I'm addicted ...

So, first off I want to say I've totally lost my "want to back out" feeling for the up coming trip.
I'm looking forward to it now. however we are having some issues with our domestic flight and we are very unflexable with what we can get for our flight to and from FL since I have to lead the flight there and back with one other lady. So please, please, please keep it in your prayers.


Alright on to the addictions. :o)
I'm currently addicted to wedding dress shows.
Be it TLCs "Say Yes to the Dress", or some other show I just love these things right now.
I even "found my dress", it is georgus, however I went to see it on the show I DVRed and it's not there anymore :o( sometimes I REALLY hate the DVR!!!
But hopefully I'll catch it again on a rerun.

I wonder though if these wedding dress shows are really good for me.
Take tonight for example. I'm watching one now as I'm typing this, and enjoy it.
But I also feel a little lonely tonight and can't help but wonder, is it good to see all these women planning their wedding when that's what I'm looking for myself?

Isn't this some kind of torture? Am I stupid for watching this? It seems like torture at times, like tonight when I feel lonely but at the same time it's like I just can't look away.

I guess I keep looking for my happy ending. One day I know I'll find it.

JJ Heller - All I Need

This is such a good song, and no true. No matter what I think or feel He really is all I need.

Lyrics to All I Need :
Don’t need a thing
My good Shepherd brings me all
You are all I need

You let me catch my breath
Even in the valley of death
You are all I need

All I need to be complete
Is Your love
Your blood that covers me

You lift up my head
You provide the wine and bread
You, You are all I need

There’s no need to fear
Even with my enemies here
You are all I need

All I need to be complete
Is Your love
Your blood that covers me

Goodness and mercy are following me
You’re all that I need
You make a home for me
Where pastures are green as far as I see
You are all I need

All I need to be complete
Is Your love
Your blood that covers me

Back Out?

I've never backed out of a mission trip before.
Not even after 9/11 when we were about 6 weeks away from heading to Turkey, a 99.9% Muslim country.
A place where people in YWAM (that a missionary sending organization) were telling us that we shouldn't go. But still I didn't back out, didn't want to back out. In fact it just made me want to go that much more.

This year I'm supposed to go to the Dominican Republic/Haiti. In fact I'm supposed to go in 5weeks. Right now I'm $400 short of what I need for the trip. Minus my ticket for FL- that's not factored into that amount. So I'd add probably another $200 to that $400.
That's something that rarely happens as well. Usually all the money is in well before the deadline.

Now, right now, I'm at the point where if I were to back out I'd lose all the $$ for the plane ticket. Which wouldn't be good.
But right now I'm also questioning my going. I'm tired these days and highly irritable. Things that aren't really good for a mission trip.
Now, don't get me wrong a part of me VERY much wants to go. After all it's the Haiti part that is really calling my name. I want to go there. To help in the medical clinics, to see the devastation, to help people. The people are what's drawing me there.
But something also tells me if I go this is going to be a very hard trip. Not only because it is one of the most packed schedules we have had in a long time....in the span of 2 weeks we will: Build a house, do medical clinics, drama outreach, a sports clinic, and spend at least 3 days in Haiti.
But the group we are going with is going to be a lot of teenage couples.
I'm just not sure I really want to be around that. Which is totally crazy right? After all I'm around my kids every Wednesday and we have couples in the youth group. We have rules set up in the youth group for PDA as well as on the mission team. In fact the mission team may have more rules then what we have for the youth group, which is really saying something.
So it shouldn't be a factor right? It's stupid to worry about it right?
But with everything I've been dealing with lately that's something I think is going to be hard for me.
Seeing all those "kids" with someone. And here I am 30 and alone. I know that sounds poor pitiful me-ish. In fact I'm sure that's what it is but I still kinda feel that way.
And I know deep down that more than likely most of these couples won't stay together forever but still. Sometimes it seems like one's singleness is rubbed in their nose.

So 5weeks...I have 5weeks to get my outlook changed on this. And about 2weeks to get $600 in for this trip.

