Thursday, March 31, 2011

Tomorrow is the day.

Tomorrow is April 1st. 

The start of the Negativity Fast. 

The start of Focusing more of God's promises(vs. problems)
The start of (deliberately) speaking hope about things- even tough things
The start of looking for solutions (vs looking at the problem)
The start of not giving voice to pessimism, criticism (of myself or others)
The start of speaking of problems to the right people in the right way

The start of REPLACING negative words & thoughts with POSITIVE words & thoughts based on God's promises.

I'm feeling more positive about it already. 

More hopeful about all of it. 

Which is good.  Great actually.

And I'm headed to the doctor's this afternoon, so this is a good time to start with the hopefulness and all of that. 
Hopeful for answers, solutions and so on. 
And also for speaking of the problems to the right people. 
May God give me wisdom on how to speak to these doctors in a way that communicates the issues effectively.

(courtsey of Google images)

Finding the Whitespace...

Today Bonnie @ Faith Barista talked about getting to her whitespace and even showed the journey in photographs.

I must say I was/am very impressed with that. 

Since I'm a photo person, I get it by way of pictures. 

So having the visual is a very nice thing for me.  It's a way my mind really connects.

And while I wasn't sure how I got to my whitespace when she first started "talking" I realized as I sat here that- well- "that's it". 

More often than not I get to my whitespace visually. 

When I'm driving down the road, and I see beauty all around me, that is when I often feel most connect with God. 

When there is a breathtaking sunrise or sunset my soul breathes a sigh or relief.

I also enter into my whitespace by lacing up my tennis shoes. 

Going for a run outside allows me to clear away everything in my mind.  It slows me down, while I have to focus on my breathing at first, it really allows my mind a chance to still.  To stop thinking of everything else that is going on.  I can pray, or think to God on the things going on in life, the needs, the blessings, just everything.  I feel clearer.  More focused, even when my body may be saying...are we done yet? My mind feels beyond better. 

I know I am blessed to live in an area where, almost no matter where I am there is beauty all around me.  Along the side of the road, traveling to church, to my parents house and yes of course on the running trail. 

For me, I keep busy enough, sometimes probably too busy that these moments in the car or on the trail is where God is able to speak to me most, becuase that is where I am quiet.  Where I am still. 
And that is when he is able to really grab my attention. 


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

What's wrong now...

So I think this negativity fast is coming just in time. 

I posted as my Facebook Status this afternoon... "Ugh"

And got a comment that said "what's wrong now?"

And that little question got me thinking....

Am I really complaining that much?

Honestly I don't know, because I guess I don't pay enough attention to it.

Which makes me think, what else is coming out of my mouth that I'm not paying attention to?

So I'm going to really do this Negativity Fast thing. 

I may not do well in the beginning, but I'm going to do my best to really do this.

To commit fully. 

And I like that it's not denying the problem but it is about finding HOPE in the situation. 

Something I know I could use a lot more of.  ;o)

It may be raining today but it's going to stop soon and even if it takes a little while the rain serves it's purpose.

With out it there will be no spring blossoms and that would really be sad.

Monday, March 28, 2011

I am thankful

Ok, so I may not totally feel thankful but I'm trying.

And it seems like God is trying to tell me that maybe just maybe that's what  I need to do.

Count my blessings, even if they seem like little blessings. 

And cling to them. 

As my world may seem to be falling around me, as times seem trying as I fight this health battle and the battle with the doctors, I STILL have SO MUCH to be thankful for. 

As I stress in the little things, I should be focusing on the bigger things. 

I am blessed.

Blessed to work for a great company.

Blessed to have SO MANY great friends.

Blessed to have not one but 2 wonderful churches that I get to attend regularly. 

Blessed that I have a God who loves AND forgives me easily and readily.

I am BLESSED beyond what I really can see most of the time, and truly beyond what I feel. 

But life isn't just about what you feel and I need to remember that. 

