Thursday, March 17, 2011

Today I feel like a big baby

Make that a big whinny baby...

So if you don't want to hear me complain just stop reading now.

I promise I will understand. 

But I do want to ask, Do you ever feel lonley?
Even in a crowd of people, friends or family, do you ever find yourself to be lonley?

Today I feel lonely.

I feel like no matter what I do I can't seem to get someone who is there for me.

I feel let down by people.

And yes I know these are stupid feelings.

I have plenty of friends who love and care about me. 
And I know I am very blessed with friends all across this globe, great, wonderful friends. 

I also know I'm a big girl who can do things on her own without others. 

But the truth of the matter is sometimes I simply don't want to.

This weekend is one of those times.

There are things this weekend that I want to do. 

Things that I'm sure if I did them alone I'd be just fine but the truth is I just don't want to do them alone.

I feel insecure this week...and doing things alone when I feel insecure isn't fun. 

At least not for me. 

And I've tried and tried and tried to find someone to do these things with me this weekend, but nothing is working out.

And it just flat out sucks. 
But I don't want to tell my friends who don't really have anything going on (because that's what some of it is, they just don't want to- and I do understand I really do- I promise there are no hard feelings about them saying no) that my heart just really could use someone right now. 

Because the last thing I want is for one of them to do it out of guilt. 

Because even if I'm alone, I think I may prefer that out of someone being there because they feel obligated. 

Do you ever feel this way?

This is something I wrote last night, after getting home from church- I was feeling pretty bad physically which is what the pain is refering to, but I know that today the pain also applies to my heart.

I wish there was someone here that knew how I felt
I wish I had a good single friend to be able to hang out with

I wish the pain would go away
I wish the hormones would level out

But wishing doesn't usually do a thing
So instead I'll hope. Or hang on to hope.
God has a plan in all this. I will trust him in it.
I will believe that he wants good things for me.
I will rest on him.
Even when the pain is great. Or the mood swings greater
He is greatest
Able to handle them all

-----And today I really am trying to cling to him to believe that last part that I wrote last night but I'm struggling in it.  More than I want to admit to anyone, but I am.
But aside from you guys, no one will know. 

So keep that in mind today and other days- sometimes a person can be smiling on the outside- be they stranger or friend - and not fully smiling on the inside.

And here's another question- How do you go about meeting and connecting with other ladies?

I'm trying to take more steps to get connected with other christian females, even to the extent that I'm going to start going to the Women's Bible Study at the NEW church on Monday nights.  (It means cutting out that night for running unless I hit the gym at 7 but I need more friends and this is one of the only ways I'll hopefully get them).

But I KNOW there are other lonely women out there do we connect with one another?

1 comment:

Alyssa Rose said...

OH! I.SO.KNOW.HOW.YOU.FEEL! I have so been there! You know what? I probably will be there again and again and again. Usually when I am this way I write down a list of blessings God had put in my life and then I go out and do some fun simple things for others. Like get $1 cards and send them out to my close friends. In doing this I am putting my focus on God and what he has been doing in my life and then blessing others in return.