Thursday, September 16, 2010

I'm just tired....

I'm going to be totally honest today.

I'm tired, tired of running the race. 
Tired of this world we live in.
I LONG for the day that all this is over.

No I don't need to be put on suicide watch or anything like that.  I'm not now nor ever going to do anything to harm myself.

But I do wish, that life were done. 

I've messed up a LOT this year.  More than any year of my life.
It's going to take some time to get things back on the right track. 
I know that.  But I also know that I'm tired.

I long for the simpler days, where I did the right thing, where my witness was still good.
Where I got along well with almost everyone.  Where I don't know, I felt sane.

Not that I feel insane, not really, though does an insane person know they are insane? 

But I miss my old life.  I want to go home. 

I'm working to get back there but there are painful consequences from the choices I made.  Pain that I have been dealing with and there will be further pain. 

Most of all I know I feel disconnected from God.  Something that for me hurts the most, something that makes me sad.  And something that is just plain horrible in my book.

So if you read this, and I know you, know that I'm trying to get back to the right path.
And if I don't know you, please look around you there may be someone right beside you that is very good at faking it.  I know I am...which isn't something to boast about but just a simple fact. 
Look at people, ask God to reveal ways to you to help others,  even ones you don't know are struggling. 
If you have a friend you've disconnected from reach out and try to reconnect.  More than likely they really need you.  They may never tell you that they do, because they worry about being a burden to you.  But trust me they do.
And seek an accountability partner. 
That is one thing we all really need.  Struggling or not.


Alyssa Rose said...

Oh, Leanna! I <3 you! :o) I don't know you that well at all. But you are real in what you write and I like that. From what I've read, you sound a like me but the difference is, you post what you feel. I don't always do that. :o) I wish I did.

This Minnesota gal will be praying for you!

Abbie H. said...

Leanna, I hoped over while working on some Bible study stuff tonight...this morning. ;)

Here in about 5 minutes when I get off the computer, I'm praying for you. While I pray for you, I'm praying for those that are struggling with the some of the same feelings--including myself. It's been a long, hard, emotional week. Not many words to describe it, but know that I feel your hurt tonight and I've felt it many times before.

I've found in my journey with God, I learn to understand that emptiness of being without Him much sooner each time I start to stray away. Let Him be your rock right now and I'll try to do the same!

Leanna said...

Thanks Abbie- I appreciate the prayers and knowing that someone else is struggling- even though I hate to hear that you are. I'm looking forward to this study and getting to know all of you better!