Sunday, January 16, 2011

I'm tired....

It's been a long weekend.  And honestly I'm tired.  Very tired. 

Friday night I celebrated my Birthday with my sisters, which was nice. 
We did a little shopping (so I could pick out my birthday presents, I've mentioned I'm REALLY hard to shop for so this is usually what I end up doing with my family or they just give me money).

Then we went to see Country Strong, which for the most part wasn't too bad.  Especially if you look into all the junk that's in movies these days. 

BTW if you ever want to know what is in a movie BEFORE you see it I totally recommend Focus on the Family's movie review site.  Plugged In offers not just detailed movie reviews but DVD reviews and TV shows as well. I've found it to be very helpful. 
Though I will say sometimes you miss the *spoiler alert* like I did Friday when I was looking up Country Strong so I ended up knowing what was going to happen.  Which wasn't very cool.  :o( 

Saturday we went bridesmaid dress shopping for my sister's wedding in April.  And immediately after that I had to rush to one of our local convention centers to work a bridal show with my best friend. 
She has hr own photography company and this year we are going to try to work together more.  And if she is booked for a wedding on a certain date she is going to pass the person on to me, which honestly weddings scare me, but I think we can make it work.  I just plan to practice more before I shoot a wedding on my own.

But aside from being on my feet all day I had a great time.  A better time than I expected really.  It was a lot of fun getting to talk to people about what we offer and all that.  I had thought it might be a little rough being around all the brides all day, given my current and seemingly non ending struggle with my singleness, but I had a good time. 

After the show I met up with 10 of the ladies I work with at Outback for some more birthday celebration.  It was really nice to go out with everyone and as a bonus we were seated where we could watch the 2nd half of the Steelers/Ravens game and my boys pulled off the win.  :o)  Which was a GREAT birthday present. 

Then a few of us went and saw the Green Hornet.  It was pretty good, funny actually. 
Though again I say check out the review, especially if you have kids, I don't know that I would let me kids see that movie; if I had kids.

So Saturday was a really good day, a lot of fun. 

Today was a pretty good day too.

5 of my kids from youth got baptized this morning which was beyond fantastic. 

It's something we've been talking about for awhile now so it was great to see them make the commitment and do it. 

Then I had lunch with my parents and sisters, followed by a little grocery shopping.  And now 4 of my kids from our mission trips are here at the house. 

they are all in college (ok Megan is actually interning at her church so she's not but they are all college age) 2 of they go to school about 30min away so they like to come over so I can feed them. 

The even funnier thing is that when they come over they want to watch the Twilight movies. 
Did I mention that 3 of the 4 are boys, and when we watched Twilight it was just the 2 boys, they are the ones that wanted to watch it. 
Tonight we are watching New Moon, it's hilarious to hear the commentary that comes along with it from the boys.  They are certainly paying more attention to it then Megan and I are. 

The house is full of laughter which is pretty great. 

Because honestly I've been down since my Birthday approached this week.  And then passed,  and here I am still single. 

When it comes to talking to God, I'm still trying to press in,  to figure out the whys of all of this. 
The when will it be my turn or when will this desire go away. 

And to be honest there have been some angry moments.  Not angry at God really, just angry about things and the way they are.  But hey, God can handle that.  He understands all of it and not that he's happy that I feel this way but he is certainly able to handle how I feel.

And I know he's here with me through all of this, but sometimes it just sucks. 
And I'm trying to understand, trying to be patient, trying to believe that one day, it will all work out. 
One day  I won't be going through all of this, and I really do believe that DEEP DOWN but it's hard right now to really cling to that hope.

It's hard to just put a smile on my face and tell people I'm fine when they ask how I am. It's hard to keep smiling, it's hard not to cry at random times. 
I'm so tired of it of putting on that brave face.  Of needing to put on the brave face, tired of needing to wait, believe, hope.
I wish some days it was all over all done.  That I could just be in a place where I could rest. 

Maybe someday it will happen soon. 

Maybe someday....I won't be so tired.


S.I.F. said...

I hear you so much on this one friend. My birthday is coming as well, and it's just another birthday. Another birthday with no partner, and no baby. And now, another birthday reminder that I will probably never have a baby. Somtimes it is suffocating to think about... Sorry you're so tired friend.

Leanna said...

Thanks. Sorry you're feeling the same way too.

I know DEEP down that God has a plan in all of this. It's just one of those low valley times that I'm going through. :o(