily, and after dinner we went to the hospital.
Yep, we went to the hospital- we have mutual friends that had twins yesterday. 
The husband happens to be his best friend and I've known the wife for almost my whole life. 
He asked if I was ok with going to see them since the guy had asked him to stop by and I told him sure.

Yes I do think it was odd that we did this on our first day, yes there were definite moments once we were there that I felt awkward and think he did too.  But oh well, no big deal right.

After the hospital he took me home.

No kiss, no hug, not even an hand shake.

Which I'm ok with, really, really ok with. 

Because there just doesn't seem to be any spark there.
(courtesy of google images)

I know I thought to myself as we were walking to the door, " he really doesn't seem the type that will try to kiss me.  And I sure hope he doesn't".
I'm just not feeling that pull, the attraction. 
It's total nada.

And I feel bad, because this guy doesn't sound like he's had good luck with girls. 
Not in a long while at least.

And I don't want to hurt his feelings or for him to think there's anything wrong with him.

But even though he is a nice, christian, semi good looking, hard working, sweetie....

I feel no pull to want to be anything more than friends. 
And I can't "see" us together.

I did agree to go out with him one more time.

Which I hope is ok. 

I don't want to lead him on in any way, but I do recognize that first dates are rough, and maybe just maybe "his game" or mine was off last night.  So I want to give it a second chance. 

But like I said, I had a good time.  

I'm just not feeling it. 

No matter how much of all the right things he has. 


Tuesday, July 26, 2011


Tonight's the night...

The Blind Date

And I have finally hit the point where I'm nervous.

Yep, right around noon today that hit.

And I'm almost to the point where I would really like to call and cancel. 

I won't because that would be rude but that doesn't change the fact that  a big part of me would still cancel.
Or even possibly be happy if he did.

Ugh...I hate this stuff.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

So I agreed...

(courtesy of Google Images)
I agreed to go out with the boy who some friends wanted to "fix me up with".

Honestly I don't really want to go.

And while I do kinda feel bad about feeling that way I decided I'm going to go.

If for no other reason than the fact that it should at least close that door.

A door I've been prying open for well over the last 8 weeks now.

And when I say prying that's what I mean.

See this guy has been calling/texting me since my sister's wedding. 

Which was in April.  Mid April.

He took his sweet time in asking me out, which is fine, I understand that.
But then when he finally asked me out he did it in a text...which while I'm all for technology these days that doesn't score ANY brownie points with me.
Top it off with the fact that he asked basically like this "so when are you going to not be so busy so I can take you out?"
Nice right? 
Maybe I'm overly critical but honestly I don't want to feel like I'm not an inconvenience for you.

And truth be told, I've been honest with everyone, friends and family, that it's going to take someone special to get me to slow down.  In other words you're going to have to be "worth it" for that to happen.

Because for the most part I love my life, or at least love my activities. 
And if you're not going to stick around anyhow then why should I rearrange my schedule.

But I'm being nice, I'm giving the guy a shot because after talking to our mutual friend he may just need to be given a break.  Apparently he's shy and has a hard time with stuff like this. 
So I'm going to be nice and not hold that against him. 

But I will say I don't have high hopes, because after agreeing to go out with him last week it took him a week to get back with me on when we would go out (next Tuesday).  And then he basically wouldn't just pick where we were going to dinner.  Even after I told him I wasn't picky and hated picking.  A very large part of me wanted to tell him to MAN UP.  Geeze, I'm indecisive on my own I want a guy who can pick a place for our first date by himself.  After I tell you I'm ok with whatever that's your cue to make a decision.

All this was via text too. 

*Sigh- so I'm not really looking forward to Tuesday.  But oh well.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Painting pictures of Egypt

This song came to my mind yesterday.  Some moments I feel this way lately. 

Monday, July 18, 2011


Do you ever have "Blah" days?

Days that aren't bad days, days that aren't good days, days that just seem to be.

Filled of nothing really important or unimportant.

Today is one of those days for me.

It's not a bad day.

It's just another day.

One where I've thought to myself, I wish I wasn't here (meaning work) but then again I don't think I'd want to be at home if I were home. 

So it's just "blah".

So I'm trying to focus in on the whole thing of

 "this is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it."

But honestly I'm just not feeling it.

Not that I feel down and depressed or anything, because I don't.

