Monday, April 25, 2011

Negativity Fast & the Battlefield of the Mind… and the Ex.

So we are now on day 25 of the Negativity Fast.

It's going pretty well for the most part, better than I expected in most ways, and I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job following the "what it's not" part. 

Which is:
Not denying problems exist
Not "stuffing things" that are wrong
Not critical of others that are struggling
Not irresponsible concerning things that need to be done

I'm doing ok in certain other areas of what it is, like the one about refraining from giving voice to pessimism, replacing negative words & thoughts, I'm trying to see hope about even the tough issues.

I'm not doing as great in DETERMINING to focus more on God's promises.  I'm trying to focus on them but I'm not as determined as I feel I should be.  And sometimes I forget that's what I need to look at, you know...what God says, not what others say, or what I say, not even what I think and feel. 

And yesterday was a rough day.  All the wedding stuff was finally done, which was nice. 
But most of the family left in the morning, which was hard, and then my sister left, and I was home alone. 
I got on facebook and happened to see a picture of the Ex with whom I'm assuming is his new girlfriend.  His status may still say single but I know they were on a date a few weeks ago so my assumption is that if they have a picture together on FB they are "together, together". 

And while I know that he's not the one God has for me (at the very least he's not the one now, not in his current unsaved state), it still hit me hard.  Harder than I wanted it to.  Harder than I expected. 
And there is a fear in me that is whispering - he's going to marry her. 

Stupid right, yes I know that.  But it clenches my heart every time it crosses my mind. 

I also know this is the devil speaking to me. Because this is a stronghold he has currently. 
See I started the Battlefield of the Mind Bible Study with the Saturday church, it's on Monday nights actually.  So I've been going through chapters one - five this week. And it's been talking a lot about taking our thoughts captive.
And I know this is one I really need to come against.  I'm just not sure how.  I'm not sure what to say to this thought to make it stop. 

Because I KNOW, that he's not it for me. 
I KNOW that there's no way to know what's going to happen with him and this girl. 
I KNOW that it's silly to think this way.

But I still care.  I still had a small ounce of hope that things would change maybe, I'm not sure. 
I still wanted things to one day work out with us. 

And yes I know that it's probably a good thing to go through this, to have to let go.  To have to move on. 
But it still hurts. 
I still cry. 

But this morning when I got on my computer I deleted him from my friends on Facebook.  Which has made me sad as well, but at least I won't have the temptation to see things, I won't be able to go look. 

Because sometimes you just don't want to know. 


Christy said...

Oh deary, I'll keep praying that you stand firm. It isn't always easy. My ex just got engaged about a month ago.... I know what you mean.

dunlizzie said...

That was both gutsy and brave, unfriending him. Good for you for stepping out with self-awareness. You know your challenges best and God will carry you through them. Your testimony of persevering in faith is great, even if it may/may not feel great to you in the process. Thanks for sharing your vulnerabilities. Stay strong sista!

Leanna said...

Thank you Ladies.
And Christy, I'm sorry you've had to go through it too.