Pastor Said it best...

OK, so I'll be honest, I've had a really hard time finding the words to put the post on the Women's Encounter together. 
I FEEL so much on it, learned a TON, LOVED almost every minute of it.  But talking about it....that's really hard.
It's almost like I just don't know what to say.
Or how to say what I want to say.
It's been odd.  Because most of the time that's not an issue for me. 

Saturday night at church though we had what is best described as a move of God in our service, where we could really feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. 

And our Pastor Said at the end. 
Don't try to explain what happened in human terms,  Sometimes things happen that are of God and because they are of God there is no way to put it in human terms with out humanizing it.  And when we humanize it we often lessen what actually happened. 
(mind you I'm paraphrasing because I didn't get exactly what was said all down but it was something like that).

And largely I think that was what happened at the Women's Encounter, for me.  In me. 
See I've long since struggled with love.
Not loving others really.  I think that for the most part I can allow myself to totally love others. 
I'm just way more critical of allowing others to love me.
And more certainly of accepting the love that God has for me and the way he sees me.

I know with out a shadow of a doubt that he died for me. 
And deep down I know that he loves me.
But it's really the level of love that he loves me with that I have a hard time with.
And the forgiveness aspect.
I know he forgives me.  And I accept his forgiveness.
But forgiving myself.
Yeah, not so much. 
That's a really tough one for me.
REALLY REALLY tough. 
And I'm working on it.

Even though it's hard and I still mess up.  I'm working on it.
And I'll be honest, I feel much more peaceful these days.
Which is nice.
And I've ordered the book that the forgiveness teaching was done with.  I'm really looking forward to that. 

One of the other main things that I learned is this. 
We can either be a thermometer or a thermostat.
Meaning we can either reflect the atmosphere we are in or we can change it.
And I want to change it.
So even if someone else is in a bad mood, having a bad day, complaining or anything like that I CAN choose to not reflect that.  But instead help affect that "temperature" in the room. 
I want to be a positive influence on all. 
No matter where I am.
Home, Church, Work...heck even Walmart...because we all know in those daily little places and things, we can get most stressed and all that.  And that's where I can make the most difference. 
I think this applies to me too, in the area above as well. 
I can choose to love and accept myself, (not that I want to stay where I am in my perfections) I can choose to set the tone for the way I feel about myself and put a stop to all of this negativity I see in myself and change that as well.

So, Even though it's hard to put into words know that I had a GREAT time at the Women's Encounter. 
And I did infact make some new friends too....because you knew I was worried about that as well.

24 (or more likly 30) Days of Thanksgiving

(courtesy of Google Images)

I'll have that post about the Encounter soon. 
But before we get to far into the month I wanted to share what I'm doing with all of you. 
Maybe you've heard about it and maybe you're not. 
But here's the deal.
Many people are taking the days of November through now and Thanksgiving and listing one thing they are thankful for. 
Most are doing it via Facebook (which is how I'm doing it)  but I think even if we all did it on our own it would be a good thing.
So here's what we do (Oh yes I'm counting you to be in already)

Daily just tell, list or remind yourself of ONE THING you are thankful for.

That's all you have to do.  Now through Thanksgiving Day - though maybe you'll be like me and do it all month. 
It doesn't have to be  a BIG thing you are thankful for. 
For me TODAY'S was COFFEE. 
Because I'm really thankful for coffee this morning.  And really when I get down to it find it to be a blessing.  Is that silly, maybe but I think that God is ok with our delighting in the little things. 

Here was yesterday's as well though too in case you want to go into it more. 
YESTREDAY: I'm thankful most of all for a God who loves me enough to save me.
Loves me beyond my understanding and does it even when I don't think I'm love able myself.

I thought it was a good thing to start it all off with. Plus with the Encounter Experience it really fits in and hits home for me. 
So join me...let's all think of one thing (and share it) daily. 
Who knows we may rub off on someone else who really needs it. 
And we may create a habit of thankfulness in our own lives that extends far beyond the month of November. 

Something...

