Single Revelations

Stuff Christians Like- Singles Post

2012-02-09T16:29:00.000-06:00

John Acuff over at Stuff Christians Like wrote a post on Surviving Church as a Single.

Now he is a pretty funny guy.

He's written a lot of funny stuff over the years. Lots of stuff I've enjoyed.

And he's done it again with a very funny very true post.

This time in honor of Valentine's Day for all of us Single people out there.

Because I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day.

Nor have I ever been.

Even the one or two years that I did have someone that I was romantically seeing.

I didn't like it.

Why?

Because I think there are too many people out there that are single, or separated or in relationships that aren't working.

As well the fact that I'm pro - "I love you everyday"- not just need to express it in extremes on a day that society has picked for us.

Or maybe it's because I like to "show" love randomly (and have it shown randomly as well), through out the year. It seems to mean more to me than HOLIDAY LOVE.

Whatever the reason is for not really caring for Valentine's Day or even if you do like it...

CLICK HERE

It's good for a laugh either way :)

I can only imagine...

2012-01-30T20:58:00.000-06:00

Now let me just say I do think "I can only imagine" is a great song.
Really I do.
But tonight the guy on the radio was talking about having a discussion with a group of HS kids on what heaven will be like and it hit me...
Does it matter?
I mean don't get me wrong. I think heaven will be great, totally awesome infact. But I also think we won't have a clue on what it's really all about till we get there.
And I don't really think that it's something we need to be concerned with.
I think we need to be about our Father's business while we are here.
Doing the things that need to be done.
Living in a way that leads others to him.

After all I don't know about you but I have enough to focus on in the here and now.
And I trust that whatever heaven is like it will be more than we can really imagine and all that we hope and dream of.
After all we will be there with our Lord.
What could be better than that?

What a week...

2012-01-27T08:15:00.000-06:00

Wow, when I look at this week and everything that went on it's slightly overwhelming.

Monday was the biopsy day and I'm very thankful to report that it came back clear.
All is well on that end at least for now, and I'm still resolved to no tanning.

Tuesday -morning weight class, work and the start of my classes.
Digital Photograpy is Tuesdays 6-9 pm.

Wednesday's normal- work all day, youth at night. Though next week it will include a 5am spin class.

Thursdays-weight class again, work all day and then the start of my other class. Basic Photoshop 6-9pm as well.

Friday- work, hopefully go for a run and then our night of worship at church.

Saturday- Run (at least 6miles), go shopping with my good friend Tiff to finish getting what we need for our trip next week, then church at 6pm. Possibly dinner in there as well with my sister and the kiddos.

It's been a very long exausting week.
And things won't slow again for at least a month.
Possibly longer than that really if I sign up for more classes.

On a good note though, I'm REALLY enjoying these classes.
Learning a lot and looking forward to putting everything into pratice.

Never Tanning Again....

2012-01-23T10:35:00.000-06:00

So a week ago Friday I went tanning...

Not a first for me. And I certainly didn't think as I laid down to get some rays, that it would be my last time tanning in a tanning bed.

However, unless something dratically changes in my mind that is what it was.

See I got SUPER burnt that Friday.
Probably the most burnt I've ever been, or at least that I remember being.
And coming from a girl who as been white her WHOLE life and is a natural Red Head, that's really saying something.

I was so sore Friday night, and the following few days that sitting, sleeping, walking and all that was really hard to do. I was still red 5 days later, and only really started to peel Thursday.
I'm still peeling now (super attractive right! One good thing about being single currently. And I will say I am SUPER BLESSED that I covered my face that day), still itching over a week later.

And today I went to the dermatologist because with the hormones being out of wack, I wanted to see if we could do something about the skin that seems to be breaking out.
After we discussed that she asked if I had any moles or anything she needed to check, and I had one that had seemed to pop up on my thigh a few months back. One that hadn't been there before.
So she wanted to take a look at it.
Right away she said it didn't look good.
And we needed to biopisy it.
So they numbed it and sliced it and I won't know for at least a week what it is.

She tells me don't lose sleep over it, it may be nothing.
And I'm believing in faith that it will be nothing.
However I think it's time to use the brain God gave me.

I had decided after the bad burn no more tanning beds, and after this I'm pretty sure I'll never do that again. It just isn't worth the risk.

Take a few moments and watch this...share it. And USE SUNSCREEN.

I know now that I'm more at risk than most due to my light skin and red hair as well as family history.

It's just not worth the risk, no matter how well we may all look with that sunkissed glow.

And remember there is always, SPRAY TAN.

Singlenss....and grace

2012-01-16T09:27:00.000-06:00

So Annie over at Annie Blogs wrote a post a few weeks back for Incourage about being single.
And today she has posted Another One on Incourage.

She's being real and being honest about being single.
Opening it up for all to be able to share.

I want to get in on it.
But I'll be honest I'm a little scared to do it.

See, late last year I had re posted an article about Authentic Women's Ministry that a friend had posted.
And was attacked when I mentioned that what I might need as a single woman may vary in what a married/mother might need.
The person that did so was a friend one I had trusted with things in the past and her words cut deep.
I'm still working to overcome the effect of them when I talk or even think about my singleness because she was intentional mean (she did say she was intentional about being mean so that's not my judgment there).

So while I open up here and join in on the whole thing with Annie, I want to ask a favor.

Please be gentile.

And know that as a part of who I am I don't think any less of you if you are married or a mommy, nor do I think you have no struggles because you are one or both of those. In fact I think you have some very big struggles and very hard tasks, ones that I could never understand more than likely.
But that doesn't mean my struggles are any less of a struggle just because I'm single.

So I'll start mine off kinda like Annie did...

I'm Leanna, I'm 32 and single.

Never married.
And very few romantic relationships.
I grew up in a small town and maybe that's why there were never a lot of romantic relationships.
That or because I'm pretty picky and the ones I wanted always seemed to want someone else.

"Being single, whether never married or single again, can be a challenge, a blessing, a curse, a joy, a disappointment" (via Annie on her Incourage post)

And that is so very true.
It often is a curse, hello, facing wedding season every year alone with no date is tough, watching most of your friends begin to have babies, Valenties Day (really like anything more needs to be said on that case).
It can be challenging to seem to be going at this all alone.
I for one don't want to burden my family with things, be it my parent or my sisters and brothers-in-law.
That's me it's "how I roll".

But being single can also be a blessing too.
I can decide on a whim if I want to go out and do things any day.
My money is my own to spend.
I can pack my schedule for of stuff and not worry about anyone else but me. (not completly since I have family and responsiblities).

But this year as we start out I am going to be purposful about being thankful for this contiued season of singleness.
And wait and see what God has for me in 2012.

I don't know what I want

2012-01-12T09:03:00.001-06:00

I had lunch with a dear friend of mine from YWAM yesterday.
She was my roomie for those months we were there back in 2001.
We had an instant connection. Even though there is a year or two separating our ages, and even though she is now married (to one of our classmates) and has 3 kids, we still get along really well.
I love her...to death as they like to say around here.
She and I have lived in the same town for a few years now, and we haven't done a good job at getting together very often these last few years. Though we probably saw each other more in the last several months than we ever have.
She's moving though, by Saturday of next week she and her family will be gone.
Moving to Washington State.
He husband got a job working on the airplanes he has always wanted to work on.
His dream job.
And his dream job allows her to have her dream job- stay at home wife and mommy...to home school her children.
I am so happy for them- even though it means they will be leaving here.
How wonderful to be able to have your dream job.

Yesterday after lunch while we were having coffee, she asked me what I wanted to do.
And you know what....
I don't have an answer.

Where do I want to go?
What do I want to do?
Job?
Moving?
All that.

Aside from the fact that I really would like to marry- I just don't know what I want to do right now.

I know I'm slightly bored where I work.
I don't feel challenged where I currently am.
I LOVE the people I work with and know that I'm very good at my job, I make good money and all that considering I don't have a degree, but still....
Is that enough?

I love my youth kids, but feel worn and weary at my Wednesday/Sunday church.
Is there more for me out there? In the church or outside of it?

So, I'm thinking now,
What do I want to do?

Praying about it.
Seeking the Lord....What do you want me to do?
Stay, Go, Move, Wait....

Because honestly I don't know what I want to do.

New Year = changes

2012-01-04T13:50:00.000-06:00

Ok I'm not one of those people who does New Year's Resolutions

I don't think I've had any since high school. I don't guess I believe in them.
I know for me, if I'm going to do something I'm going to do it or I won't.
That's just usually how I work.
If you're one of the resolution people out there I commend you.
And if you're able to meet your goals I think that's fablous.

There are things that I do want for 2012or maybe better said that I plan on doing.
One of which is my first half marathon.
I plan to sign up this week, but even though I haven't paid my entry fee it is in fact facebook official.
I posted that I was going to do it so now I feel like I can't chicken out. Even if I want to.
Which will hopefully help me keep from doing so.
I'm slightly nervous since the most I've run in a race is a 5k.
Which is just over 3 miles. A half is something like 13.6 if I'm remembering correctly.
And I have til March to get ready and trained.

Last year though I told myself I wanted to run a marathon so if I'm going to do that this will have to be the first step.

So that's the first thing to "offically" complete for 2012, aside from making sure I make the time to write here as well as journal more often.

Christmas ....meh.

2011-12-16T10:31:00.000-06:00

I'm so not a Christmas person.

I have no idea why.

After all I know the real reason for the season.
And I am extremely thankful for that reason.
But personally I could do with out the holiday.

(courtesy of Google Images)

Now please know I'm no Scrooge, I love giving. I've enjoyed shopping for others and all that.
but personally, I just feel no "holiday spirit" this year.
More so even than other years.

Maybe it's the lack of tree...(Tucker my adorable fur baby, will be 2 next year so we'll try for a tree then but right now there is no need to destroy a Christmas Tree).
Or decorations.
I do have a "Flurry of Winter Blessings" type sign on my door.
And a little Rudolph Statue on my shelf.
But that's it.

Maybe it's because I haven't watched Christmas movies, like I usually do.

I've been to a few Christmas parties. And have another one tonight.
But I just feel....over all of it.

It's odd...

Like I said I've never been a huge fan of Christmas but this year I just feel even less of one.

Wonder what that means.

Regardless though, I do wish all of you a Very Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year.

Do it all...

