Thursday, February 24, 2011

Forgive yourself- he already has.


(the one of my local views)

Can you forgive yourself?

I know that for me when it comes down to it I really have a hard time forgiving myself. It’s almost always been this way.
At least as much as I can recall.
Especially with anything considered “big”.

And often I get myself mixed up with God when it comes to these things. (Though Really- don’t we all often times place ourselves in the God position where we want to control things or take care of them ourselves, or even place ourselves in the seat of judgment- aganist others or ourselves?)

But is that how God works?
Nope. No way, No How.

Thank goodness!

And It amazes me, God’s forgiveness. Why?

Because it’s so clear. So definite, so FINAL.

He doesn’t forgive us then bring that sin back up to us later on. Saying “Hey remember when you did that?” Pointing out our flaws.
He doesn’t hold it against us when we sin again (sometimes the same sin) and say “*sigh* - again, didn’t you learn anything last time we went down this road?”.

Nope. Why?
Because they are gone from him.

Psalm 103:12
As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

He’s removed them.

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

SO I’ve confessed.
He’s faithful to forgive and he has.

I’m one of those people where I believe you can’t pick and choose what you believe in the Bible. If you’re going to believe part of it you better believe all of it. So I have to take the head knowledge from some of these verses and transfer them to my heart. And quote them over and over to get them to settle into my soul where I will believe them.

It’s amazing to me how God is using different people who have no idea what happened this past year to help me through this.

In fact both of my pastors (one from my Saturday night church and then one from my Sunday church) touched on the issue I face. The issue of letting go of my past.

One of them was speaking about our identity in Christ (you can listen to the sermon here . You’ll want the ones called Identity: the key to everything- 1,2 &3)

He talked about our personality versus our persona and the difference between the two of them.

"Our identity is made of 2 things: Who you are on earth, which is your personality and How you are known in heaven, which is your persona." (thanks-Pastor Stan)

And he touched on how we need to see ourselves as God sees us. Letting go of looking at our past- that’s who we were not who we are. God sees us as present future not present past.
(I’ll be honest I often see myself present past more than who I am becoming.)

My other pastor spoke on moving forward from our past as well. He mentioned that God will give us everything that we need to succeed, we just have to have the faith to keep going no matter what is going on around us. And mentioned this verse:

Philippians 3:12-14
Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Take a good look at Paul who is speaking here. Before he knew Christ he was super religious. A priest’s priest is what I believe I’ve heard him called. He had the law down to a T and had the pedigree to go along with it. But before he KNEW Christ he was killing Christians.

Yet he says those words…
"forgetting those things that are behind me”…

So won’t you join me today in pressing on toward the goal. Forgetting what lies behind and going forward into the forgiveness that God has for us.
I know for me it may be something that I always struggle with but I truly believe that God wants us to see ourselves as he sees us. Forgiven and loved.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Sadness...please pray.

Dear Friends,
Today I got one of those texts that you never want to get. 

It was from the SR High Youth Pastors from the church I work as Jr High Youth Pastor. 

One of our 17yr old girls who had a premature baby girl "K", this past December, who had finally gotten home about 2 weeks ago.  K who seemed to be doing so well in terms of growth, and health finally, died last night in her sleep.

They believe it to have been SIDS at this point. 

But regardless of the why "K's" mom and family are hurting pretty badly right now. 

I don't understand the why in this. 

And I do believe that God does have a plan. 

That he is still in control in all of it.

But that doesn't make it any easier on them right now. 

Please pray for "K's" family as they go through this very hard time right now. 

Please pray for wisdom for all of us that are going to be working with any of them.  Especially the Christians in this.  That we will have HIS words to speak, not our own. 

Pray for her momma that she will cling to Him in all of this.  Pray for the depression that I'm sure may come. 
Pray for all of that.... and however you feel God leading you to pray.

I know that there is nothing I can do on my own for her or any of them.  But I pray that God will use me in a way to bring comfort to them even if it is in some very small way.

Personally I just feel heartbroken for all of them. 

Even though I know that little "K" is in the arms of our loving Father right now. 

Thursday, February 17, 2011

He Loves Me....


When I first started looking for a picture for this post I wanted one of the daisy with the petals pulled, not all but some. 
But I couldn't find what I was looking for.  And that gave me a moment to think.
I don't need one like that. 
You know how it works with that game..."He loves me" (pull a petal), "He loves me not" (pull a petal),...and so on till there are no petals left on the daisy or whatever flower you have chosen.
He doesn't work that way.