My Saturday church is starting a Negativity fast April 1st.  And I've decided to take part in it. 

I think it will do me good to take my focus off the bad and look at the good.
I think it will help me possibly get my JOY back. 

I'm excited but also a little nervous, but really, getting rid of some negativity can't be a bad thing. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

Third Day Concert

Ok peeps, I must say I have been a Third Day fan for a very long time now. 
And they have ALWAYS put on a good show. 

I can't even tell you how many times I have seen them preform.  Since some friends of ours own a trucking company and have been driving for them for well over 10years now, we would usually get tickets anytime they were anywhere near us and go see them. 

But it's been several years since we've gone to one of their concerts for some crazy reason. 

However last night they were in Joplin, MO - just a hop, skip & a jump away from us.  So we went to see them. 

BEST CONCERT I've been to in a LONG time. 

Tenth Avenue North was there with them as well as new artist Trevor Morgan.  BOTH of which are totally worth listening too if you have any opportunity to see or hear them.  Buy their Cd's!

Anyhow, Third Day is and probably always will be one of my favorite bands because they truly are behind what they sing.  Maybe I feel more inclined to believe this because I know people who actually know them, or maybe it's because I just love the way they interact with fans at their concerts, or maybe it's because they GO & DO...with World Vision and things like that where they get behind a worthy project (FYI I can't even tell you how long ago they started partnering with World Vision.- it's been that long). 

They aren't all about putting on a show (even though they are GREAT PERFORMERS) but they are all about bringing glory to God. 

I've attached a few pictures and videos.  I hope you enjoy the little taste of my fabulous night last night.  (Excuse the quality- I only had my IPhone)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Today I feel like a big baby

Make that a big whinny baby...

So if you don't want to hear me complain just stop reading now.

I promise I will understand. 

But I do want to ask, Do you ever feel lonley?
Even in a crowd of people, friends or family, do you ever find yourself to be lonley?

Today I feel lonely.

I feel like no matter what I do I can't seem to get someone who is there for me.

I feel let down by people.

And yes I know these are stupid feelings.

I have plenty of friends who love and care about me. 
And I know I am very blessed with friends all across this globe, great, wonderful friends. 

I also know I'm a big girl who can do things on her own without others. 

But the truth of the matter is sometimes I simply don't want to.

This weekend is one of those times.

There are things this weekend that I want to do. 

Things that I'm sure if I did them alone I'd be just fine but the truth is I just don't want to do them alone.

I feel insecure this week...and doing things alone when I feel insecure isn't fun. 

At least not for me. 

And I've tried and tried and tried to find someone to do these things with me this weekend, but nothing is working out.

And it just flat out sucks. 
But I don't want to tell my friends who don't really have anything going on (because that's what some of it is, they just don't want to- and I do understand I really do- I promise there are no hard feelings about them saying no) that my heart just really could use someone right now. 

Because the last thing I want is for one of them to do it out of guilt. 

Because even if I'm alone, I think I may prefer that out of someone being there because they feel obligated. 

Do you ever feel this way?

This is something I wrote last night, after getting home from church- I was feeling pretty bad physically which is what the pain is refering to, but I know that today the pain also applies to my heart.

I wish there was someone here that knew how I felt
I wish I had a good single friend to be able to hang out with

I wish the pain would go away
I wish the hormones would level out

But wishing doesn't usually do a thing
So instead I'll hope. Or hang on to hope.
God has a plan in all this. I will trust him in it.
I will believe that he wants good things for me.
I will rest on him.
Even when the pain is great. Or the mood swings greater
He is greatest
Able to handle them all

-----And today I really am trying to cling to him to believe that last part that I wrote last night but I'm struggling in it.  More than I want to admit to anyone, but I am.
But aside from you guys, no one will know. 

So keep that in mind today and other days- sometimes a person can be smiling on the outside- be they stranger or friend - and not fully smiling on the inside.

And here's another question- How do you go about meeting and connecting with other ladies?