2011-12-06T10:12:00.000-06:00

Hi friends,
Sorry it's been SO long since I posted.
I find that I'm still writing but more on a personal level right now and more journaling than anything else.
There are a few of them that I really want to end up blogging but just haven't had the time to do it or when I did have the time didn't have the internet access.

Today though my daily calendar had this saying...

We sometimes expect so much of
ourselves that we end up feeling
defeated and don't try at all.
Philippians 4:13 says,
"I can do everything through Him who
gives me strength,"
But it doesn't say,
"I have to do it all right now."

With the Thanksgiving Holiday past us and the Christmas Holiday upon us
I know this rings very valuable for me right now.

I hope as the holiday season is surrounding you and you have many more things to do than normal that you remember the verse and the message behind it.
You can do it! Yes, but you don't have to do all of it right now.

Pastor Said it best...

2011-11-07T10:47:00.000-06:00

OK, so I'll be honest, I've had a really hard time finding the words to put the post on the Women's Encounter together.
I FEEL so much on it, learned a TON, LOVED almost every minute of it. But talking about it....that's really hard.
It's almost like I just don't know what to say.
Or how to say what I want to say.
It's been odd. Because most of the time that's not an issue for me.

Saturday night at church though we had what is best described as a move of God in our service, where we could really feel the presence of the Holy Spirit.

And our Pastor Said at the end.
Don't try to explain what happened in human terms, Sometimes things happen that are of God and because they are of God there is no way to put it in human terms with out humanizing it. And when we humanize it we often lessen what actually happened.
(mind you I'm paraphrasing because I didn't get exactly what was said all down but it was something like that).

And largely I think that was what happened at the Women's Encounter, for me. In me.
See I've long since struggled with love.
Not loving others really. I think that for the most part I can allow myself to totally love others.
I'm just way more critical of allowing others to love me.
And more certainly of accepting the love that God has for me and the way he sees me.

I know with out a shadow of a doubt that he died for me.
And deep down I know that he loves me.
But it's really the level of love that he loves me with that I have a hard time with.
And the forgiveness aspect.
I know he forgives me. And I accept his forgiveness.
But forgiving myself.
Yeah, not so much.
That's a really tough one for me.
REALLY REALLY tough.
And I'm working on it.

Even though it's hard and I still mess up. I'm working on it.
And I'll be honest, I feel much more peaceful these days.
Which is nice.
And I've ordered the book that the forgiveness teaching was done with. I'm really looking forward to that.

One of the other main things that I learned is this.
We can either be a thermometer or a thermostat.
Meaning we can either reflect the atmosphere we are in or we can change it.
And I want to change it.
So even if someone else is in a bad mood, having a bad day, complaining or anything like that I CAN choose to not reflect that. But instead help affect that "temperature" in the room.
I want to be a positive influence on all.
No matter where I am.
Home, Church, Work...heck even Walmart...because we all know in those daily little places and things, we can get most stressed and all that. And that's where I can make the most difference.
I think this applies to me too, in the area above as well.
I can choose to love and accept myself, (not that I want to stay where I am in my perfections) I can choose to set the tone for the way I feel about myself and put a stop to all of this negativity I see in myself and change that as well.

So, Even though it's hard to put into words know that I had a GREAT time at the Women's Encounter.
And I did infact make some new friends too....because you knew I was worried about that as well.

24 (or more likly 30) Days of Thanksgiving

2011-11-02T09:59:00.002-05:00

(courtesy of Google Images)

I'll have that post about the Encounter soon.
But before we get to far into the month I wanted to share what I'm doing with all of you.
Maybe you've heard about it and maybe you're not.
But here's the deal.
Many people are taking the days of November through now and Thanksgiving and listing one thing they are thankful for.
Most are doing it via Facebook (which is how I'm doing it) but I think even if we all did it on our own it would be a good thing.
So here's what we do (Oh yes I'm counting you to be in already)

Daily just tell, list or remind yourself of ONE THING you are thankful for.

That's all you have to do. Now through Thanksgiving Day - though maybe you'll be like me and do it all month.
It doesn't have to be a BIG thing you are thankful for.
For me TODAY'S was COFFEE.
Because I'm really thankful for coffee this morning. And really when I get down to it find it to be a blessing. Is that silly, maybe but I think that God is ok with our delighting in the little things.

Here was yesterday's as well though too in case you want to go into it more.
YESTREDAY: I'm thankful most of all for a God who loves me enough to save me.
Loves me beyond my understanding and does it even when I don't think I'm love able myself.

I thought it was a good thing to start it all off with. Plus with the Encounter Experience it really fits in and hits home for me.
So join me...let's all think of one thing (and share it) daily.
Who knows we may rub off on someone else who really needs it.
And we may create a habit of thankfulness in our own lives that extends far beyond the month of November.

Something...

2011-11-01T12:49:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a while since I posted something.
I'm having a hard time gathering my thoughts lately.
Not 100% sure why, maybe it's the weather, knowing that it will change soon.
And that the time will change soon.
Which means darkness will be around a lot more.
Or it could be that things are getting busy.
The fall seems to mean photo season.
Everyone wants them for their Christmas Cards.
So I've had my last free weekend on the 15th (not knowing it was the last free one)
Until after Thanksgiving.
Meaning that I'm working those weekends, and more than one of them working both days.

I don't even want to think of Christmas.
It's going to be crazy.
But I know God has a plan.
And it will all work out as it should.

And I promise, I'll write about the Women's Encounter soon.
It was GREAT though! Loved it!
God knew all along that I needed to be there.

Sometimes it's the little things

2011-10-19T08:30:00.000-05:00

This weekend is our Women's Encounter.
That's what most would call a Women's retreat. But since we aren't all about relaxing and more about learning we call it the encounter. At least that's my understanding as to why we call it that.
This is my first one.
Since this is the one with the new church.
The Saturday night church.
I signed up waaaaaaayyyyyy back in March to go.
Back when another girl I'd known for a while was going too.
She's not going now.
And while I'm looking forward to the weekend and learning and all that I'm very
very
nervous.

See I don't really know the women at this church.
I know of them but I don't know them.

I used to work with the lead singer on the worship team and I know she'll be there but even in the 9+ months of my going to this church regularly almost every Saturday night, she and I just haven't reconnected.
And with out meaning to sound judgmental I honestly don't think she wants too.
That's just the vibe I get from her.

So I'm going. Friday afternoon. To a weekend full of ladies that I don't know.
And part of me is scared to death.
It's the whole thing of what if no one talks to me?
(No I don't think that will really happen)
What if no one wants to sit by me at dinner (breakfast or lunch)?
(No I don't think that will really happen either)
What if, what if, what if....
The list really could keep going.

I'm not even taking my car. The small group leader for my group called last night and we are car pooling so no matter how things turn out in things I'm stuck there.
Which don't get me wrong, may be for the best since I don't have to worry about my ability to "run away" should things get rough.

I know deep down it's all going to be ok.
But sometimes it's the little things that scare the crap out of me.

Trying to catch up

2011-10-11T22:36:00.000-05:00

I feel like it's been forever since I've gotten on to post anything.
Life has been crazy.
It's been a good crazy but crazier than normal.
One photo shoot a week plus the regular job and youth work
Add in the youth work, Saturday night church, Sunday morning church and workouts and I have a hard time just finding any time at all.

Not that I'm complaining. I'm not. I'm enjoying life a lot right now.
It's good, I'm happy, and doing what I can to stay at peace.

I'm starting the "what women fear" book with a friend and co-worker.
And am really looking forward to all of that.

I'm getting back into my workout routine and am feeling ok for the most part.
Just a few setbacks here and there that I'm hopeful will work themselves out.

But it's also a time of changes too.
I can feel them coming again.
And there's so much I just don't know about.
What to do, How to react, what's the answer or what's the next step.
I just don't know.

So I'm trying to wait.
To seek,
To trust
And listen for that still, small voice.
Allowing it not feelings or emotions to lead me

Hopefully soon I'll write more about exactly what's going on.

What We (well, actually ME) Fear.

2011-09-26T09:12:00.001-05:00

They have asked us to blog on what we fear over at Incourage, to kind of tie in with Angie Smith's new book "What Women Fear". (the post is here ). I'm really looking forward to reading this book, to learn some things, and hopefully find some grace in it.

I don't fear death (really-honestly I'm not affarid to die), or going to places like Afganastan or somehting like that. There's a part of me that longs for both of those things.

One thing I struggle in Fear in my life kinda boils down to wanting things.

It can be a varity of things, wheather it is a new job, growth in my current job, growth in my personal endevors (like my photography), firendships, or even in meeting someone and settling down.

I fear those things and often don't even realize that I'm doing it.

I know that there is a part of me in those that feels like I'm not good enough, not capable, or loved.
The devil ceratinaly plays up on those things.

Be it a tiff with a friend, a promotion of someone else, some one prefering the work of another, or even when it comes down to guys, their lack of attention (in the long run).

I often think to myself why would they want me.

Which yes I know is crazy.
But they are often the thoughts that still run through my head.
Right or Wrong.

I do know that I must take these thoughts captive and reafferm that they are indeed lies.

Somedays though that is easier than other days.

Somedays all I want is to be loved and affirmed.

For someone to say I really am worth the effort because most days I feel like I'm very not worth is.

So that's my fear, and here's to letting go of all of that and embracing the truth of what God says about me.

Psalm 139:14
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Jeremiah 31:3
The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying: “ Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.

I’ve been there…

2011-09-13T16:59:00.000-05:00

Forgive me…it took a little longer than expected to get this post up.

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of 9/11/2001.

A day that most of us know exactly where we were and what we were doing. That day was a hard day for most of us. A shocking day where what we as American’s, who probably mostly thought we were untouchable, were touched, or more accurately punched in the stomach.

Yesterday the events of that day were broadcast everywhere. On TV, the Radio, Facebook, churches. I don’t think there was really a place that it wasn’t mentioned. You couldn’t avoid it unless you stayed home and didn’t turn anything on. And even then if you knew what date it was I don’t think you’d have been spared the memories.

Yesterday in church our pastor read Acts 11:1-3
1 The apostles and the believers throughout Judea heard that the Gentiles also had received the word of God. 2 So when Peter went up to Jerusalem, the circumcised believers criticized him 3 and said, “You went into the house of uncircumcised men and ate with them.”

He talked about how the Jews had issue with Peter taking the gospel to the Gentiles.