There is never a time where "HE LOVES ME NOT"...and that ME includes You.
No matter where I am on this journey, no matter what I feel or think or believe.
He never is saying " I love you not". 

He is always saying I love you.

I know for me, in all my "human-ness" I often have a hard time latching onto that. 
In believing that this could really be true. That he never stops loving me.

Last year was a rough year for me. I chose to make a lot of bad choices when it came down to it. Choices that went against what he had for me. Choices that lead me to a place that I cannot imagine that he would have had me go.
But that doesn’t mean I was ever going at it alone.
That he had ever walked away from me and stopped loving me.
That he wasn’t ever there calling to me, wanting me to return.
Waiting for me to return.

Loving me through it.

This year- as I’ve been going through the emotional healing from all that took place last year I can see he is and has been with me every step of the way.

I can see his love being poured out…I can see it covering.
Proverbs 10:12 …Love covers all sins.

I’m discovering that I can feel his love as well.
I may not feel it when my focus is on me.
When I take my eyes off him, it is often then that I miss what he is doing, that I miss the things has for me.
And that eventually I miss him.

God loving us isn’t contingent on our loving him!
(THANKGOODNESS right!- I know I fall so short on all of that so very often).
But just like our relationships here on Earth, our relationship with him needs to be nurtured as well.
Not neglected. Tended too. 
We need to water it like we water our flowers, tend to the soil with prayer and reading our Bibles.

Yet, even when we don’t do these things he doesn’t stop loving us. But I discover so much more about how he loves me, how he cares for me, how he wants the best for me when I am nurturing that relationship with him. When I’m seeking his face, getting to know him better.

I know I never have to question if “HE LOVES ME” he always does and always will.
And I am so thankful to be on this journey to find out just how much he does love me.

I hope you take the time in your walk with him to find out how much he loves you too.

Monday, February 14, 2011

I've always loathed this day...

So I've always loathed Valentine's Day, ok, for as long as I remember.  Which means I may have liked it back when I was five but I know later on in Elementary school I didn't care for it.

I never have liked the way it seemed to have the power to make people feel bad.  Once you hit the age of not having to give everyone in your class a Valentine's Day card it just seems like someone will get their feelings hurt or surely has the potential to do that. 

Now, I'll be honest, aside from last year I never had a Valentine. Now that doesn't mean I haven;t gotten things on Valentine's Day.  I've had random guys who got the courage to send things or bring them to my house when I was younger.
I've even had "nut jobs" who for years sent flowers to my office and signed it as my secret admirer. 
So it's not about not getting anything from someone on that day. 

But I've always, been one that if I'm going to get flowers or something (though I do really like flowers) from someone expressing their love I don't want them on the day where the florist has basically told them to send them to me.

I want them to send them on their own.  I know some people think it's unrealistic to believe a guy will do this but it's how I feel.

I also have always felt that everyday should be a day where you tell someone you love them.  You should never be waiting to show someone till Valentine's Day, since we are never promised another day this just seems like a bad idea to me. 

This year though Hallmark released a new commercial about what Valentine's Day mean.  That it's not a day to say I love you but a day to say I love US.
I must admit that whoever came up with this did an AMAZING job!
I've posted the link from YouTube to watch: 

I wanted to post the actual video but couldn't get it to work, sorry about that.
But watch it if you have a sec.  It's pretty cute.

And don't worry about me or my lack of Valentines this year. 
God sent me an amazing sunrise this morning, and HE is the best Valentine ever.
My deep hope is that you will make him yours too if you haven't already and if you have that you will remember how much he loves you too! 

John :16
For God so loved the world (*hint that's you and me)
That he gave his one and only Son
that whoever believes in him shall not perish
but have eternal life.

May you remember all he has given you today and everyday.
Flowers in the spring, s sunrise and sunset everyday, green grass, clear blue waters, trees,
and anything else that catches your eye...see he is wooing us everyday. 

**not the best pic but I was driving to work.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Product Review- Dayspring/ (in)courge

I have the opportunity to do my first product review!

To be honest I was a little nervous when I got the email stating that I was selected to do the review.  After all I've never done anything like this before.

But I am a HUGE fan of Dayspring, from their cards, to their home decorating things, to their jewelery everything I've gotten from them before I've loved.  So I thought why not?

I'm reviewing the God's Heart for You Necklace.