I just kinda feel numb. 

So there I am.

Know that if these posts seem random for awhile I'm sorry...I'm just trying to make myself write, either here or in my journal.  Sometimes I don't know if things will make sense or seem right but I'm not going to worry about that.  I'm choosing to contiue on this journey.  On this path, where ever it may lead. 
I'm just not sure where that is right now.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Not sure where to start

It's been almost a month since I've blogged.

I've wanted to blog many times in that last month but the times when I had something to say I didn't have time to say it. :o(

And then there have been the many times I just didn't feel I had anything to say. 
Which is kinda odd for me.

But it's been busy, even more so than normal I think...I say I think because I don't really know of a time when I can remember when I wasn't busy.

And I've been distracted with a lot on my mind these days. 
But I haven't been able to put most of those things into words.

I wish I could say it was all good but I can't honestly say that.

Some days  I feel very lost. 

Yet even in those lost moments I know where my foundation is. 

So I'm trying to rest, relax and wait. 

While enjoying myself and trying to not stress on right or wrong.

And trying to slow down a bit. 

Doctors orders, which is probably good since I'd most likely not do that on my own.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Life is BUSY...

Really anyone who knows me knows how true that statement is.

I'm a planner.

Actually I'm probably more of an over planner in most cases.

My weeknights are booked pretty much every evening, and my weekends, well,  let's just say when I have a totally free weekend it's a very rare occourance.  And that rarely happens.

But I like my life.  Busy as it is.  Even if it means I fall a little behind sometimes here at the blog.
(Of course the internet problems at home really, really don't help). 

So this post is about a week behind but I still wanted to share. 

See I had my YWAM (Youth With A Mission) DTS (Discipleship Training School) 10 year reunion last weekend. 
And we had a BLAST!
Not all of us were able to attend, but given that 7(not counting the spouses & children) out of the 18 of us in our class were there I think that was  a pretty good turn out. 
And it was SO SO nice to visit with everyone, catch up on the lives of one another and see how we are all doing. 
It was a very reality type filled time, even if our days at YWAM weren't so reality filled. 
No offense meant to the structure but living in a "bubble" for 6 months (or a year if you did the next school) isn't very realistic. 
Though I wouldn't really change much of anything from that year since I walked away with friends who I'm still very close with and love very dearly.  And was able to spend almost a year with God, drawing closer to him and doing mission work. 

So we caught up with one another and totally decided that we aren't going to wait another 10 yrs for a reunion.  We are going to shoot for next year or the year after.  Who knows maybe then we will get everyone there!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

An Oppertunity to Encourage

And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.
1 Thessalonians 5:14-15 

Honestly though one of my favorite things to do is give or send cards.
I'm a BIG card person.
I like to mail them for Birthdays, Holiday, and no reason at all.
It's nice for people to get mail.  I know that may times all people get is junk or bills - at least that's how my box works.  But getting a letter or a card is just nice.
Plus sometimes I'll send one and I'll get a text or email from the person a few days later letting them know how much it meant and how timely it was.  Because they needed the encouragement.

Honestly it can be awkward at times too, when encouraging someone.
Just last week I had gotten my review packet of cards from Dayspring.
And I was SO excited about them. 

I had "plans" for these cards since the opportunity to review was presented.
And some sometimes God has plans that we weren't aware of.

See I had planned to send a card or two to some friends, ones who were going through a bit of a rough time.  And then on Saturday the 4th as I was on my way to church I was rear ended.  Which caused me to be late for service.  And I ended up parking somewhere I never usually park. 
After church I was walking to my car when I noticed one of the younger ladies that attends our Monday night Bible Study.  She was right in the path on the way to my car, so I stopped and talked to her, to see how she was.  Come to find out a few days before she had been in a car accident as well.  But her car was totaled. 
Thankfully aside from a few bumps, bruises and scrapes on her she was ok as were her 3 kids. 
But something in her eyes even as she was smiling touched my heart. 

