Sidelined by singleness...

Today Ms. Annie Downs is the guest poster at (in)courage.

Her post is titled What Are You Afarid Of?
Here's the link... What Are You Afarid Of? ....If you have time totally go check it out.
Then Follow Ms. Annie at Annie Blogs ! She is one of my fav people to read via blogs. 
Really!  She's just so fun and upbeat and I just LOVE her!  :)

But today on her (in)courage post it really hit home.

See I've been working on that whole thing she was talking about.

The "I'm not waiting anymore thing"

Now I don't me that I'm not waiting on THAT.... I may have had a few bumps in the road but I'm all for waiting to see who God really has for me. 
I know that one day he's going to bring someone that's just GREAT along. 
And I really look forward to that. 
To all the things we will share together then.
But until that happens I still want to LIVE.

I have to say that like Annie there were many things I didn't do in my 20's that I had really wanted to do.  Because I didn't want to do them alone.

I should take a moment to mention too that I come from a group of girls who out of the 6 of us in High School that hung around together (and still do for the most part) I was one of two that didn't marry shortly after High School. 

And was the ONLY single one.

Which there is nothing wrong with but still...when you are young and scared to do things,  it's hard to just do it. 

But last year I hit the point of being tired...of WAITING!
Now don't get me wrong I've been SUPER fortunate to be able to do a lot of things that most people wouldn't normally do. 
I've hit every contient now with the exception of Antartica (it's on the bucket list) and done a lot of amazing things with some amazing people.

But there are somethings that I want to do...
Things that other people don't need to do with me...like the photography classes I took earlier this year.
Or things that other people aren't interested in doing....like driving the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway for those of you who may not be familiar with the Cali abrevation).
The current plan is to do this in December...alone.  :)  And I'm excited. 

When I told my mom last year that, that was what I wanted to do, she asked who was going with me.
When I told her no one she wasn't particularly happy. 
But I looked at her and told her, with most of my friends being married, having kids, not having the money or time...there wasn't anyone to go with me. 
She thought I should wait. 
I told her that I'm not going to wait to do the things that I want to do anymore. 
To be sidelined because of being single. 

I let her know that I can't keep waiting to be married to do things that I long to do.
God gives us desires to do things.
And I think God wants us to have fun.
And I think there are GREAT things that come from doing things ALONE. 

Because in truth we are NEVER alone!
God is always with us. 

Now I'm not saying I think we should do things that are stupid. We shouldn't do that just expecting God to protect us. 
But like I said I do think God wants us to challenge ourselves. 
I think that challenges often make us grow and learn things. 

Things about ourselves that we may not learn with others. 

And I'm looking forward to adventures.

Like next month...I'll be headed to Peru on  a mission trip.

Once our group gets a break from ministry (for 3 of the 17 days) I'm going to head to Machu Pichu for 3 days.

ALONE

I hadn't intended to do it alone but the person that was originally suppose to go with me backed out.

And I couldn't imagine passing up the chance to see and experience that part of the area just because it would just be me. (Now I am totally doing a tour thing...which I might not do if more of us were going but to me this is a safer thing to do).  At first I was afarid but as time passes I'm getting excited.  Really looking forward to some alone time to process things after the work phase of the trip. Something that I think I'll really need.

So...don't let fear or singleness keep you from doing the things that you've wanted to do. 
Go out and live this life as a great adventure. 
You never know who God will bring across your path in that situation. 
And you never know what you will learn. 
You may just stumble upon who you really are and a new area of your heart. 

But either way you'll probably have a BLAST!

So I quit...

So I quit...

Yep it's time. Beyond time in some cases. But this time I decided I'm done on two things.

One is youth.

No I don't mean the whole staying young and healthy thing.

I've been doing youth for about 10 years now with a little break in between for a moment when I switch churches and then started doing the young adult classes. 

Other than that there was maybe a year I wasn't doing it.

I have always loved it.

I love the kids.

Getting to speak into their lives.

Interact with them.

And honestly just show them someone loves and cares about them.

But honestly these days I'm tired.

The youth group has shrunk and the new youth pastor is at times difficult.

Don't get me wrong he's a nice guy.  But he's very disorganized both on paper and in teaching styles.

I had been ready to go right before this guy came but didn't want to leave the kiddos in the transition time.

But it's been over a year now n

And I'm ready to leave.

Plus I'm trying to get fully plugged into the new church.

Its hard todo that while I feel liked still have to attend the old one.

Plus take into consideration that I feel as though no one in the church really cares if I'm there.

I know that sounds so poor me-ish right?

That's not the intent though. It's just that I can miss over 4weeks of  church and no one ever says anything.

They don't worry where I am. I've even "spoken" to some on Facebook and get no responses. It's just well odd. I don't know.

But today I wrote my letter of resignation and will give it to them next week.   next Wednesday will be my last youth service.

It's actually very freeing.  I'm hopeful for the things that God has in store now.  :)

The other thing I quit today was the boy I mentioned a few posts back.

Or at least quit caring about him romantically.

The one I thought there was potential with, that's done.