And with Valentines day right around the corner - A holiday that personally I tend to loathe but always celebrate by passing out little cards to the ladies I work with, I picked this month to do the review.   Because whether you are one who has been married for years, married just a little while,  engaged, single and want to get something for yourself or maybe you are looking for something for your daughter or sister or just a girl you think could use a little something nice.

This necklace is PERFECT for all of those people.
When I wear this necklace I am instantly reminded of the things God speaks to me, over me, the TRUTH that is even when I'm having a hard time believing it.

I love that each word has a corresponding scripture that goes along with it. 
CREATED- Psalm 139:14
CHOSEN- Deuteronomy 14:2
CELEBRATED- Zephaniah 3:17
CHERISHED- Jeremiah 31:3

And really I would take this not just on Valentines day but any day of the year. 

I think all the words could be great conversation starters as well.  What a wonderful way to be able to share the love of God with someone by telling them about each meaning on here in how he loves you. 

This necklace also comes in a little velvet envelope, one that is perfect for gift giving and also comes with the card showing each scripture written out.

This is definitely a piece I will happily treasure in my jewelry collection.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


(courtsey of google images)

So I got a text Tuesday....

From the Ex. 

Wanting to know if I'd gone to lunch yet.  And if I hadn't if I'd pick him up, take him with me and he'd buy mine.

The reasoning, he sold his jeep and didn't have a way to get anywhere.  He also started a new job this week.  So...I guess no one there could take him. 

I don't really know.  I do know we haven't communicated much these past few months.

So it was a little awkward with us at lunch...which I totally didn't go to alone.  Fortunately I already had plans with two of the girls I work with so they came along.  One of them protested the whole time...stating that I didn't need to do that and I should just tell him no.

But what can I say...I felt bad telling him no since he knew I hadn't gone to lunch yet, and I've said we could be friends. 

But now, I really wish I hadn't seen him. 

See he texted yesterday and we texted some today.

And yes I asked him why he texted me Tuesday tonight, because I wanted to check his motives.   He said it was just lunch and he didn't have a car and was starving and it was hard to pass up a good lunch with good company.   So... I let him know I did remember he didn't have a car but also reminded him that we hadn't communicated much in the past few months.

He apologized for stirring the pot.  So I told him it was OK but that I just needed to know.

Truth is he's "supposed" to have a girl he's seeing.  I don't know that he still his but I personally don't want to know in case he isn't.

And I know this, if he does ask about lunch again.  I'll be saying no. 

He can go with someone else.  But I'm not getting with him again. 
It's too hard for my heart still. 

And it makes me sad again. 

So after tonight I won't be texting again either. 

I should mention that I've saved him in my contacts as "BAD IDEA".  Because communicating with him is just that.  Being with him was a bad idea.
Bad for my heart, bad for my relationship with God.  And bad for me period.

That doesn't mean I don't love him.  Still...

I believe a part of me will always love him. 

I know there is a part of me that longs to have him see God, who God really is and accept Christ. 

And yes a part of me longs to see where that would leave the 2 of us.  Silly, I know. 
And something that may never happen...even if he did accept Christ.  Which my heart aches for more than anything else in the world. 

I'm choosing to believe that the reason we are in contact again is because God has a purpose for all of it.  I'm choosing to believe that God is working on his heart.  And I'm going to HOPE for that one thing that I long for most. 
His salvation. 

But I'm not going to sacrifice myself, my relationship with God or my heart for it again.

No matter how much I want it, no matter how much I love him. 

Because no matter if I want to deny it, there still is love there in my heart for him. 
After all my heart wouldn't be aching tonight if there wasn't. 

*** side note- I choose the picture for a specific reason.  My heart may be hurting still but I know who is holding it now is the one who will keep it safe (&contiue to heal it) until the time that HE tells me I've met my future husband and then it will be free and safe to give. 

Faith Barista Jam- Single Thoughts on Marriage

FaithBarista_UnwrapLoveBadgeThis weeks topic was a little rough for me too.  I'm not really sure what I would want to be told about marriage or what I have to tell on it.

(courtesy of google images)

As you know, if you've been following my blog or even if you just read the info at the top I'm single.  So I don't know marriage on the personal level as I've never been married.

One thing I've learned from watching people is that no one is perfect. 
OK so maybe I've learned that little fact just from life it's self. 

And marriage doesn't suddenly make life perfect.  Often from what I can tell it just takes your problems and multiplies it by two.  You have any problems and issues you had before you were married and it takes your significant other's problems and issues and adds them together. 