Our pastor then said what if that was you right after 9/11/01? What if you were called to go to a Muslim nation? What would people say, what would your family think, what would you do?

Well, guess what….
That was me.

10years ago when the planes hit the twin towers, when one hit the pentagon and one landed in a field in Pennsylvania, I was sitting in a classroom in Elm Springs Arkansas at the YWAM base there. (YWAM is youth for a mission in case you weren’t familiar with the acronym). I was in my 9th month at the base, and we were just 2 months shy of going on outreach.

And we were going to TURKEY

Turkey (at least at the time) was 98.9% Muslim.

Yep, I’m sure you know that most people didn’t react favorably to our going. I was 21 at the time, so I remember calling home and talking to my mom about it. I know she was worried. But we had prayed about where to go since we had been in this school and we had felt as though we had clear direction on where God wanted us to be for outreach and that was there.

In Turkey.

Where it is a Muslim country.

Thankfully my family understood. Thankfully I come from a Christian home where they knew God’s will would be done and if that was in keeping me safe so be it and if it was not then so be it as well. They knew where I was going and they trusted Him as well.

I’ll be honest, I’m stubborn. Very, very stubborn. So there would probably have been little that they could have done even if they opposed.

I know there was opposition from others at the base. People that told us the very next day, in a prayer meeting, that we shouldn’t go. People that I wanted to smack in some ways because I choose and had chosen to believe that God was bigger than all that. And that he had a plan in sending us there.

And He did… we had a fruitful trip, filled with many divine appointments. Salvation and things that I’m sure just wouldn’t have happened had God not gone before us. I know still to this day that He called us there. And that it was all part of His plan, for us and for that nation.

So my encouragement to you is to keep going no matter the circumstances of what’s going on around you. If you feel that God is calling you to do something and go somewhere trust His plan.
If He is going with you and before you, you’re in the best place to be.
Regardless of what others think.

PS- it was all I could do while sitting in church to not raise my hand and be all like I did that- I LIVED that! :o) But I refrained.

Oh and God also took us to NY in an unscheduled way as well. We were there ministering near Ground Zero on October 11, 2011 - prayer booths and all that kind of thing. It's the last time I was in NY actually. And my heart still longs to go back there to see how it is now that the building is no longer smoking, and the dust is cleaned away and the people are no longer wearing gas masks. Hopefully someday God will call me back there.

Jam Session Thursday- Whitespace

2011-09-01T09:36:00.000-05:00

I loved Bonnie's post this morning, so if you have a moment (and aren't coming from that direction) hop on over to Her Blog and read what she wrote.

Our "white space" is what Bonnie refers as our time alone with God.

She was asking this morning specifically about "When you need rest and alone time with God, is it hard or easy? What holds you back?"

I do want to start by pointing out that I think that we all need rest and alone time with God even if we don't always "feel" the need for it. Though there are times I know I feel desperate for it.

Our connecting with God is something that we need to do because our faith as Christians is relationship driven. And just as any other relationship we need to connect and communicate with the other person there to be able to really truly take advantage and enjoy that relationship.
The relationships in my daily life that I take the time to nurture and grow are the ones that are most often the strongest ones I have.
Why?
Because I've made the time to meet with those people
to connect with them
find out what's going on with them
to share
and often to open myself up to them

And in doing those things I've built the foundation, trust, respect, love.

Things that for me are very important in a relationship.

Things that also transcend in importance in my relationship with God.

Now, I will say I am thankful that my foundation with him has been built over the years, so that even in the times where I've hit my rough patches my trust seems to stay true.

But getting to my white space isn't always easy.

There are obstacles, more often than not ones that I've put in my own path.
1. Busyness is a BIG one for me.
- I often find that I make myself too busy to make time for God.
2. Self Condemnation
- this comes from the enemy I'm sure, but I often think that if I'm not going to "live right" or when I've "messed up" a bunch that God doesn't want to hear from me.

What I need to remember is that, well, that stuff doesn't matter.
God wants me (and you) no matter what state I'm in.
And I need to remember that often communication with him doesn't have to be a big long time thing.
Just like the little - good morning text messages or kisses goodbye you may have with your spouse or children in the morning- those things can bring refreshment to a relationship. Joy to one's heart.
And just like that happens with the people in our lives it can happen that way with God.

Almost every morning I have the opportunity to be greeted with something like this....

And what I do with that is up to me.
More and more often, I try to recognize what is right in front of me out my window on my way to work.
And say - "Good Morning Lord"
taking a deep breath no matter what state I'm in and letting it out, relaxing in that moment and loving him, just like he loves me.
It doesn't have to be a big long drawn out thing.
Most often it's on my way into work that it happens, while I'm sitting in my car.
It's often not silent
Or planned
It's just a moment
One of connection
And a simple reminder of His love for me, and therefore a moment for me to
Stop
Think
Appreciate
And tell him- "Thanks I love you too".

Vacation, Vacation, vacation

2011-08-31T11:29:00.000-05:00

I was so thankful to be able to get away recently to visit a friend in the Portland/Hood River area.
We had a great visit. hiking, talking, eating, grabbing coffee at just about every oppertunity.
Below are just a few shots of the trip...they aren't the good ones, these are just Iphone pictures.
I'll load some "real ones" soon.

Faith Barista Jam- Growing Intrests

2011-08-31T08:08:00.000-05:00

What is a passion or interest you'd like to nurture and grow?I'll be blogging this frim the airport viz my phone so hopefully you'll forgive any errors or mistake or things of the such. But really why I say that I don't know.

Everyone at the Barista place is always so warm, welcoming, encouraging and friendly that is a non issue.

The topic Bonnie gave us this week was "what is a passion or intrest you'd like to nuture and grow"?
For me that has to be my creatitivity.
I'll be honest my current job doesn't allow much for the creatitity to get flowing on most days.
But everyone in a while I'll get to help work on a project with our marketing guy which allows it.
Or I'll get the oppertunity to go out and shoot, be it a wedding, or SR pictures, families or nature.
I know I want to work on the other end of just taking pictures as well.
The editing side of things so to speak.
I have the programs,
Some books,
I think all I really lack is the will power
I know for me this side of things will be a little bit harder
and I also know I hate to fail.

That's probably going what holds me back.
But I'm working on it and looking into it.

I know that most of the time I do really know how to take a good picture.
I just want the skills to take that good picture and change it, make it something different.
So we shall see.....

Stepping Down

2011-08-16T09:12:00.000-05:00

(courtesy of Google images)

How do you know when it's time? Time to step down, to move on, to take another path.

To leave the thing that you are currently doing.

No matter how much you once enjoyed it.

No matter how "GOOD" or "GODLY" of a thing it is.

And how do you know when it's just a rough season?

When you need to press in and hold on?

That no matter how much you want to step down from that good thing you need to press on

and press through.

Fighting to stay vs. just going on.

I'm wrestling with the decision on stepping down from working with the youth at my one church.

(For you newbies- I have 2 churches I attend regularly)

I've been enjoying the "new" church more and more these day.

I feel like I learn a lot there and I have a deep desire to get plugged in more with the things going on.

The problem, their cell groups are on Wednesday nights.

So it limits me on how involved I can get.

Since I'm at my other church on Wednesdays with the youth there.

And honestly, youth has been tough this season.

Or SR High YP is new and it's been an adjustment.

The kids have been harder to work with lately.

But at the same time I love my kids.

And I have a hard time seeing my self not involved with youth.

And there are kids in my current group that I care deeply about.

Ones that need love, compassion, protection, and just someone to know that they are worth something.

They need someone to value them.

And I want to show them they are valued.

Not only by me but also by God.

They are the reason I stay.

Until I feel clearly God telling me to go,

they will be that thing that keeps me there.

That driving force to leave my phone on and answer the 1am text messages.

Even if I very much at times want to step down.

Psalm 37:23

The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, And He delights in his way.

The gift of hospitality Faith Barista Jam

2011-08-11T13:01:00.001-05:00

But most of the time when I wanted to get on here I couldn't and when I couldn't the words just weren't here.

And today's JAM with Bonnie from the Faith Barista wasn't one I was sure I'd have something to say about but at the same time I really wanted to get Jamming again with her so here goes....

One of the things I loved from her post on Hospitality is this:

"...when it comes to practicing hospitality, yours doesn’t have to look anything like mine—or Lynn’s.

Your hospitality shouldn’t look like anyone else’s. Hospitality really means loving others with your life."

What a great way to look at it.
I often try to open my home up, but I'm not much of a cook myself. It's not that I can't cook I just really don't like to. It takes time and I often just tend to worry if it's going to turn out right.
I've cooked several times for my kids... some college age kids that have gone on mission trips with us.
While their homes are 2 hours or more away this past year they ended up going to college just 30 minutes away from where I live.
I told them when they enrolled they were always welcome in my home.
No matter what.
They are after all "my kids".

There are times when they are there that I try cooking, everytime I've done it it's actually turned out thankfully but there are other times when I just buy several frozen pizzas (they are boys who eat ALOT) grab a bag salad, some icecream or brownies and there's dinner.

They never seem to care what we eat. We visit for a while and watch a movie unless someone has to be back for a cerfew.

We often end up watching a Twilight movie! Crazy right! But I always let the kids pick and they boys for some strange reason want to watch those!

Through hosting them the last year I've even had ones that are going to college 2hrs away come the same nights as the others or the kid that's intering at her church for these first few years instead of going to college.

Each time they come I always tell them they are welcome to bring anyone they want, just let me know how many so I'm sure to have enough food.

I've had kids I've never met before in my home and we still always have a good time.

And often they end up "friending" me on Facebook the next day.

I find that for me the hospitality isn't about opening my home up to them or cooking and making sure the house is clean but is making room and welcoming them in my heart.

Keeping the connections going, checking on them randomly either in Facebook, Texting or some other way.

It's letting them know I care. After all we all need to be cared for, even if it's just in some small way.

So I've been MIA here on the blog lately, and I've missed it a lot sometimes.

Can you help?

2011-08-05T18:24:00.002-05:00

I don't usually ask, in fact I'm pretty sure I never have. But ...

Can you help?

I know a wonderful woman, one who has touched my heart many times when she probably never knew it.

One who has had strength and courage that I often am amazed at and think I could never have.

One who has gone through things I could not imagine going through.