 I've decided I'm not going to care about him any more, at least not for anything more than a friend.

See I found out 2weeks ago that he was dating 3 other girls at the same time. And not that there's anything wrong with that for most people, but honestly I'm looking for more.

Especially from a Christian guy.

I deserve someone really taking the time to get to know me and I don't think that's possible when you're doing that. At least not with me.

I know I have my issues. And while I know I'm working through them. I also know I'm not willing to put my heart on the line for someone who isn't willing to risk anything.

Bad thing (or good really depending on perspective) is that I HAVE to put up with him till the end of July.

See he's going on the mission trip to Peru with me.

Yep.

Totally.

A little over two weeks with the guy on a mission field.

One where I'll be leadership. And where it's his first mission trip.

So there's the added incentive to be nice and try for friendship right there.

And since I can't see him liked would like I'm choosing to not see him in that way at all.

Because the last thing I want is for resentment to grow in there and the trip to be awkward.

So that's what I figure now's the time to quit.

Life sometimes get away from you...

Ok maybe not life exactly. But blogging certainly has gotten away from me in the past few months. But after posting last week I realized just how much I've missed it. So I'm going to try to do better about posting. I'm not 100% sure how it will go since things are so busy but I'm going to try. So first let me catch you up on a few things. First let me say in doing ok. Something's I'm about to tell you may make you wonder but I promise I am ok and I will be ok. The last month or so has been hard. Things with the boy I mentioned a while ago have changed. I found out a few weeks into things that he was/is seeing three other girls. Kissing one of them (not me) as well. Which I'm not really ok with. Maybe that's how things work with others but with me well, I'm not a fan. I know we had said we would take things slow and it wasn't serious but if you specifically ask for no games to be played and you talk about a range of serious stuff don't you think that's something you should let the other person know? I mean come on 4 girls total. Wow. Who even has time for that. Did I mention too that this guy is going to Peru with me in July. On a mission trip. His first mission trip. And I'm leadership on the trip as well? I'm not going to lie that has put things in a spot where I would normally just call the whole thing off, delete his number and move on. So I'm working all of that out as well. It's Crazyness that's for sure. And that's all I have in me for now. I promise to write more soon...

Contraception & Insurance Companies

So if you have been reading my blog for any amount of time or have gone back and read any of my older posts most of you know that I have struggled for almost 2 years now with "female problems".

Female problems that have gone essentially undiagnosed.
Female problems that had me bleeding 20 (or more) days of the month
Female problems that caused severe pain
Female problems that caused discomfort, kind of like some one stabbing my abdomen.
Female problems that caused hormone imbalances and mood swings
Female problems that caused my skin to break out again like I was a teenager
Among other things...

And that these "issues" have had me in and out of the doctors office more often that I care to admit.
As my Gynecologist said at the beginning of the year..."I see you more than I see most of my patients that are having a baby".
And I know that I've had more ultra sounds than most pregnant women...even though I've never been pregnant. Which honestly isn't something I'm particularly lovin'

You also know if you've been reading my blog that I am a Christian. 
That I strive to live the way the Bible maps out for us. 
Loving others, doing good, having faith and all of that. 

Today I want to touch on this subject, the one about insurance companies not covering Birth Control. And friend and former youth of mine (who is also a pastor's daughter posted this blog last night)
Esoterically Inclined ....Contraception Inception
Touching on the subject that has been in the news recently...about Birth Control not being covered by Insurance Companies because of religious reasons.


Here's why I want to discuss...

It's because there's one thing you probably don't know... I have an IUD. 
Not because I'm sexually active.  I'm not. 
I wasn't when it was placed either. 
But for someone who was have 20 day periods something had to be done. 
I didn't like the idea of the pill, because one I'm not super good at taking things and two because I've got some cancer in my family history.
That and the fact that most are estrogen based. Almost everything thing that I've read had lead me to believe that more estrogen isn't really good for Endometriosis. 
And while my doctor did not know but was suspecting that my problem was Adenomyosis. 
Also known as Endometriosis of the Uterus.  (& the only thing to "cure" it is a hysterectomy though Some studies have shown that there is a relationship between Adenomyosis and hormone imbalance, most commonly an excess of estrogen. Progesterone therapy, either in the natural or synthetic form has been known to help, but shows very little long term benefits.)

As you can guess I didn't want to add to the problem with typical birth control. 
Plus I wanted something that would allow me to still have a period.  Even if it was a shorter one. 
So I could still somewhat monitor what was going on with everything. 
(What can I say I'm not a let's cover up all symptoms kind of girl with not knowing exactly what it is)
And we had already done a diagnostic laparoscopy to see what we could find out inside. 
So the IUD was our reasonable conclusion to help sort at least some of the problem I was having or at least that was the hope that we had with it. 
The doctor's office had checked with my insurance company to see what the cost would be. 
They told them it would be covered however 2 months later (after it was placed) we found that it was not, and I received a bill for $900. 
Honestly, I don't  know if I would have had it placed if I had been told it would cost that much.  Yet at the same time I may have since I was so tired of (at the time over 6 months) of all the "issues" I was having. 
But I do know this there have been times I wanted to take it out yet because of the cost involved don't really consider that a valid option. 
Because there's no guarantee that the next thing we try won't be just as expensive since any type of birth control isn't covered by insurance (unless you've met your deductible- which I have only ever once done since aside from this I usually am only at the doctor once a year, aside from "well visits").