Because as much as a part of me wants to back out, a bigger part of me wants to go.

I felt the Earth move...

No, not THAT way...

Literally!

We had another earthquake here in northwest Arkansas last night. 7:01pm I was napping on the couch and the earth shook and woke me up. :) It sounded like someone hit the garage door with a car and it shook the house. It was only a 2.6. But I am so excited! Silly? Yes! Crazy? You bet ya! But we had one in April that was a 2.5 and I was so disappointed that I didn't get to feel it. But I felt this one.

I know it's crazy that an earthquake made me feel better about everything that's going on but in some crazy way it did. And while I know that there are going to be more tough days ahead I know deep down everything is going to be alright.

I'm just a little shaken for now. :o)

Who turned out the light?

*things are kinda raw for me right now, so this post may seem a little off to some and for that I'm kinda sorry, but I needed to try to "talk" my thoughts out on this one and put it somewhere I could look at it again.

I'm not sure how to put this, because while I know that what I'm going through in the grand scheme of things honestly isn't anything in comparison to what some people go through; i.e. cancer, loss of a family member, divorcing parents or anything like that, things still just kinda suck right now.

And I feel lost. Out of sorts in things. I'm not sure what to do, where to go, who to turn to.
The people that I would most often turn to...I can't. Which really should be phrased as I won't I suppose. Because it's not that the door is closed to me, but I don't want them to know the why behind the suffering. Because then they would know my shame.

Now, some of you know what the whole deal behind that is, others don't but I hesitate to put it on here for the fact that you never know who or when someone would stumble on here. And I have kids I wouldn't want to know the story (youth kids not my own children...I don't have those.)

Now mind you, I know that God forgives, I really, really do. And I believe it. But I'm having a hard time owning it this time. Last time I did ok with it. This time, I don't know, it's just odd. I don't really want to talk about what happened or what I'm feeling. But I don't want to be alone yet at the same time I don't really want to be around most people.
Hobbies that I used to enjoy, like reading, hold no desire for me right now.
Exercise holds no appeal, even though I know I need to do it. And I want to sleep most of the time but when it's time to sleep I can't.
I look at my Bible daily and tell myself I need to pick it up and read it but I feel like I have no idea where to even start looking for answers and healing.

On top of all that it seems like it's just been a bad news/crappy people week. There's the stuff with the sisters ex that happened Friday, well he couldn't handle that I called him a butt on Facebook, so he decided to send texts to me Tuesday night. I had to deal with a stupid kid on Monday, then yesterday I went to the dentist and found out I have a cracked tooth. Along with stupid parents that say or allow others to say hurtful things (like you ruined your mother's life) It's just kinda like, what's going to happen next.

I generally feel like I'm not normally a pessimist (ladies if I'm wrong someone tell me). But even though I know that the sun will shine again I'm having a hard time picturing it.
I feel like I'm wandering in the dark, trying to find my way back, and I'm just not sure how to do that. I don't like this feeling.

a spark of hope left

I just want to get away, to go far away and stay there for awhile.
To sleep, all day, and just rest.

I need a place where I can get back to the one that really loves me.
To the one that even when I walked away was still there. Waiting,
softly calling, hurting when I hurt, and holding on to me when all I
wanted to do was let go.

There are rules in life; those rules are placed in our lives not to
keep us from having fun but to keep us from getting hurt.

Oh how I wish I had used the judgment I'd had exercised most of my
life.

Right now I'm having a hard time now not regretting things. That I put
my trust in someone who I thought aside from that "one thing" was
worthy of my time, my affection, even part of my heart. I thought it
was ok to care. I thought it was safe.
I found out I was wrong. That they didn't allow themselves to see past
their number one...them self.
I know I'm a giver that's just something I know I love, I enjoy, I
want to help people. And when I care about someone I want to do those
things...give, help, take care of, and all that. Even if it includes
my heart. Even if I should have known better. Is love wrong? No, do I
regret that, no. Does it suck? A TON.
And were on round 2 of it, or I should say I'm on round 2. Because
we'd been "seeing" each other again for...maybe about 3 weeks or so now.
(Sorry girls, I didn't say anything because I knew it was wrong but
the heart wants what it wants).
And I pushed God to the side, stopped reading my Bible and such
because I knew that. Some days I was ok or at least thought I was.
Other days I was miserable.