One who has CHOSEN to obey the call of God and go places many of us would never even consider going.

One who has also obeyed God and returned from those places even though her heart was there and she didn't want to return.
She's not a saint. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want me to make her out to be one.
But she is one of the best people I have ever had the privilege to know.
One that when I think of her am SO BLESSED to know her and BEYOND BLESSED that she is still here on this Earth.

I know that most of you who know me don't know her but I'm asking, for you to consider helping.

She is walking (or hopes to walk if health allows it) in the San Francisco, CA 3 Day for the cure again this year.

For her third time. She still has $1000 left to raise for the event and had one month left to do it.

She didn't ask me to ask you. In fact she doesn't know that I am.

A part of me hopes she doesn't see this and never finds out.

But I feel led to do it.
I donated, Will you?
Even a small amount?
Every little bit will help her reach her goal.
Every little bit goes to Breast Cancer Research

Every little bit will toward finding a cure for this horrible disease.

Please think about it, Pray about it.

Here's the place to donate for her:

https://secure3.convio.net/npt/site/Donation2?idb=300046063&df_id=3089&FR_ID=1628&PROXY_ID=2275797&PROXY_TYPE=20&3089.donation=form1&JServSessionIdr004=c8zosrmwz1.app322b

Oh and every little bit is tax deductable.

Here's more of her story.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2011/SanFranciscoBayAreaEvent2011?px=2275797&pg=personal&fr_id=1628

Spark

2011-07-27T12:16:00.000-05:00

Last night's date went well. Good in fact.

It was comfortable, conversation flowed easily, and I think we both had a pretty good time.

I found out (I say I now we because I think he knew) that he's actually my best friend's, sister in law's brother. Aside from knowing literally a TON of other people that I know, went to school or church with and all that.

It was just crazy. Not the bad crazy at all.

Because like I said I had a good time.

He picked me up, we went to dinner, the conversation flowed easily, and after dinner we went to the hospital.

Yep, we went to the hospital- we have mutual friends that had twins yesterday.

The husband happens to be his best friend and I've known the wife for almost my whole life.

He asked if I was ok with going to see them since the guy had asked him to stop by and I told him sure.

Yes I do think it was odd that we did this on our first day, yes there were definite moments once we were there that I felt awkward and think he did too. But oh well, no big deal right.

After the hospital he took me home.

No kiss, no hug, not even an hand shake.

Which I'm ok with, really, really ok with.

Because there just doesn't seem to be any spark there.

(courtesy of google images)

I know I thought to myself as we were walking to the door, " he really doesn't seem the type that will try to kiss me. And I sure hope he doesn't".

I'm just not feeling that pull, the attraction.

It's total nada.

And I feel bad, because this guy doesn't sound like he's had good luck with girls.

Not in a long while at least.

And I don't want to hurt his feelings or for him to think there's anything wrong with him.

But even though he is a nice, christian, semi good looking, hard working, sweetie....

I feel no pull to want to be anything more than friends.

And I can't "see" us together.

I did agree to go out with him one more time.

Which I hope is ok.

I don't want to lead him on in any way, but I do recognize that first dates are rough, and maybe just maybe "his game" or mine was off last night. So I want to give it a second chance.

But like I said, I had a good time.

I'm just not feeling it.

No matter how much of all the right things he has.

*Sigh*

ugh...tonight

2011-07-26T15:44:00.000-05:00

Tonight's the night...

The Blind Date

And I have finally hit the point where I'm nervous.

Yep, right around noon today that hit.

And I'm almost to the point where I would really like to call and cancel.

I won't because that would be rude but that doesn't change the fact that a big part of me would still cancel.

Or even possibly be happy if he did.

Ugh...I hate this stuff.

So I agreed...

2011-07-20T12:11:00.000-05:00

(courtesy of Google Images)

I agreed to go out with the boy who some friends wanted to "fix me up with".

Honestly I don't really want to go.

And while I do kinda feel bad about feeling that way I decided I'm going to go.

If for no other reason than the fact that it should at least close that door.

A door I've been prying open for well over the last 8 weeks now.

And when I say prying that's what I mean.

See this guy has been calling/texting me since my sister's wedding.

Which was in April. Mid April.

He took his sweet time in asking me out, which is fine, I understand that.
But then when he finally asked me out he did it in a text...which while I'm all for technology these days that doesn't score ANY brownie points with me.
Top it off with the fact that he asked basically like this "so when are you going to not be so busy so I can take you out?"
Nice right?
Maybe I'm overly critical but honestly I don't want to feel like I'm not an inconvenience for you.

And truth be told, I've been honest with everyone, friends and family, that it's going to take someone special to get me to slow down. In other words you're going to have to be "worth it" for that to happen.

Because for the most part I love my life, or at least love my activities.
And if you're not going to stick around anyhow then why should I rearrange my schedule.

But I'm being nice, I'm giving the guy a shot because after talking to our mutual friend he may just need to be given a break. Apparently he's shy and has a hard time with stuff like this.
So I'm going to be nice and not hold that against him.

But I will say I don't have high hopes, because after agreeing to go out with him last week it took him a week to get back with me on when we would go out (next Tuesday). And then he basically wouldn't just pick where we were going to dinner. Even after I told him I wasn't picky and hated picking. A very large part of me wanted to tell him to MAN UP. Geeze, I'm indecisive on my own I want a guy who can pick a place for our first date by himself. After I tell you I'm ok with whatever that's your cue to make a decision.

All this was via text too.

*Sigh- so I'm not really looking forward to Tuesday. But oh well.

Painting pictures of Egypt

2011-07-19T08:40:00.000-05:00

This song came to my mind yesterday. Some moments I feel this way lately.

Blah

2011-07-18T11:33:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have "Blah" days?

Days that aren't bad days, days that aren't good days, days that just seem to be.

Filled of nothing really important or unimportant.

Today is one of those days for me.

It's not a bad day.

It's just another day.

One where I've thought to myself, I wish I wasn't here (meaning work) but then again I don't think I'd want to be at home if I were home.

So it's just "blah".

So I'm trying to focus in on the whole thing of

"this is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it."

But honestly I'm just not feeling it.

Not that I feel down and depressed or anything, because I don't.

I just kinda feel numb.

So there I am.

Know that if these posts seem random for awhile I'm sorry...I'm just trying to make myself write, either here or in my journal. Sometimes I don't know if things will make sense or seem right but I'm not going to worry about that. I'm choosing to contiue on this journey. On this path, where ever it may lead.
I'm just not sure where that is right now.

Not sure where to start

2011-07-15T14:42:00.000-05:00

It's been almost a month since I've blogged.

I've wanted to blog many times in that last month but the times when I had something to say I didn't have time to say it. :o(

And then there have been the many times I just didn't feel I had anything to say.
Which is kinda odd for me.

But it's been busy, even more so than normal I think...I say I think because I don't really know of a time when I can remember when I wasn't busy.

And I've been distracted with a lot on my mind these days.
But I haven't been able to put most of those things into words.

I wish I could say it was all good but I can't honestly say that.

Some days I feel very lost.

Yet even in those lost moments I know where my foundation is.

So I'm trying to rest, relax and wait.

While enjoying myself and trying to not stress on right or wrong.

And trying to slow down a bit.

Doctors orders, which is probably good since I'd most likely not do that on my own.

Life is BUSY...

2011-06-20T12:24:00.000-05:00

Really anyone who knows me knows how true that statement is.

I'm a planner.

Actually I'm probably more of an over planner in most cases.

My weeknights are booked pretty much every evening, and my weekends, well, let's just say when I have a totally free weekend it's a very rare occourance. And that rarely happens.

But I like my life. Busy as it is. Even if it means I fall a little behind sometimes here at the blog.
(Of course the internet problems at home really, really don't help).

So this post is about a week behind but I still wanted to share.

See I had my YWAM (Youth With A Mission) DTS (Discipleship Training School) 10 year reunion last weekend.
And we had a BLAST!
Not all of us were able to attend, but given that 7(not counting the spouses & children) out of the 18 of us in our class were there I think that was a pretty good turn out.
And it was SO SO nice to visit with everyone, catch up on the lives of one another and see how we are all doing.
It was a very reality type filled time, even if our days at YWAM weren't so reality filled.
No offense meant to the structure but living in a "bubble" for 6 months (or a year if you did the next school) isn't very realistic.
Though I wouldn't really change much of anything from that year since I walked away with friends who I'm still very close with and love very dearly. And was able to spend almost a year with God, drawing closer to him and doing mission work.

So we caught up with one another and totally decided that we aren't going to wait another 10 yrs for a reunion. We are going to shoot for next year or the year after. Who knows maybe then we will get everyone there!

An Oppertunity to Encourage

2011-06-14T08:45:00.001-05:00

And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

1 Thessalonians 5:14-15

Sassy & Sophisticated- 10 Premium Greeting Card Assortment

(http://store.dayspring.com/)

Honestly though one of my favorite things to do is give or send cards.

I'm a BIG card person.

I like to mail them for Birthdays, Holiday, and no reason at all.

It's nice for people to get mail. I know that may times all people get is junk or bills - at least that's how my box works. But getting a letter or a card is just nice.

Plus sometimes I'll send one and I'll get a text or email from the person a few days later letting them know how much it meant and how timely it was. Because they needed the encouragement.

Honestly it can be awkward at times too, when encouraging someone.

Just last week I had gotten my review packet of cards from Dayspring.

And I was SO excited about them.

I had "plans" for these cards since the opportunity to review was presented.

And some sometimes God has plans that we weren't aware of.

See I had planned to send a card or two to some friends, ones who were going through a bit of a rough time. And then on Saturday the 4th as I was on my way to church I was rear ended. Which caused me to be late for service. And I ended up parking somewhere I never usually park.

After church I was walking to my car when I noticed one of the younger ladies that attends our Monday night Bible Study. She was right in the path on the way to my car, so I stopped and talked to her, to see how she was. Come to find out a few days before she had been in a car accident as well. But her car was totaled.

Thankfully aside from a few bumps, bruises and scrapes on her she was ok as were her 3 kids.

But something in her eyes even as she was smiling touched my heart.

And when I got home and saw the package of cards from Dayspring I knew.

There was one in there for her.

Sure enough there was.

So I got it ready for Monday night.

And after we discussed our lesson from the previous week I turned around and handed it to her.

We had our "closing Party" for the end of the study that night so I headed back to where the food was.