But it also adds someone to work through those problems and issues with you.  Someone you can talk things though with, bounce ideas for problem solving with, someone to pray things over with. 

I know that one thing I look for in a significant other is someone who is going to draw me closer to God. 

I am realistic enough to know though that whoever he is going to be he's not going to be perfect.  He may have bad days- heck I'm pretty sure that's going to be a given.  But I'll have bad days too.  Just like I have bad days now.

My hope in marriage is that he and I will complement each other.  That where I am weak he will be strong and vice verse. 

My hope is that we will be willing to work through anything together. 

Because I believe that a good marriage is a working marriage.  That even once you're married you're not entering suddenly into your happily ever after. 
And I think that's something all women need to know. 

Especially the younger ones, who have idealized dreams on what marriage should be. 

Marriage just like life takes work.  And no matter who your price charming is he may not always seem charming to you.  but that doesn't mean you should throw in the towel.  That's the time when you should dig deep, remember the good qualities you saw when were dating, the qualities that helped lead you to say yes when he asked you to marry him.  Focus in on those when the times are tough.

And remember your vows from when you married. 

For better or worse, in most cases is what you said.  Which was an insight into your future even if you didn't know it. 

There are going to be worse times, but remember it's once we've gotten through the worst times that we truly appreciate the better times that life brings. 

Allow that thought to comfort you if you're married and struggling.  The bad times won't last forever,  lean on one another and lean into God together. 

And I think that marriage is one additional (because really we should put this in pratice everyday even if we aren't married) to put the following verses into pratice.  And it should be something all of us singles (male or female) look for in our future spouse.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Focus in Mark...

The Internet has been down all weekend in our house. We can’t seem to figure out the why behind it but hopefully we can get something resolved with our provider before our next snow storm hits.

After all it’s just dreadful to be stuck in the house, let alone be stuck there with no access.

And of course all weekend I wanted to get on and write but since I wanted to and had so many things to write about I couldn’t. Doesn’t it always seem to be that way? ;o)

So I’ve been thinking about lots of things, but one of the main things I’ve been thinking about is my health.

(courtesy of google images)

After going to the Doctor and wondering what is going on. And there not being any real answer to why everything is happening, I can’t help but be confused about what to do next. It doesn’t seem like there are really many options at this point.

My doctor wants me to go on birth control. The method she wants to use is the Mirena IUD– which can be there for 5 years unless removed before that time frame; A method that won’t bring pain relief, but will help with the bleeding. (And one that after discussion with my doctor really does seem like the best option, I’m just a tad freaked out by the time frame.) It will allow me to still be able to be aware of what’s going on, and not hormonally mask all that other stuff, so if I’m going to do this it seems to be the right thing to do.

But it is still something I have never wanted to do. No I can’t think of a real reason why I’ve always had this stance, it’s just something that have never seemed to be for me. I worry with our family history of stroke and some of the other factors behind all of it, side effect and etc that it just doesn’t feel safe.

At least not to me.

But my doctor assures me that she thinks it will be safe for me. That I’m not one of the ones she would consider high risk.

But still I’m stressed about it. Uneasy.

I’ve put off the appointment for a month. To give myself some time to really think about it. But ever since my appointment (or possibly even a little before) my mind has been drawn to the store in the Bible of the woman with the issue of blood.

Mark 5:25-34
Now a certain woman had a flow of blood for twelve years, and had suffered many things from many physicians. She had spent all that she had and was no better, but rather grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came behind Him in the crowd and touched His garment. For she said, “If only I may touch His clothes, I shall be made well.”  Immediately the fountain of her blood was dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of the affliction. And Jesus, immediately knowing in Himself that power had gone out of Him, turned around in the crowd and said, “Who touched My clothes?”  But His disciples said to Him, “You see the multitude thronging You, and You say, ‘Who touched Me?’”  And He looked around to see her who had done this thing. But the woman, fearing and trembling, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth.  And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be healed of your affliction.”

Now, don’t get me wrong I’ve not been suffering this that long. Thankfully. But since this scripture has been going through my mind I’ve been picturing myself reaching out to grab hold of Jesus’ robe, to grab hold of my healing.

Now, I can’t say I’m feeling the “Immediate” healing that the woman felt. I still have pain. (I’m not at the point of the additional bleeding again this month so I don’t know about that part).