Now I'm miserable but know that I'll be ok.
And I have hope. It's faint right now but it only takes a spark to
light a fire.

I know that I still want to marry some day. And I have hope that it
will happen, I don't think I'll be ready for awhile but wounds that
don't kill you heal in time. This may feel like a kill shot but I’m
still standing, my wound will heal. After all I know a great physician.

Some Kids...

First off let me just state that while I really am trying not to think this way, it just seems like it is going to be one of those weeks.
Know what I mean? Since Friday (and yep that's when it started) and my sister's horrible ex's doing. I hit my hand which still hurts, yep that's not a good sign.
Had an ear ache that night, another one Saturday and when I tilt my head certain ways it gives me a funny feeling.
I have a slight cough, and feel achy as well.

And I have to deal with STUPID people...or should I say Stupid rude teenagers who think they know all.
Now mind you I work with teenagers so I really do love them. And I understand for the most part when one of them is acting out because they need attention or something like that.
But to be rude to an adult that is not allowing you to have your way for a business reason?!
That's pretty crappy.
And then when the adult calls you on your rudeness you get all defensive and start acting like you never said or did anything wrong?! What the heck!

Oh I should mention that this July I'll be on a mission trip with this 18yr old KID and I'll be leadership. So I can't just say what I'd really like to and all that because I have to continue to deal with him. For two weeks...all prayers are appreciated!

But I can call him a little Jerk on here which is exactly what I'm doing. Right or Wrong...because that's exactly the way he was acting.

But yes I think it's going to be one of those weeks. I REALLY hope I'm wrong though!

Life ...

This weekend was the graduation of one of my dear friends who is also just like family.
Seeing her graduate brings to mind all the possibilities that are laid out before her, all the new dreams, all the big plans, all the endless planning for the future.
And with a few more graduations coming in the following weeks it all has me reflecting on where I was "back then" and all the things I wanted to do.

First off let me just say it doesn't seem like 12 years could have possibly gone by already. I don't feel 30 and thankfully (& ok, conceitedly) I don't look thirty :o)
Is this where I thought I'd be? Is this where I planned to be? Nope. Am I ok, yeppers.

So back when I graduated HS I had planned to go to college, study missions, and theology and then be a full time missionary somewhere very interesting. Marry when I was 24 and start having children when I was 26.

Ok, so most of that hasn't happened. I have done some college. I am still active in missions, though it's part time not full time. So...

But I have worked in some amazing places, all over the world. 2 years ago I made my goal of going to almost every Continent...except Antarctica...which I hope to get to eventually but lets face it there aren't a lot of reasons for going there.
I've worked in some orphanages as well, which has given me an amazing desire to adopt children. To provide for kids that have nothing and no one, just fills my heart. It's something that I want to do if I marry or if I don't marry.

As for college I did some regular college then, well, I went to YWAM -Youth With a Mission- when I was 21 . It taught me biblical things, many mission things, great pointers on loving and reaching out to others, and gave me so great friends that are located all over the world these days. It helped me become the person I am today.

And after that I ended up where I currently work both places actually. I may not love my full time job all the time. But I work with some GREAT people. And for a company that has blessed me with the time I need to continue to do missions. And my 2nd job, working with youth. If I hadn't done YWAM I couldn't imagine being able to help them.
Just today I received a graduation invitation from one of my girls, and she told me I'd had a great impact on her life. Which...is the best compliment I think I may have ever gotten. It makes all of it worth it.

And then there is the other aspect of my life,,, the yet to come. I know I want to go back to school...and plan to soon I hope. And follow up with more photography stuff.
I also know I want to help people in a different way than I did 12 yrs ago. Looking into counseling and social work this time.

