Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Oh What a Night...

Last night was one of the worst nights ever. 

I was in intense pain from 8:30pm on.  Meaning I was curled up on the floor with my heating pad on my front and the space heater blowing on my back all night long.  I was told putting the space heater in bed with me would not be a good idea.  Which is why I was on the floor. 

I seriously thought I was going to go to the ER for a time period.  But since I HATE the hospital and there is NOTHING they could really do for me why spend the time in agony there plus all that money.

So I went into work late today- after not sleeping all night from the pain- then went to the doctor.  Where they pretty much again can tell me nothing. 

She did put me on antibiotics and gave me some pain killers in case I have another night like last night.

So I made an appointment with a regular doctor (not my gyno) to have my bladder and all that checked out.
I'll do that next Tuesday, since I was on Acutane a few years ago and there are now many new side effects from it we may have an issue stemming from that.  Who knows...but I'm tired of wondering. 

Then I made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist.  There are only 2 close by one in Little Rock and one in Oklahoma City.  I'll go see the one in Little Rock on April 8th.  Then we'll go from there.

And I'll be honest after a night like last night I am at a point on where does this leave me with my faith. 

I don't want to be one of those people who only relies on God when things are good.  I want to be leaning in on Him when things are tough.  And I feel like I've done that these past few months, that I've done it with all the emotional turmoil and all that.  That as things have gotten to this point I've trusted, waited on him for healing and all that. 
But I'll be honest after a night like last night I'm frustrated.  I feel hopelessness creeping in.  And I don't like that but with everything going on I don't know what to do.

I have my little desk calendar from Dayspring- it's Holley Gerth's "Bring the Rain" one.  And I love it usually.
(fyi Holly has a GREAT blog -check it out here ) 
Today's little nugget was this:

Lord, thank you that my life is in your hands.  You are the one who offers me ultimate security no matter what happens.  I release my fear to you and ask you to replace it with trust in you. Amen.

And it was great to read that really- but I somewhat wonder if I can release that fear.  I know deep down I want to- that it's the right thing to do but I just don't know that I'm in a place where I can. 

So if you read this.  Please pray for me.  I sure could use it.

I just really want some answers. 


Alyssa Rose said...

Ah, dear thing, know you are in my thoughts and prayer! I hope you are feeling better tonight!

Leanna said...

Thanks Alyssa- I'm still in some pain but no where near where I was Tuesday night.