And when I got home and saw the package of cards from Dayspring I knew. 
There was one in there for her. 
Sure enough there was.
So I got it ready for Monday night. 
And after we discussed our lesson from the previous week I turned around and handed it to her.
We had our "closing Party" for the end of the study that night so I headed back to where the food was.
Noticing shortly after that she wasn't in the room. But knowing she's a single mom of 3 I figured she had left.
But when I went to leave, walking though the church there she was.
Tear stained, talking with one of the older ladies in the church, and she came up and gave me a hug.
The older lady told me later on that the card meant so much to her.
That she is trying to keep her head up and be positive but right now it's hard. 
Her family isn't saved. And aren't supportive in all these things. 
She now has no car.
So she's very stressed.
The card meant more to her than I could have ever intended.

Sometimes you never know what God is going to use to speak to encouragement to someone.

Honestly I love to encourage people I really do.

Because I want to help people.
I like to help them feel better.
Even if they aren't going through a rough time.
Sometimes when someone who wasn't doing good but is doing good currently I like to encourage them.
Or if they are going though a rough time I like to help lift them up.
Many times I've heard people say that they want to help some one but don't know what they would say to them. Or don't know what to do.
Many times in my adult life I've found that when it comes to encouragement having those "right words" matter very little.
The big thing is to speak out, to let that person know that you care.
Some times that's a gentle pat.
A hug.
A shoulder to cry on.
A prayer.
Or Even a Card.

**Please know that DaySpring did give me the free product to review but all opinions stated are my own. I've bought many of the cards in the packet that I received before along with may other DaySpring cards.  They are truly great cards to give for any occasion.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I couldn't do it...or so I thought.

This week, this morning the subject at hand from the Faith Barista for our Theursday bloggings was to talk about "Finding the One".
And when I opened my email and saw Bonnie's subject Never Been Kissed: When You Wonder If You’ll Ever Find “The One” I thought "I just can't do this today".

Not because I shy away from the subject, generally speaking I have no issue with all of that.
Normally it's something I enjoy encouraging people (ok, girls more than anyone) in, that they will find that person, that God does have someone for them, that he's better than what they probably imagine, but that he'll also be human. 

But it's been a raw week, with constant and consistant pain.  Physical pain. 

And then add to it that I've had a wedding every weekend for the last 4 weekends.  Three of which were "work" weddings, so I'm still looking, sorting and editing through probably at least a thousand wedding photos now. 
So the whole, "LOVE THING" has me a little worn out. 
And I'm pretty sure at this point I don't ever want a wedding (I do want the marriage just not the wedding).

Plus I don't know if I believe in the whole thing of "The One". 
Obviously I haven't found "My One" if that's how things work. 

I do have faith that the right person will come along in the right time. 
I just don't know when that will be.

I do know I need to trust God in this process. 
(Just like every other process)
And wait for him. 
And Trust him. 
That he will bring that person. 
(Or take the desire for me to marry away though at 31 I think if that were going to be the case it would have happened by now).

For now though I will wait as patiently as possible. 
And buy as many shoes as I'd like since there is no husband to tell me no.

Psalm 27:14
New King James Version

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

I don't know what it is about this picture, the one that just happened to be taken by chance in Costa Rica as we were standing at a gate hiding from the rain, waiting out the storm and waiting for the car to arrive. 
Everytime I see this picture I'm reminded that just like the path here where we can't see around the bend, life is often like that.  We can't see around the bend in our own lives, but we are blessed with someone who does see the whole picture and knows exactly what is around that bend. 


Tuesday, May 31, 2011

It's been a busy month

May has been so very crazy for me. 

I don't think I've had a free weekend the entire month.  In fact I was busy shooting pretty much every weekend.  Most weekends I had more than one photo thing going on.
Between the 3 weddings, a 1st Birthday, family shoots, maternity shoots....It's been unbelievable.
I've had a great time during most of them. 

But boy am I tired.  And I sure am glad June looks to be a bit slower so far which will allow me a chance to rest and hopefully enjoy some of the summer. 

I am starting to wonder if all this work has taken its toll on my physical issues. 
I've had a few times with more intense pain.  Which sucks.  But I've managed most of the time with just OTC stuff, only once did I reach for my perscrition, and that was only because I was working a wedding that day.

But I'm still believing for my healing, and will be calling the specalist in Little Rock again soon, to see if I can get in there and get looked at again.  Hopefully I'll have a cyst (yes it's just as odd for me to say that as it probably is for you to read that) so they can take the fluid out of it. 

I have noticed too that my blogging hasn't been as often lately so I thought I'd share just a few images of my My last weekend in MAY with you. 
I hope you enjoy.