Monday, May 24, 2010

Back Out?

I've never backed out of a mission trip before.
Not even after 9/11 when we were about 6 weeks away from heading to Turkey, a 99.9% Muslim country.
A place where people in YWAM (that a missionary sending organization) were telling us that we shouldn't go. But still I didn't back out, didn't want to back out. In fact it just made me want to go that much more.

This year I'm supposed to go to the Dominican Republic/Haiti. In fact I'm supposed to go in 5weeks. Right now I'm $400 short of what I need for the trip. Minus my ticket for FL- that's not factored into that amount. So I'd add probably another $200 to that $400.
That's something that rarely happens as well. Usually all the money is in well before the deadline.

Now, right now, I'm at the point where if I were to back out I'd lose all the $$ for the plane ticket. Which wouldn't be good.
But right now I'm also questioning my going. I'm tired these days and highly irritable. Things that aren't really good for a mission trip.
Now, don't get me wrong a part of me VERY much wants to go. After all it's the Haiti part that is really calling my name. I want to go there. To help in the medical clinics, to see the devastation, to help people. The people are what's drawing me there.
But something also tells me if I go this is going to be a very hard trip. Not only because it is one of the most packed schedules we have had in a long the span of 2 weeks we will: Build a house, do medical clinics, drama outreach, a sports clinic, and spend at least 3 days in Haiti.
But the group we are going with is going to be a lot of teenage couples.
I'm just not sure I really want to be around that. Which is totally crazy right? After all I'm around my kids every Wednesday and we have couples in the youth group. We have rules set up in the youth group for PDA as well as on the mission team. In fact the mission team may have more rules then what we have for the youth group, which is really saying something.
So it shouldn't be a factor right? It's stupid to worry about it right?
But with everything I've been dealing with lately that's something I think is going to be hard for me.
Seeing all those "kids" with someone. And here I am 30 and alone. I know that sounds poor pitiful me-ish. In fact I'm sure that's what it is but I still kinda feel that way.
And I know deep down that more than likely most of these couples won't stay together forever but still. Sometimes it seems like one's singleness is rubbed in their nose.

So 5weeks...I have 5weeks to get my outlook changed on this. And about 2weeks to get $600 in for this trip.

Because as much as a part of me wants to back out, a bigger part of me wants to go.


S.I.F. said...

You'll figure it out lady. And you will go. And it will be one of those eye opening, life changing experiences that will bring you back fulfilled and open and ready to start again! I just know it!

Single Lady said...

Yes you are VERY right. It will get sorted out, and I will go. And it will be all those other things. And I have never gone on a trip and been not been blessed. I'm sure He will bless me on this one too. If nothing else I know it will help me get back on track with things.
Healing is happening, I may not always feel it but I know that God is faithful even when I am not. It's just a process that is taking time.