Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I feel like I'm really walking in the Valley right now...

I feel like life is one big struggle right now...

Maybe it's those winter blues, maybe it's the passage of another year, maybe it's what seems like the lack of interest from that boy, maybe it's lack of sleep.

I wish I knew what it really was that had me down. 

That thing that seems to keep pushing me down. 

That the thing that seems to, no matter how I try to get up, keeps rushing back to me.

I don't like this, HATE would probably be a good word for it. 

I'm not that girl.  The sad, irritable, semi-depressed girl I see in the mirror.  The one I see even through the forced smile, I can see it in those brown eyes. 

The one that is longing for someone to just wrap her in their arms and allow her to cry it out while they rub her back and say everything is going to be fine. 

I'm not that girl.  I'm the one who people come to for strength and encouragement. 

The one that others lean on, not the one that leans on others. 

And I know, I KNOW what the word says, I know that He PROMISES he won't leave or forsake.

"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”  Deut 31:6

But I don't feel like I have it in me right now to be STRONG and of Good COURAGE. 
So What do I do? 
I'm trying just to hang in there right now.  But even little things seem to set me off right now. 
And it's hard.  I know some people can tell I'm struggling,  Some try to be encouraging, by saying things like...
they know I'm tired of being patient, but to just keep my head up.  That God has a plan and I'm an amazing person.   (how can they know, they are neither 30 or single)
Or that God has someone really special for me.  Because I'm so special. (I'm not really questioning my specialness)
Or that its all in God timing.  (duh, it's always God's timing)
I KNOW these things deep down...
I've probably heard most of them repeatedly, more times than I could count, in the last 15 years. 
And while they mean well, sometimes those words hurt.  Sometimes they get lost in the pain.  Sometimes words aren't what someone needs (odd as it is for me to say that since I'm writing) Sometimes all we need is someone to just be there with us in the journey. 
To simply sit with us, to simply stand with us and just be there. 
In our hurt, pain, disappointment, struggles, or whatever it is that we are experiencing. 
I don't (nor do others who are hurting) expect some to have those right words, the "golden" words. 
If you're not near in distance a simple- wish I was there to give you a hug, sit with you, or grab coffee, is often FELT just like those actual things. 
I KNOW -with out a shadow of a doubt- that God hasn't left.  That he does understand, that he does have someone.  That he sees and even FEELS my pain (& yours too).
And I know he will work it out for his good- 
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28
I KNOW I am called according to HIS Purpose,  even if I don't understand the whys of this time in my life.
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.  JAMES 1:2-8
While I am finding it hard to count it as joy- I'm believing that God has his reasons for all this. And I'm doing all I can to persevere. 
Will you sit with me, pray with me, just be with me in this journey.  I don't expect you to have the answer, I just want to know you're there with me in it.  Sticking with me in all things, just like I'll stick with you. 
Even if you are struggling, irritable, semi-depressed, or tearful.


Alyssa Rose said...

Uffdah! (True MN talk for ya!)

You sound like me when I am by myself - talking to myself. :0) When I am in a valley (as you say) I know the right answers and everything (like you) but more often then not, when I feel as thought I am walking through a valley, I am looking at my life WAY to close and what I see only makes me feel worse. My focus is on me and not on Him and what He is REALLY doing in my life. (Even thought I think it is.) At that point when I realize that, I find some time and sit down with a pen and paper and write out all the blessings He has given me - EVERY ONE that I can think of, right down to some of the most silliest things. Example: My bed, the little hair clip I got at Clair's, gas in my car. Even the little silly things can perk me up because most people around the world can't afford them but God blessed me with that.
~Just a thought.

But I know, sometimes words from others can hurt. I also know that at times like these we just need someone to simply listen. Finding those people is hard but they are out there. - I am listening and I love reading what you write. You write about your life; the good, the bad and the ugly. You are real and that is life and I love it. I love how open you are. So, please don't change that, dear girl! ;)

Haha, I will cry with you if you cry with me! I need a good cry. I just wish the tears would come. But they haven't. Oh, well.

I will be thinking of you this week!

~ The girl Among The Flowers

Leanna said...

Alyssa- thank you. I'm going to make that list. :)
And thank you for crying with me.

I did feel better just getting it all out. Even if I feel bad saying anything at all.

Patti said...

I'm not sure how I found your blog, but I stumbled upon it and really appreciate your honesty. I am so exactly where you are right now...only with less grace, probably. I mean, if one more person gives me the "God has a plan...you're really special...there's someone special out there for you..." speech, I might actually scream. Like I said, less grace ;-)

All this to say...I'm sitting there with you, feeling the same, fighting to keep the same smile and seeing the sad eyes behind it. Doesn't help, I know, but you're not alone.

Leanna said...

Patti- I'm sorry you're going through it as well.
It is hard. And at times it seems like more than we can handle but hold tight to that hope. He won't give us more than we can handle.
He's with us every step.
And I'm sure he has a plan for both of us.
My heart aches with yours. Know I'm sitting there quietly with you holding onto that HOPE.
Love ya girl.

Leanna said...

Oh and Patti - you found me because God knew you needed to find me today