But here's the thing.  I don't need birth control for sexual reasons.  I'm not using it to prevent pregnancy,  I'm using it for a legitimate health reason. 
And I think it should be covered by insurance.  As one who aside from these last  2 years have hardly used my insurance for ANYTHING at all, I now had to pay $900 out of pocket for something to help me be able to LIVE my life. 
You might think that sounds dramatic but I assure you.  When you have super painful periods, cysts that pop regularly though out the month, and bleed 20 out of 30 days (which causes fatigue) along with other symptoms it really does inhibit you being able to really live your life. 

I do understand Christian companies not wanting to pay for abortions and for people to be "promiscuous" - I will not get into the whole, it's not their place to judge but to love aspect of things. Or the many other list of reasons (see the link to Sarah's blog above for more of that if you like) but at the same time, what about me or those like me who need it for HEALTH reasons?
And after all, an insurance company should be there to provide a service for me, one that I have PAID into over and above what they have paid for in services for me.  (I've had insurance on my own for over 10years and can't tell you how much I've paid monthly for it but it's a TON!)

Wouldn't you agree? 
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this subject regardless of what they are ...good or bad.

Unsure...

So, I started dating someone 3 weeks ago.
Really nice guy, LOTS of potential. 
I didn't say anything on here because well...when it comes to relationships of this nature I find them deeply personal.
Which is just how I am.
I often don't tell my family about them and more often than not, things are over before anyone gets to meet anyone else.
I know...that's probably not a good thing right?
But it's almost always how I've been. 
I have no real reason behind why I've been this way it's just me I guess.

I'm trying with this one though to kind of do things differently.
I've told my parents about him (which is almost a first).
And my sisters.
Even friends.

Which is a good step for me.

But I'll be honest.
I'm having a hard time with everything.
I want to like him but there is a big element of fear there in doing so.

I'm afarid I'm going to get hurt (AGAIN)
And I don't want to get hurt again.

So I'm trying to just pray through all of this.

Will you pray with me?
I'm asking specifically for peace. 
That no matter what I will allow God to give me his peace in this situation.
That His will, will be the guiding force behind all my thoughts, moves, motivies or whatever in this.

thanks.

So Proud...

Finally!
The day arrived Saturday.
The day I have been training for since last December!

On Saturday March 31, 2012 I ran my first HALF MARATHON.

I finished almost exactly where I thought I would.

Just over 2 hours 44 minutes (sorry I can't seem to remember the seconds count)

And I'm so happy I did it.

It's Monday and I'm still sore, but I did it.

I was super nervous.  Especially on Friday.
But Saturday morning at 8am I hit the pavement and ran. 
The longest I have ever run with out stopping. 
I made it a little over 11 miles before I stopped to walk.

And learned that next time I won't stop then (trust me for me it's easier not to stop).

And aside from my calves cramping at 12.5 miles all went pretty well. 
I'm sure anyone who was close behind me when that happened got quite the show...
I know it had to look hilarious! 
Seriously, the way my feet were contorting, it just had to be quite the site. 
But I didn't cry when it happened....even though I wanted to.  Even though I was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to keep going.
I stopped, got some water, stretched them out and started back again. 

And shortly there after I crossed the finish line!

Tired, worn out, sweaty but oh so proud of this accomplishment. 

Maybe a marathon will be next...I don't know. 
But I'm one happy girl!

at the end of the race after crossing the finish line!

I'm frustrated

Right now, this very moment I'm frustrated.

Not with a person but with my body.

My heath.

See I'm training for this half marathon. 

I'm so close to the date of the run...March 31st. 

Today, March 19th I need to go and run my 11 miles. 

But I feel horrible. 

My back is just throbbing, my stomach is cramping and I kinda feel like I want to vomit.

Not real conductive for running 11miles.

I just want to sit down and cry.

I've even taken my 4 (800mg) of Ibuprophen.  And still hurt like this.

I'm frustrated now that my body doesn't seem to want to let me do what I want to do.

I just want some answers.

And to be healed.

It's been 2 years now since the problem started and we still don't know what it is.
The pain seems to be getting worse.

Yes I'm switching doctors.
I think this one is done.
She thinks she's tried everything and basically thinks we won't know unless we do a hystromecty.
And neither of us is willing to do that yet.

And she doesn't want to look at some of the things I want to look at. 

So....

I'm getting refered to a Gastro Intestinologist, even though I don't think that we will find anything there.  You never kow though.

And once I get that referal I'm calling a few other doctors to get a 3rd and 4th opinion. 
Someone out there has to be able to help right?

Right?

*** Side note***
I do believe God can and will heal me.
I'm claiming it every day with every pain moment.
I just have to wait for his timing.
And I do believe he has a reason for all of this.
One day hopefully I'll know what that is.