As for the marriage...well romantically my life hasn't turned out at all like I had planned.
Which sometimes seems a little disappointing, has had it's share of heartbreaks, lost dreams, but its also had some times filled with laughter, love, joy, contentment, great friends, and times of character building. :o)
I still want to get married..of course...and still have hope that one day it will happen.
In fact I know that when the time is right it will happen.

I've had a great 12 years full of living, full of life... not a life I expected but a life I love.
So no matter what your age is I leave this with you, no matter where you are in life, no matter what you are doing...

Make a life, a life you love, filled with people you love, and don't wait to live till the next phase, live now. Right now, no matter where you are in what "you have planned".
After all God's dreams for us are often bigger than our own and don't you think that he knows what's best for you at every stage?

What a douche...

Pretty much all day today its rained. Not just little sprinkles but down pour rain.
Standing water everywhere rain!
Tons, and tons, and tons of rain.

And today when I got home, I parked in the garage, got out to get the mail and when I was on the way back to the house noticed there was a bunch of stuff on the porch. And when I say a bunch of stuff I mean a BUNCH of stuff.

Apparently my sisters ex decided today would be the day he would come drop off all the stuff of hers that he had. Now I can say I don't really understand why he still had it. My GUESS is that she left stuff there when she first moved into the apartment last March. Like I said there was a LOT of stuff and I can't imagine where she would have put it in the apartment.
But to do it TODAY???!!!

What a douche bag! Tons of rain, wet porch, and all that jazz.
To make matters worse, my sister is gone today. And when I came home tonight I was sick. :o(
So the last thing I wanted to do was move all this stuff into the house.
But its supposed to rain more...all weekend in fact.
And its a weekend full of graduation so I didn't know when we would get to it if I didn't do it tonight.

Who does crap like that?! Stupid jerk.
And yes, if I hadn't been sick it wouldn't have been that bad. At least not till I banged my hand on the door bringing some of it in. I'm now at the point where I'm hoping I didn't crack the bone in my knuckle, it's bruised, a bit swollen and very tender. Probably just a deep bruise...nothing unusual there, but CRAP does it hurt.

Anyhow....needed to vent.

Have a great weekend all.

Falling...

I can always tell when spring has arrived, Not just because my allergies start to act up but mostly because my calendar starts to fill up.

My life seems to just get crazier and crazier. And while I enjoy the things I do I often find myself totally exausted. Which CAN NOT be a good thing right?
And here I am single, with no family and I can't seem to catch up.
I can't help but wonder what's going to happen if that ever changes.

And I do wonder these days if that is ever going to change. Now, don't get me wrong I do believe that one day it will, really I do, but I do have times where I wonder if it won't and if I will be ok with that.

And more often then not I find that I'm just not sure. And I find that I'm worried about things lately. Stupid things, things that I shouldn't worry about. Which really I know I shouldn't worry about anything..."For who can add one hour to thier life worrying." Luke 12:25 paraphrased...
But I find myself wondering about children, seeing that my younger sister miscarried once, has a cyst on her uterus currently, knowing that my older sister has been told it will probably be very hard for her to get pregnant, and knowing that I've had cysts on my overies in the past.

Now most of you know I want to adopt but I do want to still have the option. And yes I know it's stupid to worry about these things, but for some crazy reason it's been on my mind lately. And I needed to talk it out (well, write it out) and share.

And I want to be in love, maybe it's this whole turning 30 thing, maybe it's the fact that I really enjoyed that last relationship, but I want that person. There are so many weddings this year (3 in October alone) and the save the dates & invitations are coming in the mail often now, then there are all the babies being born too. And it just seems hard.

I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle and that His timing is perfect in all things. I know that I want to be like Paul in, when he spoke in the following verse.

Philippians 4:12 (New International Version)
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

I want that. No matter what I am in life, guy, no guy, kids, no kids. But it's hard right now.
So instead of being like Paul, I'm going to strive to be like Peter.
Fall down, get up, fall down, get up.
Such the story of Peter's life...he did great...then would stumble. But would always call out to God most often in a simple "HELP!"

So call me Peter for now, till I get to where I can be more like "my idol" Paul.