Noticing shortly after that she wasn't in the room. But knowing she's a single mom of 3 I figured she had left.

But when I went to leave, walking though the church there she was.

Tear stained, talking with one of the older ladies in the church, and she came up and gave me a hug.

The older lady told me later on that the card meant so much to her.

That she is trying to keep her head up and be positive but right now it's hard.

Her family isn't saved. And aren't supportive in all these things.

She now has no car.

So she's very stressed.

The card meant more to her than I could have ever intended.

Sometimes you never know what God is going to use to speak to encouragement to someone.

Honestly I love to encourage people I really do.

Because I want to help people.

I like to help them feel better.

Even if they aren't going through a rough time.

Sometimes when someone who wasn't doing good but is doing good currently I like to encourage them.

Or if they are going though a rough time I like to help lift them up.

Many times I've heard people say that they want to help some one but don't know what they would say to them. Or don't know what to do.

Many times in my adult life I've found that when it comes to encouragement having those "right words" matter very little.

The big thing is to speak out, to let that person know that you care.

Some times that's a gentle pat.

A hug.

A shoulder to cry on.

A prayer.

Or Even a Card.

**Please know that DaySpring did give me the free product to review but all opinions stated are my own. I've bought many of the cards in the packet that I received before along with may other DaySpring cards. They are truly great cards to give for any occasion.

I couldn't do it...or so I thought.

2011-06-09T07:38:00.000-05:00

This week, this morning the subject at hand from the Faith Barista for our Theursday bloggings was to talk about "Finding the One".
And when I opened my email and saw Bonnie's subject Never Been Kissed: When You Wonder If You’ll Ever Find “The One” I thought "I just can't do this today".

Not because I shy away from the subject, generally speaking I have no issue with all of that.
Normally it's something I enjoy encouraging people (ok, girls more than anyone) in, that they will find that person, that God does have someone for them, that he's better than what they probably imagine, but that he'll also be human.

But it's been a raw week, with constant and consistant pain. Physical pain.

And then add to it that I've had a wedding every weekend for the last 4 weekends. Three of which were "work" weddings, so I'm still looking, sorting and editing through probably at least a thousand wedding photos now.
So the whole, "LOVE THING" has me a little worn out.
And I'm pretty sure at this point I don't ever want a wedding (I do want the marriage just not the wedding).

Plus I don't know if I believe in the whole thing of "The One".
Obviously I haven't found "My One" if that's how things work.

I do have faith that the right person will come along in the right time.
I just don't know when that will be.

I do know I need to trust God in this process.
(Just like every other process)
And wait for him.
And Trust him.
That he will bring that person.
(Or take the desire for me to marry away though at 31 I think if that were going to be the case it would have happened by now).

For now though I will wait as patiently as possible.
And buy as many shoes as I'd like since there is no husband to tell me no.

Psalm 27:14
New King James Version

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

I don't know what it is about this picture, the one that just happened to be taken by chance in Costa Rica as we were standing at a gate hiding from the rain, waiting out the storm and waiting for the car to arrive.

Everytime I see this picture I'm reminded that just like the path here where we can't see around the bend, life is often like that. We can't see around the bend in our own lives, but we are blessed with someone who does see the whole picture and knows exactly what is around that bend.

It's been a busy month

2011-05-31T16:56:00.000-05:00

May has been so very crazy for me.

I don't think I've had a free weekend the entire month. In fact I was busy shooting pretty much every weekend. Most weekends I had more than one photo thing going on.
Between the 3 weddings, a 1st Birthday, family shoots, maternity shoots....It's been unbelievable.
I've had a great time during most of them.

But boy am I tired. And I sure am glad June looks to be a bit slower so far which will allow me a chance to rest and hopefully enjoy some of the summer.

I am starting to wonder if all this work has taken its toll on my physical issues.
I've had a few times with more intense pain. Which sucks. But I've managed most of the time with just OTC stuff, only once did I reach for my perscrition, and that was only because I was working a wedding that day.

But I'm still believing for my healing, and will be calling the specalist in Little Rock again soon, to see if I can get in there and get looked at again. Hopefully I'll have a cyst (yes it's just as odd for me to say that as it probably is for you to read that) so they can take the fluid out of it.

I have noticed too that my blogging hasn't been as often lately so I thought I'd share just a few images of my My last weekend in MAY with you.
I hope you enjoy.

The end of the world...

2011-05-23T14:04:00.000-05:00

So most of us know that Saturday/Sunday was predicted to be the Rapture.

Christ’s return.

Now, I didn’t believe it. Basically because of this:

Mat 24:36 No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, [fn] but only the Father. As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left. "Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.

Pretty clear right there that is says we won’t know when Christ will return.

But we do know this:

Each day we are one day closer to Christ’s return.

Each day we are one day closer to the end of our world.

No matter how old or young you are this statement is true.
We are all born and start to die.
We are all here for only a certain number of days.
And just like God knows the number of hairs on our heads, he knows what day will be our last.

We MUST BE READY- Matthew 24:44
Because he will come when we don’t expect him.

Sometimes I think this also means we may go when we don’t expect to.

Yesterday evening we had some pretty bad storms in our area.
Just miles down the road in a town I frequented often when I was younger, a town where my younger sister attended college for a few years, their storms were much worse.

Homes & Businesses were destroyed.
For some life will never be the same.
People died…right now the current total is 89.
Some have gone to meet God now.
And it is devastating and tragic.

And I wonder, how many of those weren’t expecting the end.
How many weren’t ready? And how many were?

No matter how devastating and tragic the tornados and destruction is in Joplin, the true tragedy is for the ones who weren’t ready to meet God.
It just makes my heart ache.

And please know my heart does ache as well for those left with the destruction and loss from these horrible storms.
My heart and my prayers are with all of those who are going through this.
Now is the time for Christians in our area (myself included) to step up and help in ways we can.
If by no other means than prayer.
God can take this bad situation and use it for good.
And I believe he will.

If you’re interested in helping financially for the victims of yesterday’s storms here are a few links with information.

http://klrccares.com/?p=3678

http://www.uwheartmo.org/

http://www.redcross-ozarks.org/joplin/

Quitter?

2011-05-20T13:33:00.001-05:00

Ephesians 2:10 (NIV) tells us, “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

It's always amazing to me how many times God (because that's what I believe it truly is) will reoccurringly bring up a subject.

The scripture above is one that I'm sure I'd heard before but not one I'd really "studied". It's not one that really caught my attention. Which yes so totally seems crazy to me, since I look at it and think, that is a GREAT verse to quote.

And I saw it/heard it a few weeks back, once in church I believe and then again in our Bible study I think, then again this morning on the incourage site.

And I FEEL it each time I hear it or see it.

You know what I mean right...it HITS me. And I physically feel it.

And then I have to stop and think.

Am I doing that? Or have I quit.

Often times we want to give up.

Give up doing the right thing when we have been wronged so many times

Give up hoping when things are dark

Give up being positive when our world seems so negative

Give up hanging in there when it seems as though we are hanging by a thread

We just want to plain give up and quit life.

But we can't (ok, so we can because we have that choice) or we won't get to do those good things God has prepared for us. Among other blessings that I'm sure we will miss out on if we give up and quit.

I don't know where you are on life's journey right now, or what you're going through. I don't know what pain you may be experiencing, but know that God has a plan for you. That He is still in control.
And let me encourage you to look back on the good times, the joys he has given you. Don't lose hope or faith. Wait expectantly for the next good thing he has for you...because he does have one (or more) for you.

Galatians 6:9-10 (New International Version)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Here are a few pictures to enjoy from my Sunday at the photography convention...I hope you enjoy them.

Journey

2011-05-12T10:41:00.000-05:00

Ever read this book?

If not I'm going to say it is one to add to your list.
Even if it's not "your type" of book, I really recommend it.

We started the Women's Bible Study the last Monday in April.
We missed the week before last due to the rain/storms/flooding we had in our area that week.
But this Monday we were back in the swing of things.

And I must say, there is SO MUCH information in this book.
It's for all ages, no matter how young or old you are.
No matter if you are married or single.
Healthy or well.
Rich or Poor.

It goes into so much depth on what effect your thoughts and words have on your life.
It's just kinda shocking. Or maybe shocking isn't the right word. Eye opening, for sure though.

And it often leaves me puzzled on what to put on here at times.

How do I share what's really going on, how do I share all that I'm feeling, including the bad and not so good with out putting everything out there for the enemy to be able to attack and make it so he can use it against me? My hope is that the following chapters will address some of that a little more. I'm only in Chapter 7 so I think it's probably in there...or at least I'm hopeful it is.

But I wanted to let you know what was going on with all of this since I feel very MIA with all this thought stuff going on in addition to my being sick.

I do want to make note that I find it astounding how things seem to tie together.

The negativity fast is going very well, I think partially due to the Battlefield study.

Since they tie in together so well.

But I think it also really ties into the whole SOMETHING NEW aspect that Bonnie from Faith Barista brought up this week.

Since for me this is very much a new journey, a new path, a new way of doing things.

Because I'm intentionally being positive. Intentionally looking for good things.

Looking at the promises of God, not the problems of everyday life.

Giving people the benefit of the doubt instead of getting upset.

It does often leave questions though, like, what do you though when you're surrounded by others who are really negative. Who say things that (so I'm learning) are damaging to themselves. Even though they don't know it.
See I've always been one of those people who people come to I like to be a good listener.
And I like to help others work it out.
But when it's negative a lot, should you say something?

I try to point out the positive but let's face it....Miss Suzy Sunshine all the time isn't always realistic nor do others always like to hear it.
But if our words have so much of an effect on ourselves ( as well as others since we all know that they do) should something be said to them?

It's often a fine line between hurting someone un necessarily or helping them. So it's still a fine line on what to do. But with God's grace & guidance I'll know when to do it or not to.

But I'm defenatly entering into a new season of what I'm not always sure, but it's a good new season in this journey of life. One I look forward to everyday.

Be strong, and let your heart take courage,

all you who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24

Mom and such

2011-05-05T09:22:00.001-05:00

I'm not a mom, not yet, not legally at least.

I've been called mom before -- many times actually.