I know it's been a while since I posted something. 
I'm having a hard time gathering my thoughts lately. 
Not 100% sure why, maybe it's the weather, knowing that it will change soon.
And that the time will change soon.
Which means darkness will be around a lot more. 
Or it could be that things are getting busy.
The fall seems to mean photo season.
Everyone wants them for their Christmas Cards. 
So I've had my last free weekend on the 15th (not knowing it was the last free one)
Until after Thanksgiving.
Meaning that I'm working those weekends, and more than one of them working both days.

I don't even want to think of Christmas.
It's going to be crazy.
But I know God has a plan. 
And it will all work out as it should. 

And I promise, I'll write about the Women's Encounter soon. 
It was GREAT though!  Loved it!
God knew all along that I needed to be there. 

Sometimes it's the little things

This weekend is our Women's Encounter. 
That's what most would call a Women's retreat.  But since we aren't all about relaxing and more about learning we call it the encounter.  At least that's my understanding as to why we call it that. 
This is my first one. 
Since this is the one with the new church. 
The Saturday night church.
I signed up waaaaaaayyyyyy back in March to go. 
Back when another girl I'd known for a while was going too. 
She's not going now. 
And while I'm looking forward to the weekend and learning and all that I'm very
very
nervous.

See I don't really know the women at this church. 
I know of them but I don't know them.

I used to work with the lead singer on the worship team and I know she'll be there but even in the 9+ months of my going to this church regularly almost every Saturday night, she and I just haven't reconnected.
And with out meaning to sound judgmental I honestly don't think she wants too.
That's just the vibe I get from her.

So I'm going.  Friday afternoon.  To a weekend full of ladies that I don't know.
And part of me is scared to death.
It's the whole thing of what if no one talks to me?
(No I don't think that will really happen)
What if no one wants to sit by me at dinner (breakfast or lunch)?
(No I don't think that will really happen either)
What if, what if, what if....
The list really could keep going. 

I'm not even taking my car.  The small group leader for my group called last night and we are car pooling so no matter how things turn out in things I'm stuck there.
Which don't get me wrong, may be for the best since I don't have to worry about my ability to "run away" should things get rough. 

I know deep down it's all going to be ok.
But sometimes it's the little things that scare the crap out of me.

Trying to catch up

I feel like it's been forever since I've gotten on to post anything.
Life has been crazy.
It's been a good crazy but crazier than normal.
One photo shoot a week plus the regular job and youth work
Add in the youth work, Saturday night church, Sunday morning church and workouts and I have a hard time just finding any time at all.

Not that I'm complaining. I'm not. I'm enjoying life a lot right now.
It's good, I'm happy, and doing what I can to stay at peace.

I'm starting the "what women fear" book with a friend and co-worker.
And am really looking forward to all of that.

I'm getting back into my workout routine and am feeling ok for the most part.
Just a few setbacks here and there that I'm hopeful will work themselves out.

But it's also a time of changes too.
I can feel them coming again.
And there's so much I just don't know about.
What to do, How to react, what's the answer or what's the next step.
I just don't know.

So I'm trying to wait.
To seek,
To trust
And listen for that still, small voice.
Allowing it not feelings or emotions to lead me

Hopefully soon I'll write more about exactly what's going on.

What We (well, actually ME) Fear.

They have asked us to blog on what we fear over at Incourage, to kind of tie in with Angie Smith's new book "What Women Fear".  (the post is here ).  I'm really looking forward to reading this book, to learn some things, and hopefully find some grace in it. 

I don't fear death (really-honestly I'm not affarid to die), or going to places like Afganastan or somehting like that.  There's a part of me that longs for both of those things.

One thing I struggle in Fear in my life kinda boils down to wanting things. 

It can be a varity of things, wheather it is a new job, growth in my current job, growth in my personal endevors (like my photography), firendships, or even in meeting someone and settling down. 

I fear those things and often don't even realize that I'm doing it.   

I know that there is a part of me in those that feels like I'm not good enough,  not capable, or loved. 
The devil ceratinaly plays up on those things. 

