Valleys

I feel like I'm really walking in the Valley right now...

I feel like life is one big struggle right now...

Maybe it's those winter blues, maybe it's the passage of another year, maybe it's what seems like the lack of interest from that boy, maybe it's lack of sleep.

I wish I knew what it really was that had me down. 

That thing that seems to keep pushing me down. 

That the thing that seems to, no matter how I try to get up, keeps rushing back to me.

I don't like this, HATE would probably be a good word for it. 

I'm not that girl.  The sad, irritable, semi-depressed girl I see in the mirror.  The one I see even through the forced smile, I can see it in those brown eyes. 

The one that is longing for someone to just wrap her in their arms and allow her to cry it out while they rub her back and say everything is going to be fine. 

I'm not that girl.  I'm the one who people come to for strength and encouragement. 

The one that others lean on, not the one that leans on others. 

And I know, I KNOW what the word says, I know that He PROMISES he won't leave or forsake.

"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”  Deut 31:6


But I don't feel like I have it in me right now to be STRONG and of Good COURAGE. 
 
So What do I do? 
 
I'm trying just to hang in there right now.  But even little things seem to set me off right now. 
 
And it's hard.  I know some people can tell I'm struggling,  Some try to be encouraging, by saying things like...
 
they know I'm tired of being patient, but to just keep my head up.  That God has a plan and I'm an amazing person.   (how can they know, they are neither 30 or single)
 
Or that God has someone really special for me.  Because I'm so special. (I'm not really questioning my specialness)
 
Or that its all in God timing.  (duh, it's always God's timing)
 
I KNOW these things deep down...
 
I've probably heard most of them repeatedly, more times than I could count, in the last 15 years. 
 
And while they mean well, sometimes those words hurt.  Sometimes they get lost in the pain.  Sometimes words aren't what someone needs (odd as it is for me to say that since I'm writing) Sometimes all we need is someone to just be there with us in the journey. 
To simply sit with us, to simply stand with us and just be there. 
 
TO JUST BE WITH US
 
In our hurt, pain, disappointment, struggles, or whatever it is that we are experiencing. 
 
I don't (nor do others who are hurting) expect some to have those right words, the "golden" words. 
If you're not near in distance a simple- wish I was there to give you a hug, sit with you, or grab coffee, is often FELT just like those actual things. 
 
I KNOW -with out a shadow of a doubt- that God hasn't left.  That he does understand, that he does have someone.  That he sees and even FEELS my pain (& yours too).
And I know he will work it out for his good- 
 
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28
 
I KNOW I am called according to HIS Purpose,  even if I don't understand the whys of this time in my life.
 
 
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.  JAMES 1:2-8
 
While I am finding it hard to count it as joy- I'm believing that God has his reasons for all this. And I'm doing all I can to persevere. 
 
Will you sit with me, pray with me, just be with me in this journey.  I don't expect you to have the answer, I just want to know you're there with me in it.  Sticking with me in all things, just like I'll stick with you. 
Even if you are struggling, irritable, semi-depressed, or tearful.

Sometimes its all I can do...

Not to smile....but just to keep from frowning

To keep moving...instread of standing still

To hang on...instead of letting go

To hold back the tears....when all I want to do is cry

To admit that I was hurt...when fear wants me to keep it in

To remind myself that I'm worth more....instead of allowing my thoughts to say otherwise


Life can be hard, and a struggle to keep walking.
I'll admit I've fallen a lot this year and it's taken it's toll on me.
On my heart. 
But I know that things can get better and they will eventually.
That the wounds will heal.  That He will heal me.

He knows
Even though I may not be smiling....I will smile again

That even if I stand still...there will be another time of movement

That it's ok to cry....he's counting my tears

That I'm not to fear....he's my loving father who is holding me safe.

He whispers to me, "you're  royalty, my daughter, I love you & you are worth the greatest treasure...even if I don't feel that way.

Bonnie from Faith Barista let me know that the Jam session for Thursday will be how does your faith affect your personality?

I think that my faith is so deeply intertwined with who I am it can't not affect my personality.
It gives me hope and peace.  Joy in struggles.
While things aren't always good,  or easy there is  still a foundation at the core of who I am. 
My faith helps me to think too.
Before I speak (though honestly this isn't ALWAYS, I am human) it helps me to think, how will it be taken.  How it could be perceived.
It changes how things affect me because I long to have a heart that longs for the things that He longs for. 
It affects how I think of and forgive others, even if they don't ask for it.  Even when I think they should. 
But over all it helps me to just be me...to relax and know I am ...flaws and all...the person He created me to be.
He loves me as I am.  He loved me where I was in the dirt and grime before I knew Him.  When I still stumble and fall in the pig sty and get dirty again, He lets me know that He still loves me and will pick me up and brush off the dirt and hold me close again.  He rejoices in the steps I take toward him, even in the littlest ones, because He loves me.


Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing i desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalms 73:25-I6