But I’m trying to cling to my healing. I’m asking for prayer, which is hard for me. Very hard and totally crazy right, after all I’m one of those people who usually offers to pray for people right out of the gate. But it’s hard for me to ask, yet I’m making myself do it in this case. Even asking some people to ask me how I’m doing so I’m forced to share. Because while I’m very open here, on my blog, there aren’t a lot of people in my personal life I’m really open with about the things that are happening and have happened that are hard, (which goes back to the whole thing of being the one people go to too get strength so I’m often left feeling that there’s no one for me to go to and lean on).

But any how my thoughts are straying, like I said I’m asking for prayer. And I did that Saturday night from a friend at church, and when she prayed- the story of the woman with the issue of blood came up, which I truly believe is God speaking through it again. And in it coming up has brought a sense of comfort with it.

I also will say that as I cling to it, even though mine so far doesn’t seem to be immediate, I am believing for it, hoping for it , trying my best to have the faith it takes to be healed but to also admit that I often feel like this guy-

Mark 9:23-24 
Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”  Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” 

Knowing that I am human and I do struggle with what my body still says- i.e. the pain I still feel; But choosing to believe that God is going to heal me. That the pain and the issues that I’m feeling are going to stop or that if my healing will come medically, that God will give me the peace about going that route. Even if I do hope for the supernatural healing to occur, I choose to believe that God can and will use other means if that’s what it’s going to take.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

so I wrote...

So I wrote a letter to the "New Guy" that didn't say much but well, it- Thanked him -basically for ending things last week with me.

I know...kinda odd right?

But that's part of who I am. 

I'm a communicator.  But I'm also a letter writer.


You could ask the EX or my dear friend in England about them though personally I think the EX just blew them off and all that. 

Though I will say I was usually pretty good about making sure that I didn't write angry letters. Which never does any good in my opinion.  But then again by the time I started sending them I think he knew me pretty well. 

Which leaves me in a spot on this one...

Do I send it? 

See the New Guy, doesn't know me, not yet at least.

(And yes I wonder if I should call New Guy the Ex now since we are no longer dating but I don't think 3 dates makes you an Ex, at least not for me).

And so I wonder, should I send it. 

He seems like a nice guy and the intent behind the letter is to be nice but to also hopefully clear a little bit of what seems like awkwardness between us. 

Since I'm still going to his church on Saturday nights. 

Which in all fairness to me isn't really "his" church since I know about 5 other people that go there as well. 
People I didn't know went there before I decided to check it out.

But no less I like the church, it's a nice change of pace for me. Going to a church where no one needs anything from me.  One where I'm not the one of the youth leaders, but just a girl in the congregation. 
One where I can fully get into worship so easily.  (I LOVE the worship there, if I got nothing else from this place I think I would go for that alone).

SO I don't intend to stop going there.  At least not anytime soon. 

So I hold on to my letter.  One I would send, normally right away.

One that's been in my purse since Monday.


Because a part of me does still care what this guy thinks.

But I'm not sure if I care more about what the potential boyfriend thinks/thought or what the potential friend thought/thinks?

OR how it will be accepted.

If it will be accepted. 

Maybe not. 

But maybe good.

So I'll keep that letter in my purse for now. 

Till I get a feeling on what to do with it.

And ladies, please pray for me.  Healthwise it was a rough day.

Good news though from the Doc- it's not the thyroid.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Faith Barista JAM- Unwrapping Love

What I Wished Someone Told Me About Dating

That's the subject for this week's jam.
(courtesy of google images)
Wow! I honestly don't know what to write for this one. 
To be honest I don't feel like I have any advice to give. 
I haven't done a lot of dating myself. 
In fact aside from a short time in my late teens and early twenties, plus the one guy I dated last year and the 3 dates I had with New Guy, I have no dating history. 
If I were going to ask for something to be told to me, that's hard. 
There's so much I wish people would tell.
Personally I feel like I'm SO bad at dating. 
So if I could  have someone tell me something it would probably be some good tips.
Things that girls -good christian girls- should and shouldn't do on dates.

Things to tell to the other  person and not to tell. 

As I struggle with my health that's often a question in my mind.  (Not to mention that bad path I went down last year).
Should I say something about it?  After all right now it is a big part of who I am.  How I behave even, as my hormones spike up and down and I feel like a nut case.  Even though I know that I'm not. 
Maybe tips like how guys think, or even how they don't think would be nice. 
But I think if I were to give a tip on dating there is one main one-
If something seems off, then you're probably right. 
Take things with the New Guy- I could tell he wasn't feeling it even if he didn't want to admit it.

