I'm addicted ...

So, first off I want to say I've totally lost my "want to back out" feeling for the up coming trip.
I'm looking forward to it now. however we are having some issues with our domestic flight and we are very unflexable with what we can get for our flight to and from FL since I have to lead the flight there and back with one other lady. So please, please, please keep it in your prayers.


Alright on to the addictions. :o)
I'm currently addicted to wedding dress shows.
Be it TLCs "Say Yes to the Dress", or some other show I just love these things right now.
I even "found my dress", it is georgus, however I went to see it on the show I DVRed and it's not there anymore :o( sometimes I REALLY hate the DVR!!!
But hopefully I'll catch it again on a rerun.

I wonder though if these wedding dress shows are really good for me.
Take tonight for example. I'm watching one now as I'm typing this, and enjoy it.
But I also feel a little lonely tonight and can't help but wonder, is it good to see all these women planning their wedding when that's what I'm looking for myself?

Isn't this some kind of torture? Am I stupid for watching this? It seems like torture at times, like tonight when I feel lonely but at the same time it's like I just can't look away.

I guess I keep looking for my happy ending. One day I know I'll find it.

JJ Heller - All I Need

This is such a good song, and no true. No matter what I think or feel He really is all I need.

Lyrics to All I Need :
Don’t need a thing
My good Shepherd brings me all
You are all I need

You let me catch my breath
Even in the valley of death
You are all I need

All I need to be complete
Is Your love
Your blood that covers me

You lift up my head
You provide the wine and bread
You, You are all I need

There’s no need to fear
Even with my enemies here
You are all I need

All I need to be complete
Is Your love
Your blood that covers me

Goodness and mercy are following me
You’re all that I need
You make a home for me
Where pastures are green as far as I see
You are all I need

All I need to be complete
Is Your love
Your blood that covers me

Back Out?

I've never backed out of a mission trip before.
Not even after 9/11 when we were about 6 weeks away from heading to Turkey, a 99.9% Muslim country.
A place where people in YWAM (that a missionary sending organization) were telling us that we shouldn't go. But still I didn't back out, didn't want to back out. In fact it just made me want to go that much more.

This year I'm supposed to go to the Dominican Republic/Haiti. In fact I'm supposed to go in 5weeks. Right now I'm $400 short of what I need for the trip. Minus my ticket for FL- that's not factored into that amount. So I'd add probably another $200 to that $400.
That's something that rarely happens as well. Usually all the money is in well before the deadline.

Now, right now, I'm at the point where if I were to back out I'd lose all the $$ for the plane ticket. Which wouldn't be good.
But right now I'm also questioning my going. I'm tired these days and highly irritable. Things that aren't really good for a mission trip.
Now, don't get me wrong a part of me VERY much wants to go. After all it's the Haiti part that is really calling my name. I want to go there. To help in the medical clinics, to see the devastation, to help people. The people are what's drawing me there.
But something also tells me if I go this is going to be a very hard trip. Not only because it is one of the most packed schedules we have had in a long time....in the span of 2 weeks we will: Build a house, do medical clinics, drama outreach, a sports clinic, and spend at least 3 days in Haiti.
But the group we are going with is going to be a lot of teenage couples.
I'm just not sure I really want to be around that. Which is totally crazy right? After all I'm around my kids every Wednesday and we have couples in the youth group. We have rules set up in the youth group for PDA as well as on the mission team. In fact the mission team may have more rules then what we have for the youth group, which is really saying something.
So it shouldn't be a factor right? It's stupid to worry about it right?
But with everything I've been dealing with lately that's something I think is going to be hard for me.
Seeing all those "kids" with someone. And here I am 30 and alone. I know that sounds poor pitiful me-ish. In fact I'm sure that's what it is but I still kinda feel that way.
And I know deep down that more than likely most of these couples won't stay together forever but still. Sometimes it seems like one's singleness is rubbed in their nose.

So 5weeks...I have 5weeks to get my outlook changed on this. And about 2weeks to get $600 in for this trip.

Because as much as a part of me wants to back out, a bigger part of me wants to go.

I felt the Earth move...

No, not THAT way...

Literally!

We had another earthquake here in northwest Arkansas last night. 7:01pm I was napping on the couch and the earth shook and woke me up. :) It sounded like someone hit the garage door with a car and it shook the house. It was only a 2.6. But I am so excited! Silly? Yes! Crazy? You bet ya! But we had one in April that was a 2.5 and I was so disappointed that I didn't get to feel it. But I felt this one.

I know it's crazy that an earthquake made me feel better about everything that's going on but in some crazy way it did. And while I know that there are going to be more tough days ahead I know deep down everything is going to be alright.

I'm just a little shaken for now. :o)

Who turned out the light?

*things are kinda raw for me right now, so this post may seem a little off to some and for that I'm kinda sorry, but I needed to try to "talk" my thoughts out on this one and put it somewhere I could look at it again.

