Tuesday, March 8, 2011

What to write...

I'm at a place right now where I don't know what to write.  I've been drawing a blank for almost a week now.  Even to the point that I didn't blog in the Jam this past thursday...something I hate not participating it. 
But since this past jam was about REST I decided that it would be ok to miss it if rest is what I needed to do.  And boy did I need to give my thoughts a rest.  After all sometimes I can totally over think things.  And that was certainly going on.....

This past week I've been struggling with my health. 

Not that anything has really changed, since honestly things don't seem to ever change anymore. 

But I'm frustrated. 

As of Thursday afternoon I'm now on BC.  The Mirena to be exact.

I never thought I'd be on BC, never wanted to be on BC. 
And honestly the placement of this device really sucked.
It was painful. 
And I've been in pain since then. 

And I was thinking this morning, I can't remember the last time I felt well.

Now don't get me wrong I can feel "good" with out feeling well and healthy.

And I'm frustrated.  I'm frustrated that there are no answers.

That they can't seem to tell me why I'm clotting and bleeding 20 days of the month.
That's right there are approximately 10 days in a month that I'm not doing some form of bleeding.

But there are no answers as to why.

When I went in for my appointment Thursday I was bleeding, which really, there's no way to know when I'm not going to be so you just do what you got to do right.  And the whole point on my going on BC is to stop the bleeding.  Because "it's not good for me to bleed that often" which is just kinda a duh statement if you ask me. 
And then after she finished placing it, my doctor asked me how long I've been doing that (the clotting) which I discussed at length with her on my last visit.  Which was the beginning of February.  Yes, the fact that she asked that question really irritated me.  A lot because what was the point of the discussion if she can't make note of it in my chart or read my chart before this appointment. 

I again asked her if there was any reason why this is happening. 
She seems to think that the clots won't stick to my wall and that is what is causing me to clot like this all the time.  Which has me thinking, if a clot won't stick, won't that mean a baby probably isn't going to stick either?

So yes, one more concern with my health now.

I can tell I'm on a hormone spike right now, which is probably why I'm as frustrated as I am but really?  At this point, if she can't give me an answer it's time for a specialist.  Time to see someone who can tell me something other than "I don't know why".

and while knowing I need to do that I have to admit one thing...

I'm scared.

to death.

Because there are so many "what ifs" out there that they could tell me is causing all this.

And what if it's something bad?

What if nothing (short of a hysterectomy) can fix things?

And what if they tell me I'll never have kids?

Personally I really would like to curl into a ball and hide from it all.

But that's not going to solve anything either is it.
So here we go looking for a new doctor, someone who specalizes in all these things and hopefully someone who can give me some answers. 

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