Thursday, May 20, 2010

Who turned out the light?

*things are kinda raw for me right now, so this post may seem a little off to some and for that I'm kinda sorry, but I needed to try to "talk" my thoughts out on this one and put it somewhere I could look at it again.

I'm not sure how to put this, because while I know that what I'm going through in the grand scheme of things honestly isn't anything in comparison to what some people go through; i.e. cancer, loss of a family member, divorcing parents or anything like that, things still just kinda suck right now.

And I feel lost. Out of sorts in things. I'm not sure what to do, where to go, who to turn to.
The people that I would most often turn to...I can't. Which really should be phrased as I won't I suppose. Because it's not that the door is closed to me, but I don't want them to know the why behind the suffering. Because then they would know my shame.

Now, some of you know what the whole deal behind that is, others don't but I hesitate to put it on here for the fact that you never know who or when someone would stumble on here. And I have kids I wouldn't want to know the story (youth kids not my own children...I don't have those.)

Now mind you, I know that God forgives, I really, really do. And I believe it. But I'm having a hard time owning it this time. Last time I did ok with it. This time, I don't know, it's just odd. I don't really want to talk about what happened or what I'm feeling. But I don't want to be alone yet at the same time I don't really want to be around most people.
Hobbies that I used to enjoy, like reading, hold no desire for me right now.
Exercise holds no appeal, even though I know I need to do it. And I want to sleep most of the time but when it's time to sleep I can't.
I look at my Bible daily and tell myself I need to pick it up and read it but I feel like I have no idea where to even start looking for answers and healing.

On top of all that it seems like it's just been a bad news/crappy people week. There's the stuff with the sisters ex that happened Friday, well he couldn't handle that I called him a butt on Facebook, so he decided to send texts to me Tuesday night. I had to deal with a stupid kid on Monday, then yesterday I went to the dentist and found out I have a cracked tooth. Along with stupid parents that say or allow others to say hurtful things (like you ruined your mother's life) It's just kinda like, what's going to happen next.

I generally feel like I'm not normally a pessimist (ladies if I'm wrong someone tell me). But even though I know that the sun will shine again I'm having a hard time picturing it.
I feel like I'm wandering in the dark, trying to find my way back, and I'm just not sure how to do that. I don't like this feeling.

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