I "adopt" the kids on our mission trips. Look out for them, check on them, see how they feel when they are sick, go on the nurses calls even in most cases, as well as talk with them if they seem quiet and try to bring the shy ones out of their shells during our time in country.
It's evolved into the point of checking on them when via email or even phone calls when we are back in the states (most don't live in my state), driving 2 hrs to see a play they are in or attend a graduation party, or now that some are in college and going to a school about 30min from my home- cooking dinners and hosting movie nights for them.

And I have my youth kids, ones I want to be there for as much as I can be. To care for, to nurture, to help them become the person that God desires them to be. To help them grow into Godly men and women for seek Him and follow Him all the days of their lives.

It's something I really enjoy, and I think some day if God allows, I'd be a very good mom.
Even if at this current stage of life I wonder if I want to be a mom in the normal mom sense of the word.

Being a mom seems like such a big task to me.
Overwhelming at times when I look at it but I do think it has to be one of the most rewarding titles a gal could have.

I have been very blessed to have a fabulous mother. One who loves me no matter what, no matter how many times we bump heads or argue or anything she's still pretty great.

And I realize more and more how blessed I am to have such a great family.

I see so often these days, especially in my own youth group, how few "good" parents there are these days.
Please know that I'm not trying to make a judgment here on parents. I know not being a parent I don't have much room to talk nor do I know what it's like. Factor in that each child is different and therefor brings it's own set of issues in parenting to the equation and I really have no place to judge and wouldn't even if I did have "my own" kiddos. Because I'm not in your shoes so I don't know.

But at the same time I still see a lot of a lack of parenting.
Where many times parents aren't in the picture at all.
And I wonder how this can be?
I know these kids, granted I may only see them a few times a week but what I see I can't understand why a mom (or dad) wouldn't have much of anything to do with her children.
And what kind of answer can I give these kids?
While I know God has a plan for them I don't know the full story behind the why, when a parent isn't in their life.
I know that they are worth it.
God knows that they are worth it.

I just wish there was a way to take their heartbreak, their sadness and all those feelings of not being wanted by their own parent away.
I want them to know they are loved.
It breaks my heart to see them hurt.
Even if I'm not their real mother.

So I may not have children legally but my heart certainly does.

Sick & tired....

2011-05-01T20:07:00.000-05:00

I'm exhausted.

And sick.

And finally admitting it.

(courtesy of google images)

I didn't want to. Especially after reading battlefield of the mind. I was really working on watching my words.
But even Joyce Myers stated that it isn't about denial. So I have to admit, that even though I am getting better, even though I'm claiming my healing, I am sick. :o(
And I don't like it.

I've even pretty much lost my voice.

That's NEVER happened before. And it is SO odd.

I did prom pictures for a group of 14 last night and had almost lost my voice completely then, so trying to yell when it comes out a whisper is pretty funny.
Thankfully there was a mom there to help me out and help keep the kids in line.

Then I went on to church which was great- though I tried to sing. Now, my speaking voice is "something else" right now. So my singing voice...whew...let's just say that it's a good thing I was with out a volume level and that the music was loud! It was THAT BAD...and this morning I didn't even try to sing.

So now I'm sitting in the house waiting out the new round of Arkansas storms, not talking and resting the voice.

Tomorrow in the office with no voice should be interesting.

Negativity Fast & the Battlefield of the Mind… and the Ex.

2011-04-25T08:31:00.001-05:00

So we are now on day 25 of the Negativity Fast.

It's going pretty well for the most part, better than I expected in most ways, and I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job following the "what it's not" part.

Which is:
Not denying problems exist
Not "stuffing things" that are wrong
Not critical of others that are struggling
Not irresponsible concerning things that need to be done

I'm doing ok in certain other areas of what it is, like the one about refraining from giving voice to pessimism, replacing negative words & thoughts, I'm trying to see hope about even the tough issues.

I'm not doing as great in DETERMINING to focus more on God's promises. I'm trying to focus on them but I'm not as determined as I feel I should be. And sometimes I forget that's what I need to look at, you know...what God says, not what others say, or what I say, not even what I think and feel.

And yesterday was a rough day. All the wedding stuff was finally done, which was nice.
But most of the family left in the morning, which was hard, and then my sister left, and I was home alone.
I got on facebook and happened to see a picture of the Ex with whom I'm assuming is his new girlfriend. His status may still say single but I know they were on a date a few weeks ago so my assumption is that if they have a picture together on FB they are "together, together".

And while I know that he's not the one God has for me (at the very least he's not the one now, not in his current unsaved state), it still hit me hard. Harder than I wanted it to. Harder than I expected.
And there is a fear in me that is whispering - he's going to marry her.

Stupid right, yes I know that. But it clenches my heart every time it crosses my mind.

I also know this is the devil speaking to me. Because this is a stronghold he has currently.
See I started the Battlefield of the Mind Bible Study with the Saturday church, it's on Monday nights actually. So I've been going through chapters one - five this week. And it's been talking a lot about taking our thoughts captive.
And I know this is one I really need to come against. I'm just not sure how. I'm not sure what to say to this thought to make it stop.

Because I KNOW, that he's not it for me.
I KNOW that there's no way to know what's going to happen with him and this girl.
I KNOW that it's silly to think this way.

But I still care. I still had a small ounce of hope that things would change maybe, I'm not sure.
I still wanted things to one day work out with us.

And yes I know that it's probably a good thing to go through this, to have to let go. To have to move on.
But it still hurts.
I still cry.

But this morning when I got on my computer I deleted him from my friends on Facebook. Which has made me sad as well, but at least I won't have the temptation to see things, I won't be able to go look.

Because sometimes you just don't want to know.

What Easter means this year...

2011-04-21T08:14:00.000-05:00

I almost laughed when I read what this week's Faith Barista topic was.

What Easter means to you this year?

And sadly, the first thing that comes to mind has nothing to do with Christ.

See this weekend ends 2 things.

My sister will be married on Saturday.

(courtesy of Google Images)

FINALLY!
All the stress, pressure, planning, doing and etc will be finished.
And my sister will be married. Sunday evening the family will leave and hopefully my schedule will be back on schedule :o)
I'm happy for her and all that, and have been praying daily now for stress to cease and for all the final things to come together. I'm looking forward to being off on Friday and doing all the pre-wedding beauty stuff with her. But I really look forward to it all being done.

The other thing that comes to mind is I will finally be able to buy....

(courtesy of Google Images)

SHOES! again :o)
As a youth group we gave up things for lent. And my kids made me give up buying shoes. (No I don't actually have that many shoes, that's Jessica Alba's closet not mine pictured. But I do think that God has given me a joy for shoes ;o) )

I know I do have a lot of shoes, but let me just state that a lot of my shoes are older.
It's nice when your feet stopped growing when you were a teenager and so some of my shoes from back then are still in good condition.

Really though as much as these 2 things excite me, I look forward to Sunday night.

Once everyone is gone and I'm back home alone in my house, and I can sit and reflect.

Reflect on what the "Holiday" is really all about. To think about what the difference a week makes.
We talked Sunday about Jesus coming into the city and the people shouting Hosanna and laying the palm branches down.
How they worshiped and adored him.
And then less then a week later how they hated him.
Killed him.

And how he died.
A horrible, painful death.
One that he went to WILLINGLY.

And then He CONQUERED

CONQUERED SIN
CONQUERED DEATH

ALL FOR US

all for ME (say that to yourself in the first person)

And he would have even if it had only been me.

Talk about some love there.
This year, that's what Easter means to me more than ever.
His love, his grace, covering our sins, and all that he went through.
Just because he loves me.
I'm walking more and more in his grace these days as I look to his way of thinking, his way of doing things, his road that he wants me on.
One moment that road may be covered in palm branches (ok so none literally), and some moments that road may feel hurtful like the one he journeyed to that hill. But as he guides and directs my path as I allow him, just like He allowed our Father to guide and direct his own, no matter what type of path the road may be on any given day, if it is His path all will be right in the world. Because sometimes we need the pain to get to the joy, sometimes there are things we need to go through now to prepare us for tomorrows unseen circumstances that we wouldn't be able to handle or help someone else through if we didn't go through today.
But no matter the path we don't walk it alone. He walks with us.
And he places people along side us all to walk it. Just like He has placed many of you in my life, even if you aren't in my state, you are in my heart, just like the Holy Spirit.
And I'm so happy to get to now walk my road with all of you.

Happy Easter!!!

Don't Count Your Chickens...

2011-04-15T09:19:00.000-05:00

(courtesy of Google Images)

But do count your blessings. That's one thing this negativity fast has been pressing on me. I know I'm much more positive when I'm focusing on the good versus focusing on the bad things.

These past few weeks the Jam with the Faith Barista has been in regards to Joy.
As most of you know if you've been following my posts for a year or so last year was a rough year.
This year wasn't starting out to well either to be honest.

With hospital bills coming in from surgery in November, other doctor bills, getting ready for the sister's wedding, things with the new boy not working out, the Ex bothering me again, and even more issues with my heath, 2011 wasn't shaping up to be a good year either.

I was struggling with all of it. Though I can say I wasn't struggling anywhere near as badly as I was last year. Even though at a glance things certainly seem worse then they did then.

My perspective shifted though, I may still be surrounded by the rain clouds, I may still be in the mist of a storm season, but I know I'm not going through it alone this time.

Not that I was really alone last time since God promises not to leave or forsake us. (Deut. 31:8)
But I was so "clouded" by my sin and selfishness and shame last time that I couldn't see it. That I wasn't sure I wanted to see it. Because that would mean He had seen me the whole time. A thought that even though I know is true sickens me still sometimes. A feeling that I think is a good thing now though, because disappointing Him should sicken me.

Sometimes we think we have lost hope or lost our joy. That we are going through these tough times alone, sometimes all we can see is our hurt or our struggle.
And sometimes we don't understand the why of all of it. Why God would allow us to hurt, by our choosing or not by our choosing, I don't think it matters...we still often question why we hurt.

Most of you know I've been "in love" with this song for a while. Ever since I heard it MONTHS ago.
I immediately went out to get the CD. Found out it wasn't realised till this past Tuesday, (bought it yesterday) and every time I hear it in my car I turn the sound up, even when I'm in someone else's car I'll usually stop the conversation and turn their radio up.
It's been that impactful to me.
I love the words,

BLESSINGS by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace, comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, prosperity, we pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.

While all the while you hear each spoken need. Yet love us way to much to give us lesser things.

Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops, what if your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near.
What if trials of this life are mercies in disguise.

