Thursday, February 16, 2012

2012...starting off with a BANG.

So far the last month and 15 days have been packed full.

Full of Good things, like...

A quick trip to Vegas over Superbowl weekend
Photography & Photo shop Classes
A Birthday
Good times with Friends

And filled with some not so wonderful things, like....

The dentist, for 2 new fillings
The dermatologist, where I had to have my first biopsy. (thankfully that came back good.)
And more doctor visits. 
I've been to my "female" doctor a few times already this year. 
And I go in for a mammogram on Friday. 

My first one...because we found lumps at the beginning of the year.
Lumps that were still there when I went back again last week. 
I'm 32...only just recently...and I have to have one.

Don't get me wrong. 

I'm glad they aren't just having me wait and see and all that...

A month of waiting was bad enough. 

And it may be nothing. 

But I wonder at times....will it ever stop?

The constant seeing the doctor.

The constant not feeling well.

The constant (daily) pain, nausea, moodiness and feeling tired.

I was always a healthy person. 
I used to get perfect attendance in school, it was something I was very proud of. 
I was NEVER sick. 
In fact the only year I remember not having perfect attendance was when I was in 3rd grade because I got chicken pox. 
Other than that I'm pretty sure I was good.  I don't even remember being sick in High School.

And aside from a few problems in my very early 20s mostly with some cysts everything was fine then as well. 

But since I've turned 30 it's been a crazy ride.  

One I haven't been particularly fond of to be honest. 

Please know I'm not intending to complain here. 

I'm not. 

There is a part of me that knows things could be worse....much much worse.

But I need to try to clear my head of these things.
To see if I can maybe see it from a different angle. 
To understand better. 
Writing it out may not change a thing.
But maybe I'll feel a little better about things. 
Maybe I'll understand a little more. 
Who knows. 

There are certain things I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

Like why is seems some people go through (or even suffer to an extent) so much more than others.  (I don't count myself in with one of them but I know so many people who have gone through more than it seems possible at times).
It doesn’t seem fair to me. 

I know that He promises not to give us more than we can handle but I certainly know I’ve often felt He certainly thinks I can handle more than I think I can. 

Because there is so much I don't understand about this journey. 


dunlizzie said...

I don't always understand either, but what I know is that God is good, and d bad things don't come from a good God. The world is what's broken. From there I just try to focus on Him and who I am in Him. And writing, well it helps, because it lets people like me know how better to pray for you. Which I want to do and WILL do, because the other thing I know, is that God didn't call us to be alone. You are not alone. Love you sista.

Leanna said...

Thank's hard not to be frustrated in all of this. All I want is to feel well again, consistanly but I'm going to try taking it one day at a time and look for the small miracles.
Thank you for praying means so much!