Wednesday, May 19, 2010

a spark of hope left

I just want to get away, to go far away and stay there for awhile.
To sleep, all day, and just rest.

I need a place where I can get back to the one that really loves me.
To the one that even when I walked away was still there. Waiting,
softly calling, hurting when I hurt, and holding on to me when all I
wanted to do was let go.

There are rules in life; those rules are placed in our lives not to
keep us from having fun but to keep us from getting hurt.

Oh how I wish I had used the judgment I'd had exercised most of my

Right now I'm having a hard time now not regretting things. That I put
my trust in someone who I thought aside from that "one thing" was
worthy of my time, my affection, even part of my heart. I thought it
was ok to care. I thought it was safe.
I found out I was wrong. That they didn't allow themselves to see past
their number one...them self.
I know I'm a giver that's just something I know I love, I enjoy, I
want to help people. And when I care about someone I want to do those
things...give, help, take care of, and all that. Even if it includes
my heart. Even if I should have known better. Is love wrong? No, do I
regret that, no. Does it suck? A TON.
And were on round 2 of it, or I should say I'm on round 2. Because
we'd been "seeing" each other again for...maybe about 3 weeks or so now.
(Sorry girls, I didn't say anything because I knew it was wrong but
the heart wants what it wants).
And I pushed God to the side, stopped reading my Bible and such
because I knew that. Some days I was ok or at least thought I was.
Other days I was miserable.

Now I'm miserable but know that I'll be ok.
And I have hope. It's faint right now but it only takes a spark to
light a fire.

I know that I still want to marry some day. And I have hope that it
will happen, I don't think I'll be ready for awhile but wounds that
don't kill you heal in time. This may feel like a kill shot but I’m
still standing, my wound will heal. After all I know a great physician.


S.I.F. said...

Oh lady! I hate that you are facing this same heartbreak all over again!!

Leanna said...

Thanks Leah, I can only blame myself though.
I knew better getting into it again but allowed it anyway.
No more though, unless something changes, he's not the right one for me, no matter if we both want one another.
I didn't leave much unsaid this time though, sent a long email yesterday, one he doesn't have to respond to but I said all that I felt needed to be. Which right or wrong made me feel better. Hopefully he'll be ok with it.