We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear, we cry in anger when we can not feel you near we doubt your goodness we doubt your love as if every promise from your word is not enough.

While all the while you hear each desperate plea. Long that we'd have faith to believe.

Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops, what if your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near.

What if trials of this life are mercies in disguise.

Friends betray us, When darkness seems to win we know, the pain reminds this heart that this is not
THIS IS NOT OUR HOME.

Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops, what if your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near.

WHAT IF MY GREATEST DISAPPOINTMENTS OR THE ACHING OF THIS IS THE REVEALING OF A GREATER THIRST THIS WORLD CAN'T SATISFY.

WHAT IF TRIALS OF THIS LIFE THE RAIN THE STORMS THE HARDEST NIGHTS,
ARE YOUR MERCIES IN DISGUISE.

I typed it out to really get the full impact of the song, to really have to listen to it. Even though I know it mostly by heart these days. The little variation in the chorus even speaks to me.

To me this song is the Lord speaking Joy (as well as Hope, Peace, Rest, & Love) to me, to my heart.
It truly brings my thoughts back to him, back to the fact that He knows all, sees all, and love me more than I can comprehend. And being loved like that fills me with joy overflowing.

Psalm 5:11
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

I may still weep, I may still struggle, but I know in my heart that no matter what trials this life may bring,be they trials by my hand or by his, he's not leaving me. He's there and I can learn from it and will have joy in the end if my trust is in him.

Psalm 30:5 For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.

So if you're struggling hang on, turn to him. Maybe you're struggling because He has something for you. A GREATER thing than you can imagine. I know I may still wrestle with things in this life like my current health struggles, but I know His hand is in all things. Besides what is my stressing (or yours) going to do to help the situation?

If you want to listen to the song again click HERE .

Frustrated...Friend

2011-04-13T14:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm a tad frustrated.

No, not with the Negativity fast. That seems to be going pretty well I think.
Though I do notice I tend to fall more into the negative pattern when I'm driving.
Like today at lunch when I was behind a non-brilliant driver who didn't really seem to know what they were doing.
Other than that though I feel like I am improving.

However I am frustrated with someone.
I'll call her a friend.
Even though it has been ages since we've done anything together.
Ages since we've spoken to on another.
Ages since we fit the bill of what I consider friends.

Which made me curious as to what the actual definition of friends is.

Per Mr. Webster:

Definition of FRIEND

1a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : acquaintance

2a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group

3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)

4: a favored companion

5capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war —called also Quaker

Which really wasn't what I expected when I looked it up.
But oh well, I guess the closest thing to what I was thinking is the first one.
I personally think this sounds more like an acquaintance to me.
Since to me a friend is someone who knows you on a more personal level.
Someone who wants to know what's going on in your life, to know how you are, what you are up to, and all those "little" things that make up who you are.
One who KNOWS you not just KNOWS OF you.
Hopefully that makes sense.

So I have this "friend" who I've known pretty much my whole life. She's a family friend so we did a lot of things together when we were younger, she has 2 sisters as well just like me and the 6 of us would get together on a regular basis.

But I haven't seen, talked or heard from her in years now. So I really have no idea what's going on in her life aside from what I hear from others or via Facebook.
And aside from the 2 showers I've seen her at in the last few months. That's right showers, one for her sister who married in October and one for My Sister who is marrying in 2 weeks.

Yet, since I've seen her I've gotten text messages, facebook messages, event invites for FUNDRAISERS for something she is doing. I'm assuming it is for youth stuff but honestly I don't know, because I haven't gotten an email really explaining all of that either.
But it does kinda bother me that she's asking for money. That's it. No real explanation of what it is or what's going on.
It frustrates me. Why? Because it feels like she is interested in my wallet not in me.

Even if that's not the real case.

So what do you consider to be a friend.

Joy/Joi

2011-04-08T10:00:00.000-05:00

I heard once a long time ago that often you will reflect what your name means. And you will do so by either being the fulfillment of it or by being the opposite of it.

My name is Leanna Joi – that’s Joy with an I right there. And if the statement above is true it means I’m either joyful or I’m not.

Honestly I do think there is some truth to the statement.

ANYHOW -Today’s topic at Faith Barista today is Joy more specifically keeping your Joy Safe.

Now I do want to say that I’m of the belief that joy and happiness are not the same thing. I think you can have joy and not be happy.

Because I think that Joy is more God centered. In ways more God promised.

Acts 2:28

You have made known to me the ways of life;You will make me full of joy in Your presence.’

John 16:23-24

Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

Doing the negativity fast has really helped me in the way of regaining my joy- or maybe that’s finding it again.

I don’t think I lost my joy so to speak I think I have managed to push it aside and in a way burry it.

Do you ever do that? Burry your joy?

What I mean when I ask that is this- do you forget where your joy comes from?

I look at that verse from Acts and think …in His presence is Joy.

Hummm…if in his presence is joy, and I’m not feeling the joy (again this is where to me happiness & joy differ) then am I in his presence?

I’d have to answer that with a big ol’ No sometimes.

When I’m not feeling the joy I’m certainly not in his presence.

I’m not focused on Him, who He is or what He has done for me.

I’m not focused on how much He LOVES me.

It’s kinda sad really when you think about it.

I can have joy all the time…really because as a Christian, as one who has accepted Christ and his gift of salvation, I have the Holy Spirit living inside me.

And if I have the Holy Spirit living in me then I have His presence with me.

Really makes me think.

Hope it makes you think too.

Negativity Update- Day 7

2011-04-07T11:25:00.001-05:00

Well, things have been going ok.

I can't say I've been 100% negativity free and I can say that yesterday was a pretty big fail in a lot of ways when it comes to this stuff but I'm hanging in there and not beating myself up over it.

We were talking as a youth staff some last night after our class and that's when a lot of it came out.

Mostly we were talking about the Lady Gaga and then our kids out look and all that kind of thing. Which wasn't the greatest experience so that lent to the negativity.

But our lesson last night was about Where God is during Bad Times.

And really it was a GOOD lesson.

We even ended up going over. The kids were engaged and listening for the most part and participating.

We talked for a good bit about Lazarus. You know him right...Jesus' friend that died. Mary & Martha's Brother.

Probably best known as the dude Jesus raised from the dead.

That Lazarus.

And Mary says to Jesus, “If you had been here, my brother would not have died,”

The unspoken question is, “Why weren’t you here when I needed you most?” That question comes to our hearts and lips when death darkens our house, when our parent’s divorce, when the person we love does not return our affection. It is a profoundly personal question.
Jesus didn’t come to tell bad people to be good people or to explain away deep, unrelenting pain with soothing words.

Jesus did proclaim God’s promises to Martha.

Jesus did raise her brother Lazarus that day

but Jesus response first response on seeing the body of his friend was to weep.

But get this...I went back today and did more reading to see if I could find out more about why Jesus waited to get back to Judea where Lazarus was.

And this is what the scripture says,
John 11(4-6,11) “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” ...So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days...“Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up.” His disciples thought he meant actual sleep so ...
14 So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, 15 and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.”

So then the part with Mary takes place and Jesus raises Lazarus.

One of our main questions last night was why did God wait. And yes with out the back scripture one of the answers was for God to have the glory.
No one could questions if he was really dead after 4 days.

But one kiddo wanted to know why God would allow them to suffer. Why not show up 2hrs after he died and then raise him. And yes we can go with the whole some could question if he was really dead and all that, but I'm going to leave that alone here.

I do want to touch on the why God allowed them to suffer.

I wish I had an answer for that.

But I don't know that there is an answer. Not one that a person who is suffering will accept.

But I believe this. God is God....he is powerful, and mighty and loving.
Do we suffer sometime - yes- I believe that we all suffer sometimes.

Do I think that some people seem to suffer more? Yes I do. Some people's loads seem to be so much heavier than others. To the extent that it doesn't seem fair.

Take the girl in our group that had a baby last November, a baby that stayed in the NICU for almost 2 months, a baby that ended up dieing a few weeks after getting out of the hospital.

Does that suck? You bet it does! It's not something that my human mind understands or comprehends. And it is something I don't think it will until I get to heaven.

Do I think that God has his reasons? Of course. I could probably have a laundry list of ones right now in fact as to why a 17 yr old unmarried girl with a baby who was born over 11wks premature isn't ready or capable of being a mom yet.
But it's not my place to assume reasons. And let's face it if I offered any of those "reasons" to her it would be hurtful.
I do believe this above all when it comes to our suffering...

Hebrews 13:5b “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

No matter how much we suffer, we aren't suffering alone. Sometimes we may not see it till after we are out of the storm but it is still true, even if we never see it.

Going Gaga....

2011-04-05T15:56:00.000-05:00

Lady Gaga that is.

Last night I went to the Lady Gaga concert in Tulsa, OK.

There may be a few of you now thinking, hummm...she doesn't seem like a Gaga type.
Which aside from the upbeat tempo of her music I must say that there's not a TON that I truely like about her. (That's not negativity, just honesty).

So WHY was I at the concert last night?
Because it's what my best friend wanted for her Birthday. And sometimes you do things you don't really want to do for the people you love. And no one else wanted/would/could go with her. So I did.
And honestly ususally when we're hanging out together it doesn't matter what we are doing, I usually have a great time. Because she's my best friend and that's how it works with us.

Now before I start to really tell you about my experience I want to say that I'm not judging here...not intentionally. Really. And no words are going to be spoken in any malicous way. I'm just simply sharing my preception on the evening and the show. Also keep in mind that I didn't get home till 2:40am today and had to get up at 5:30 for work so I'm opperating on 2 1/2 hrs of sleep.

If there are those of you out there that are big fans of hers, well more power to you. And I'm sure you would love her concert.

To say I didn't LOVE her concert is a good way to sum it up.

Our very first experience with the concert was when we walked into the venue. There were people outside picketing. And by people I mostly mean "Christians". The reason I use "" there is because what I define a Christian to be is Christ-like. These people weren't being that, not most of them.
There were a few that were alright, just passing out tracts kindly with information on them. I don't know what the tract said - because I didn't take one, seeing that I already am saved. But other than the 2 like this I saw they weren't being nice. In fact HATEFUL is the word I would use. I had one guy basiaclly tell me or someone in my general direction that I was going to hell...funny, I didn't realize he was able to condem as God will do on judgment day. Then there were the people who were picketing, yelling, on the other side of the street with signs that said God hates Gaga, and so on. I didn't look in detail because really, I have no desire to see hate like that.