I'm not sure how to put this, because while I know that what I'm going through in the grand scheme of things honestly isn't anything in comparison to what some people go through; i.e. cancer, loss of a family member, divorcing parents or anything like that, things still just kinda suck right now.

And I feel lost. Out of sorts in things. I'm not sure what to do, where to go, who to turn to.
The people that I would most often turn to...I can't. Which really should be phrased as I won't I suppose. Because it's not that the door is closed to me, but I don't want them to know the why behind the suffering. Because then they would know my shame.

Now, some of you know what the whole deal behind that is, others don't but I hesitate to put it on here for the fact that you never know who or when someone would stumble on here. And I have kids I wouldn't want to know the story (youth kids not my own children...I don't have those.)

Now mind you, I know that God forgives, I really, really do. And I believe it. But I'm having a hard time owning it this time. Last time I did ok with it. This time, I don't know, it's just odd. I don't really want to talk about what happened or what I'm feeling. But I don't want to be alone yet at the same time I don't really want to be around most people.
Hobbies that I used to enjoy, like reading, hold no desire for me right now.
Exercise holds no appeal, even though I know I need to do it. And I want to sleep most of the time but when it's time to sleep I can't.
I look at my Bible daily and tell myself I need to pick it up and read it but I feel like I have no idea where to even start looking for answers and healing.

On top of all that it seems like it's just been a bad news/crappy people week. There's the stuff with the sisters ex that happened Friday, well he couldn't handle that I called him a butt on Facebook, so he decided to send texts to me Tuesday night. I had to deal with a stupid kid on Monday, then yesterday I went to the dentist and found out I have a cracked tooth. Along with stupid parents that say or allow others to say hurtful things (like you ruined your mother's life) It's just kinda like, what's going to happen next.

I generally feel like I'm not normally a pessimist (ladies if I'm wrong someone tell me). But even though I know that the sun will shine again I'm having a hard time picturing it.
I feel like I'm wandering in the dark, trying to find my way back, and I'm just not sure how to do that. I don't like this feeling.

a spark of hope left

I just want to get away, to go far away and stay there for awhile.
To sleep, all day, and just rest.

I need a place where I can get back to the one that really loves me.
To the one that even when I walked away was still there. Waiting,
softly calling, hurting when I hurt, and holding on to me when all I
wanted to do was let go.

There are rules in life; those rules are placed in our lives not to
keep us from having fun but to keep us from getting hurt.

Oh how I wish I had used the judgment I'd had exercised most of my
life.

Right now I'm having a hard time now not regretting things. That I put
my trust in someone who I thought aside from that "one thing" was
worthy of my time, my affection, even part of my heart. I thought it
was ok to care. I thought it was safe.
I found out I was wrong. That they didn't allow themselves to see past
their number one...them self.
I know I'm a giver that's just something I know I love, I enjoy, I
want to help people. And when I care about someone I want to do those
things...give, help, take care of, and all that. Even if it includes
my heart. Even if I should have known better. Is love wrong? No, do I
regret that, no. Does it suck? A TON.
And were on round 2 of it, or I should say I'm on round 2. Because
we'd been "seeing" each other again for...maybe about 3 weeks or so now.
(Sorry girls, I didn't say anything because I knew it was wrong but
the heart wants what it wants).
And I pushed God to the side, stopped reading my Bible and such
because I knew that. Some days I was ok or at least thought I was.
Other days I was miserable.

Now I'm miserable but know that I'll be ok.
And I have hope. It's faint right now but it only takes a spark to
light a fire.

I know that I still want to marry some day. And I have hope that it
will happen, I don't think I'll be ready for awhile but wounds that
don't kill you heal in time. This may feel like a kill shot but I’m
still standing, my wound will heal. After all I know a great physician.

Some Kids...

First off let me just state that while I really am trying not to think this way, it just seems like it is going to be one of those weeks.
Know what I mean? Since Friday (and yep that's when it started) and my sister's horrible ex's doing. I hit my hand which still hurts, yep that's not a good sign.
Had an ear ache that night, another one Saturday and when I tilt my head certain ways it gives me a funny feeling.
I have a slight cough, and feel achy as well.

And I have to deal with STUPID people...or should I say Stupid rude teenagers who think they know all.
Now mind you I work with teenagers so I really do love them. And I understand for the most part when one of them is acting out because they need attention or something like that.
But to be rude to an adult that is not allowing you to have your way for a business reason?!
That's pretty crappy.
And then when the adult calls you on your rudeness you get all defensive and start acting like you never said or did anything wrong?! What the heck!

Oh I should mention that this July I'll be on a mission trip with this 18yr old KID and I'll be leadership. So I can't just say what I'd really like to and all that because I have to continue to deal with him. For two weeks...all prayers are appreciated!

But I can call him a little Jerk on here which is exactly what I'm doing. Right or Wrong...because that's exactly the way he was acting.

But yes I think it's going to be one of those weeks. I REALLY hope I'm wrong though!