And trust what your heart is telling you.  There were times I had to talk myself up for going out with him. 
In most cases if you're doing that he's not the right guy.  Or maybe you're not ready.  And if that's the case that's ok too. 
I know that right now I'm not really ready to be dating anyone.  After things with the Ex ending not long before I started seeing the New Guy, I needed time to wrap my head around what was going on.  And my heart still needed time to heal.  I do kinda think that the New Guy was good for me.  I wonder if I would have ended up going back to the Ex yet again if it hadn't been for him. 
Kinda makes me want to thank the New Guy.
And it definitely makes me hopeful, that there is someone out there for me. 
And that God will bring him when the time is right.
Of course, come February 14th I may not feel so optimistic. 

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I like doctors?....

Not really, not usually, but I went to the doctor this afternoon. 

To finally see what was going on with the pain & the bleeding and all that. 

And over all it was a GREAT appointment. 

I talked to my doctor about what's going on, the symptoms, showed her everything I'd written down for the last month. 
Ask questions I could think of.  Cried a little- which she assured me is normal.

She understood my frustration and feels it too.

But it comes down to we don't know why.

It doesn't make sense.  Why I'm getting more cysts and why they are causing pain like this.

She said that in some cases that we can have issues in our early twenties- which I did- then things settle down and then start back up after we hit 30. Which is exactly what mine did.

(courtesy of Google images)
The white cyst (above) is almost exactly what mine from November looked like.  Apparently this is something we all get monthly.
Below is what endometrosis looks like in some cases.  And not what mine looks like.

 (courtesy of Google images)

She even asked if I would wait so we could look at some pictures of Endometrosis and all that, and compare them them to my photos from surgery in November. So unless it is endometrosis that is in my uterine wall it probably isn't that- but the only way to know that is when they cut it in sections and look it it after it's all been taken out- so that is NOT a possibility for me anytime soon. However it's possible that it is microscopic endometrosis but the only way to know that as well is to do random biopsies to see if we can find it and the odds that we would aren't favorable.

Then we talked options. The main thing being birth control, because we want to get the bleeding to stop. And she let me know what would or could happen with that. As well as the different types and all that.

She did drop the H word- hysterectomy. Which we hope is not going to be needed for a long time but if things keep going the way they are she thinks it will be a possibility, but she thinks I could have time to still have kids and all that.

Which was nice to hear.

She also sent me over to the lab to have my thyroid tested. And put me on some iron tablets, since all the "extra" bleeding has taken my anemia to a new level.

All in all it went well. I do wish we knew the why on all of this happening but till we get to that point I guess this will do.

I feel ok with all of it. And it was really nice for her to show me with the pictures that I don't have the endometrosis. At least that we can tell.
I'm glad it was a snow day- I think it allowed her to give me more time.  Which is just what I needed. 
So now I will wait, think about my option, how I'm going to pay for that, and pray.
And pray and pray...that God will grant this body healing. 
No matter what is going on, even if I don't know or my doctor doesn't know, HE knows. 
And I'm going to trust him for all of this. 

One Day at a time...

Well, today's the day.

I finally head to the doctor this afternoon.

Granted with the snow fall from yesterday and today it will take at least an extra hour to get there I'm sure.

But at least I'm going...well, hopefully.  I say that since I haven't tried to get out in it yet.  But I sure hope that I can get out in it to get there.

I've got my book with the things that have been going on all month.

Hopefully we can get some answers for the pain and everything else that's going on. 

SO I'm hopeful and optimistic this morning.

Now all I need is to be able to get my car out of the garage. 

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

drawing a blank

We have a snow day here today. 

They are calling for up to 14 inches of snow in our area. 
Something that I don't recall happening in a really long time if ever in our little northwest Arkansas town. 

So I'm stuck at home for now, something I'm not a big fan of.  Being stuck.  I tend to go a little stir crazy after one day in the house.  Though I can say I enjoyed sleeping in till about 9:30 this morning. 

I do wish that people wouldn't text so much in the morning though.  :o)  Even on silent I still hear my phone. 
But any how...that's not what I got on to write about. 

Funny thing is there are times I wish I could get in front of my computer and just write it all out. 
And then more often than not, when I do finally have time to write nothing comes. 
I'm not sure why.
It's just been that way lately.

It happened again today. 

I sat here all day with the computer on and then couldn't write. 

Even though this morning I knew what I wanted to write about,  what I wanted to say even.

SO gurrr...this is a little frustrating. 

Oh well though. 

Here's a snow shot for you....stay warm wherever you are.

Oh you can't tell but its still snowing here!