Thursday, February 10, 2011


(courtsey of google images)

So I got a text Tuesday....

From the Ex. 

Wanting to know if I'd gone to lunch yet.  And if I hadn't if I'd pick him up, take him with me and he'd buy mine.

The reasoning, he sold his jeep and didn't have a way to get anywhere.  He also started a new job this week.  So...I guess no one there could take him. 

I don't really know.  I do know we haven't communicated much these past few months.

So it was a little awkward with us at lunch...which I totally didn't go to alone.  Fortunately I already had plans with two of the girls I work with so they came along.  One of them protested the whole time...stating that I didn't need to do that and I should just tell him no.

But what can I say...I felt bad telling him no since he knew I hadn't gone to lunch yet, and I've said we could be friends. 

But now, I really wish I hadn't seen him. 

See he texted yesterday and we texted some today.

And yes I asked him why he texted me Tuesday tonight, because I wanted to check his motives.   He said it was just lunch and he didn't have a car and was starving and it was hard to pass up a good lunch with good company.   So... I let him know I did remember he didn't have a car but also reminded him that we hadn't communicated much in the past few months.

He apologized for stirring the pot.  So I told him it was OK but that I just needed to know.

Truth is he's "supposed" to have a girl he's seeing.  I don't know that he still his but I personally don't want to know in case he isn't.

And I know this, if he does ask about lunch again.  I'll be saying no. 

He can go with someone else.  But I'm not getting with him again. 
It's too hard for my heart still. 

And it makes me sad again. 

So after tonight I won't be texting again either. 

I should mention that I've saved him in my contacts as "BAD IDEA".  Because communicating with him is just that.  Being with him was a bad idea.
Bad for my heart, bad for my relationship with God.  And bad for me period.

That doesn't mean I don't love him.  Still...

I believe a part of me will always love him. 

I know there is a part of me that longs to have him see God, who God really is and accept Christ. 

And yes a part of me longs to see where that would leave the 2 of us.  Silly, I know. 
And something that may never happen...even if he did accept Christ.  Which my heart aches for more than anything else in the world. 

I'm choosing to believe that the reason we are in contact again is because God has a purpose for all of it.  I'm choosing to believe that God is working on his heart.  And I'm going to HOPE for that one thing that I long for most. 
His salvation. 

But I'm not going to sacrifice myself, my relationship with God or my heart for it again.

No matter how much I want it, no matter how much I love him. 

Because no matter if I want to deny it, there still is love there in my heart for him. 
After all my heart wouldn't be aching tonight if there wasn't. 

*** side note- I choose the picture for a specific reason.  My heart may be hurting still but I know who is holding it now is the one who will keep it safe (&contiue to heal it) until the time that HE tells me I've met my future husband and then it will be free and safe to give. 


Alyssa Rose said...

Love the side note with the picture! Good Idea! ;0)

Christy said...

Oh girl, been there - done that! I think the hardest part of us is to finally just say no, and walk away... Good for you! I'll be praying for you!

Leanna said...

Thanks Christy. :o)