I'm trying to take more steps to get connected with other christian females, even to the extent that I'm going to start going to the Women's Bible Study at the NEW church on Monday nights.  (It means cutting out that night for running unless I hit the gym at 7 but I need more friends and this is one of the only ways I'll hopefully get them).

But I KNOW there are other lonely women out there do we connect with one another?

Friday, March 11, 2011


So this is a song I've been hearing on the radio a lot lately.  And a friend just happened to share the store behind the song via Facebook. 

It's a great song, one that I've been looking for since hearing it about 2weeks ago but Itunes doesn't have it, yet.  So my guess is I'm going to have to head to the Christian bookstore to find it. 

If you are stuggling with anything - anything at all- I really really recomend taking the time to listen to the song (that's the 2nd video)
and just close your eyes- allow God to speak to you through it. 
Soak in his love for you no matter what you have going on.  No matter what you feeling. 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Faith Barista- Creative Rest

So today’s Faith Barista Jam is about Creative Rest.


Actually the series right now is on Rest in general.

And I must say it’s perfect timing for me. Since things with the health are as they are I’m feeling somewhat forced into some rest at least a little more than what I’m used to.

But as most of you know Photography is one of my hobbies. I feel as if I’ve been taking pictures my whole life or just about. Since my Aunt was always one with the camera and one day started passing it to me.

It’s a hobby that in the last few years has turned a little bit into a business.

One that I didn’t seek out, that just kinda happened.

In fact I started taking pictures of a co-worker’s daughter and it just has gone from there, where it progressed to her family, then to referrals of friends of there, then members of my church.

My best friend now has a company (she’s been taking pictures since we were in HS) and I’ll be co shooting some weddings with her this summer. Which has been really nice, us having a hobby that we both share one that allows us to get away for girl time some (she’s married with 4 kiddos- you know total opposite of me).

But here’s the thing of it, with adding the business aspect into it my hobby can get to where it feels like work.

The work of taking on the jobs, then the editing (which most have no idea what that actually takes), and for me the stress of simply wanting to make sure everyone is happy.

Happy with the price and the outcome.

As one who hasn’t had any formal training in Photography I must recognize that this talent is a gift from God.

And there are times that gift feels like a burden. With the whole use it or lose it mentality I don’t want to just set it aside. And if business is coming my way I don’t want to turn it down, I feel that may be something God is preparing for me.

But what about the aspect of it that I really enjoy, getting outside at the beginning of spring to take some shots. Going on adventures around the world and allowing people to see that though my eyes.

Giving a family that may not be able to afford to have photographs taken of their child because they don’t have a budget built for that.

Or my favorite aspect of it…the one that ties into my mission work. That one that shows that glimpse of need where we are, that shows a little window into that world.

Those are my favorites. Those are what make my heart sing.

That is where I must tell myself, yes if doing a wedding pays for part of a mission trip or a mom a photo of her baby… I’ll do it. Even with the pressure involved. Because it allows me to do what makes my heart sing.

Here are just a few of some of my favored shots from here and there.

I hope you enjoy them.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Oh What a Night...

Last night was one of the worst nights ever. 

I was in intense pain from 8:30pm on.  Meaning I was curled up on the floor with my heating pad on my front and the space heater blowing on my back all night long.  I was told putting the space heater in bed with me would not be a good idea.  Which is why I was on the floor. 

I seriously thought I was going to go to the ER for a time period.  But since I HATE the hospital and there is NOTHING they could really do for me why spend the time in agony there plus all that money.

So I went into work late today- after not sleeping all night from the pain- then went to the doctor.  Where they pretty much again can tell me nothing. 

She did put me on antibiotics and gave me some pain killers in case I have another night like last night.

So I made an appointment with a regular doctor (not my gyno) to have my bladder and all that checked out.
I'll do that next Tuesday, since I was on Acutane a few years ago and there are now many new side effects from it we may have an issue stemming from that.  Who knows...but I'm tired of wondering. 