Be it a tiff with a friend, a promotion of someone else, some one prefering the work of another, or even when it comes down to guys, their lack of attention (in the long run). 

I often think to myself why would they want me. 

Which yes I know is crazy. 
But they are often the thoughts that still run through my head. 
Right or Wrong.

I do know that I must take these thoughts captive and reafferm that they are indeed lies.

Somedays though that is easier than other days. 

Somedays all I want is to be loved and affirmed. 

For someone to say I really am worth the effort because most days I feel like I'm very not worth is. 

So that's my fear, and here's to letting go of all of that and embracing the truth of what God says about me.

Psalm 139:14
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Jeremiah 31:3
The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying: “ Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.

I’ve been there…

Forgive me…it took a little longer than expected to get this post up.

 



Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of 9/11/2001.

A day that most of us know exactly where we were and what we were doing. That day was a hard day for most of us. A shocking day where what we as American’s, who probably mostly thought we were untouchable, were touched, or more accurately punched in the stomach.

Yesterday the events of that day were broadcast everywhere. On TV, the Radio, Facebook, churches. I don’t think there was really a place that it wasn’t mentioned. You couldn’t avoid it unless you stayed home and didn’t turn anything on. And even then if you knew what date it was I don’t think you’d have been spared the memories.

Yesterday in church our pastor read Acts 11:1-3
1 The apostles and the believers throughout Judea heard that the Gentiles also had received the word of God. 2 So when Peter went up to Jerusalem, the circumcised believers criticized him 3 and said, “You went into the house of uncircumcised men and ate with them.”

He talked about how the Jews had issue with Peter taking the gospel to the Gentiles.

Our pastor then said what if that was you right after 9/11/01? What if you were called to go to a Muslim nation? What would people say, what would your family think, what would you do?

Well, guess what….
That was me.

10years ago when the planes hit the twin towers, when one hit the pentagon and one landed in a field in Pennsylvania, I was sitting in a classroom in Elm Springs Arkansas at the YWAM base there. (YWAM is youth for a mission in case you weren’t familiar with the acronym). I was in my 9th month at the base, and we were just 2 months shy of going on outreach.

And we were going to TURKEY

Turkey (at least at the time) was 98.9% Muslim.

Yep, I’m sure you know that most people didn’t react favorably to our going. I was 21 at the time, so I remember calling home and talking to my mom about it. I know she was worried. But we had prayed about where to go since we had been in this school and we had felt as though we had clear direction on where God wanted us to be for outreach and that was there.

In Turkey.

Where it is a Muslim country.

Thankfully my family understood. Thankfully I come from a Christian home where they knew God’s will would be done and if that was in keeping me safe so be it and if it was not then so be it as well. They knew where I was going and they trusted Him as well.

I’ll be honest, I’m stubborn. Very, very stubborn. So there would probably have been little that they could have done even if they opposed.

I know there was opposition from others at the base. People that told us the very next day, in a prayer meeting, that we shouldn’t go. People that I wanted to smack in some ways because I choose and had chosen to believe that God was bigger than all that. And that he had a plan in sending us there.

And He did… we had a fruitful trip, filled with many divine appointments. Salvation and things that I’m sure just wouldn’t have happened had God not gone before us. I know still to this day that He called us there. And that it was all part of His plan, for us and for that nation.

So my encouragement to you is to keep going no matter the circumstances of what’s going on around you. If you feel that God is calling you to do something and go somewhere trust His plan.
If He is going with you and before you, you’re in the best place to be.
Regardless of what others think.


PS- it was all I could do while sitting in church to not raise my hand and be all like I did that- I LIVED that! :o) But I refrained.


Oh and God also took us to NY in an unscheduled way as well.   We were there ministering near Ground Zero on October 11, 2011 - prayer booths and all that kind of thing.  It's the last time I was in NY actually.  And my heart still longs to go back there to see how it is now that the building is no longer smoking, and the dust is cleaned away and the people are no longer wearing gas masks.  Hopefully someday God will call me back there.