Then I made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist.  There are only 2 close by one in Little Rock and one in Oklahoma City.  I'll go see the one in Little Rock on April 8th.  Then we'll go from there.

And I'll be honest after a night like last night I am at a point on where does this leave me with my faith. 

I don't want to be one of those people who only relies on God when things are good.  I want to be leaning in on Him when things are tough.  And I feel like I've done that these past few months, that I've done it with all the emotional turmoil and all that.  That as things have gotten to this point I've trusted, waited on him for healing and all that. 
But I'll be honest after a night like last night I'm frustrated.  I feel hopelessness creeping in.  And I don't like that but with everything going on I don't know what to do.

I have my little desk calendar from Dayspring- it's Holley Gerth's "Bring the Rain" one.  And I love it usually.
(fyi Holly has a GREAT blog -check it out here ) 
Today's little nugget was this:

Lord, thank you that my life is in your hands.  You are the one who offers me ultimate security no matter what happens.  I release my fear to you and ask you to replace it with trust in you. Amen.

And it was great to read that really- but I somewhat wonder if I can release that fear.  I know deep down I want to- that it's the right thing to do but I just don't know that I'm in a place where I can. 

So if you read this.  Please pray for me.  I sure could use it.

I just really want some answers. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

What to write...

I'm at a place right now where I don't know what to write.  I've been drawing a blank for almost a week now.  Even to the point that I didn't blog in the Jam this past thursday...something I hate not participating it. 
But since this past jam was about REST I decided that it would be ok to miss it if rest is what I needed to do.  And boy did I need to give my thoughts a rest.  After all sometimes I can totally over think things.  And that was certainly going on.....

This past week I've been struggling with my health. 

Not that anything has really changed, since honestly things don't seem to ever change anymore. 

But I'm frustrated. 

As of Thursday afternoon I'm now on BC.  The Mirena to be exact.

I never thought I'd be on BC, never wanted to be on BC. 
And honestly the placement of this device really sucked.
It was painful. 
And I've been in pain since then. 

And I was thinking this morning, I can't remember the last time I felt well.

Now don't get me wrong I can feel "good" with out feeling well and healthy.

And I'm frustrated.  I'm frustrated that there are no answers.

That they can't seem to tell me why I'm clotting and bleeding 20 days of the month.
That's right there are approximately 10 days in a month that I'm not doing some form of bleeding.

But there are no answers as to why.

When I went in for my appointment Thursday I was bleeding, which really, there's no way to know when I'm not going to be so you just do what you got to do right.  And the whole point on my going on BC is to stop the bleeding.  Because "it's not good for me to bleed that often" which is just kinda a duh statement if you ask me. 
And then after she finished placing it, my doctor asked me how long I've been doing that (the clotting) which I discussed at length with her on my last visit.  Which was the beginning of February.  Yes, the fact that she asked that question really irritated me.  A lot because what was the point of the discussion if she can't make note of it in my chart or read my chart before this appointment. 

I again asked her if there was any reason why this is happening. 
She seems to think that the clots won't stick to my wall and that is what is causing me to clot like this all the time.  Which has me thinking, if a clot won't stick, won't that mean a baby probably isn't going to stick either?

So yes, one more concern with my health now.

I can tell I'm on a hormone spike right now, which is probably why I'm as frustrated as I am but really?  At this point, if she can't give me an answer it's time for a specialist.  Time to see someone who can tell me something other than "I don't know why".

and while knowing I need to do that I have to admit one thing...

I'm scared.

to death.

Because there are so many "what ifs" out there that they could tell me is causing all this.

And what if it's something bad?

What if nothing (short of a hysterectomy) can fix things?

And what if they tell me I'll never have kids?

Personally I really would like to curl into a ball and hide from it all.

But that's not going to solve anything either is it.
So here we go looking for a new doctor, someone who specalizes in all these things and hopefully someone who can give me some answers.