It made me sad really to be honest. To see people who were saying they were Christians (because that's what they were associated with- from what I could tell- I add this since I did not speak directly with any of them so I do not know) acting in this manner. Yes I believe in black & white but I believe that the root of the message of Christ is love ...

Mark 12:30-32 ---Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” ---

And if we are to show people that message being mean, nasty and hateful is not going to show them that Christ loves them. And how if you are acting that way will you get anyone to hear what you have to say? Yes you'll be noticed but not your message. To me these protesters were trying to show these people they are wrong instead of showing they are loved.
But anyhow...on to the concert experience.
First, let me say that there were 2 opening acts. The very first one I still do not understand. It was some weird person who came out on stage for 20min or so and jumped around playing different songs. It was horrible.
The "real" opening act was a group called Semi Prescious Weapons. And while their beat was ok, and some lyrics were catchy I really feel like there were just there for added shock value. The lead singer took his pants off during the first song and never put them back on. He had pantyhose on and fortunatly a long enough shirt to cover everything but other than that.... well let's just say when Maria would turn to me and say they weren't that bad my answer was usually -"But he doesn't have any PANTS ON!" It was CRAZY. And not the good kind like the mentally disturbed kind. Because really WHO DOES THAT!

And yes I'm sure some of you are thinking...."she was at a Lady Gaga concert" but really I had no clue or expectations when I arrived there.

One they were finished we had to wait for Gaga to come on. We waited an HOUR between the 2 acts.
Now maybe I'm just used to smaller or even Christian concerts so I don't know if this is a normal thing. But let me state this. Twenty minutes after the first act finished the stage was set. How do I know? Because where we were sitting I could see the actual stage behind the curtans. And all was done in that amount of time. -I'm not complaining though I will admit I am pretty sure I did last night, today I just think it's crazy and wonder if this is normal. **and No Gaga did not come out for the 1st number in a TOTALLY CRAZY COSTUME that would have warranted that much time, like I thought could have been the case.

-I have to "pause" this post, but want to post what I have so far, so look for part 2 of Going Gaga soon.

The Negativity Fast- DAY 4

2011-04-04T14:38:00.002-05:00

So today is day 4 of the Negativity Fast.

So far I think it’s going pretty well. I’ve only caught myself being negative a few times in the past few days.

Of course since it was on a Friday that we started today has been more of a challenge than the weekend was.

It’s pretty interesting though.

I find that I’m doing my best to make light of the irritating situations, and joke about some things along those lines as well.

AS well as give people more of the benefit of the doubt. Instead of just assuming or getting bent out of shape on things, I’m trying to think more.

To wonder if they have had a bad day.

After all if I have bad days and wake up on the wrong side of the bed some mornings it certainly stands a chance that they have days like that as well.

And thinking about things more, that’s usually a good thing (ok, except for those things that I tend to over think).

Like I said it’s been pretty good so far, I’m amazed at how good.

I am aware though that the work week has just started and that I will be out EXTREMELY late tonight so tomorrow may be rough.

But with God’s grace I can handle it. And I’m looking forward (only a little) to the challenge.

Here are a few shots I took with my IPhone from my run on Saturday...I need to get out there with my big camera soon before everything dies :o)

Pretty beautiful huh!

Tomorrow is the day.

2011-03-31T15:35:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is April 1st.

The start of the Negativity Fast.

The start of Focusing more of God's promises(vs. problems)
The start of (deliberately) speaking hope about things- even tough things
The start of looking for solutions (vs looking at the problem)
The start of not giving voice to pessimism, criticism (of myself or others)
The start of speaking of problems to the right people in the right way

The start of REPLACING negative words & thoughts with POSITIVE words & thoughts based on God's promises.

I'm feeling more positive about it already.

More hopeful about all of it.

Which is good. Great actually.

And I'm headed to the doctor's this afternoon, so this is a good time to start with the hopefulness and all of that.
Hopeful for answers, solutions and so on.
And also for speaking of the problems to the right people.
May God give me wisdom on how to speak to these doctors in a way that communicates the issues effectively.

(courtsey of Google images)

Finding the Whitespace...

2011-03-31T10:58:00.000-05:00

Today Bonnie @ Faith Barista talked about getting to her whitespace and even showed the journey in photographs.

I must say I was/am very impressed with that.

Since I'm a photo person, I get it by way of pictures.

So having the visual is a very nice thing for me. It's a way my mind really connects.

And while I wasn't sure how I got to my whitespace when she first started "talking" I realized as I sat here that- well- "that's it".

More often than not I get to my whitespace visually.

When I'm driving down the road, and I see beauty all around me, that is when I often feel most connect with God.

When there is a breathtaking sunrise or sunset my soul breathes a sigh or relief.

I also enter into my whitespace by lacing up my tennis shoes.

Going for a run outside allows me to clear away everything in my mind. It slows me down, while I have to focus on my breathing at first, it really allows my mind a chance to still. To stop thinking of everything else that is going on. I can pray, or think to God on the things going on in life, the needs, the blessings, just everything. I feel clearer. More focused, even when my body may be saying...are we done yet? My mind feels beyond better.

I know I am blessed to live in an area where, almost no matter where I am there is beauty all around me. Along the side of the road, traveling to church, to my parents house and yes of course on the running trail.

For me, I keep busy enough, sometimes probably too busy that these moments in the car or on the trail is where God is able to speak to me most, becuase that is where I am quiet. Where I am still.
And that is when he is able to really grab my attention.

What's wrong now...

2011-03-29T16:20:00.001-05:00

So I think this negativity fast is coming just in time.

I posted as my Facebook Status this afternoon... "Ugh"

And got a comment that said "what's wrong now?"

And that little question got me thinking....

Am I really complaining that much?

Honestly I don't know, because I guess I don't pay enough attention to it.

Which makes me think, what else is coming out of my mouth that I'm not paying attention to?

So I'm going to really do this Negativity Fast thing.

I may not do well in the beginning, but I'm going to do my best to really do this.

To commit fully.

And I like that it's not denying the problem but it is about finding HOPE in the situation.

Something I know I could use a lot more of. ;o)

It may be raining today but it's going to stop soon and even if it takes a little while the rain serves it's purpose.

With out it there will be no spring blossoms and that would really be sad.

I am thankful

2011-03-28T17:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I may not totally feel thankful but I'm trying.

And it seems like God is trying to tell me that maybe just maybe that's what I need to do.

Count my blessings, even if they seem like little blessings.

And cling to them.

As my world may seem to be falling around me, as times seem trying as I fight this health battle and the battle with the doctors, I STILL have SO MUCH to be thankful for.

As I stress in the little things, I should be focusing on the bigger things.

I am blessed.

Blessed to work for a great company.

Blessed to have SO MANY great friends.

Blessed to have not one but 2 wonderful churches that I get to attend regularly.

Blessed that I have a God who loves AND forgives me easily and readily.

I am BLESSED beyond what I really can see most of the time, and truly beyond what I feel.

But life isn't just about what you feel and I need to remember that.

My Saturday church is starting a Negativity fast April 1st. And I've decided to take part in it.

I think it will do me good to take my focus off the bad and look at the good.

I think it will help me possibly get my JOY back.

I'm excited but also a little nervous, but really, getting rid of some negativity can't be a bad thing.

Third Day Concert

2011-03-21T15:49:00.001-05:00

Ok peeps, I must say I have been a Third Day fan for a very long time now.
And they have ALWAYS put on a good show.

I can't even tell you how many times I have seen them preform. Since some friends of ours own a trucking company and have been driving for them for well over 10years now, we would usually get tickets anytime they were anywhere near us and go see them.

But it's been several years since we've gone to one of their concerts for some crazy reason.

However last night they were in Joplin, MO - just a hop, skip & a jump away from us. So we went to see them.

BEST CONCERT I've been to in a LONG time.

Tenth Avenue North was there with them as well as new artist Trevor Morgan. BOTH of which are totally worth listening too if you have any opportunity to see or hear them. Buy their Cd's!

Anyhow, Third Day is and probably always will be one of my favorite bands because they truly are behind what they sing. Maybe I feel more inclined to believe this because I know people who actually know them, or maybe it's because I just love the way they interact with fans at their concerts, or maybe it's because they GO & DO...with World Vision and things like that where they get behind a worthy project (FYI I can't even tell you how long ago they started partnering with World Vision.- it's been that long).

They aren't all about putting on a show (even though they are GREAT PERFORMERS) but they are all about bringing glory to God.

I've attached a few pictures and videos. I hope you enjoy the little taste of my fabulous night last night. (Excuse the quality- I only had my IPhone)

Today I feel like a big baby

2011-03-17T10:50:00.001-05:00

Make that a big whinny baby...

So if you don't want to hear me complain just stop reading now.

I promise I will understand.

But I do want to ask, Do you ever feel lonley?
Even in a crowd of people, friends or family, do you ever find yourself to be lonley?

Today I feel lonely.

I feel like no matter what I do I can't seem to get someone who is there for me.

I feel let down by people.

And yes I know these are stupid feelings.

I have plenty of friends who love and care about me.
And I know I am very blessed with friends all across this globe, great, wonderful friends.

I also know I'm a big girl who can do things on her own without others.

But the truth of the matter is sometimes I simply don't want to.

This weekend is one of those times.

There are things this weekend that I want to do.

Things that I'm sure if I did them alone I'd be just fine but the truth is I just don't want to do them alone.

I feel insecure this week...and doing things alone when I feel insecure isn't fun.

At least not for me.

And I've tried and tried and tried to find someone to do these things with me this weekend, but nothing is working out.

And it just flat out sucks.
But I don't want to tell my friends who don't really have anything going on (because that's what some of it is, they just don't want to- and I do understand I really do- I promise there are no hard feelings about them saying no) that my heart just really could use someone right now.

Because the last thing I want is for one of them to do it out of guilt.

Because even if I'm alone, I think I may prefer that out of someone being there because they feel obligated.

Do you ever feel this way?

This is something I wrote last night, after getting home from church- I was feeling pretty bad physically which is what the pain is refering to, but I know that today the pain also applies to my heart.

I wish there was someone here that knew how I felt
I wish I had a good single friend to be able to hang out with

I wish the pain would go away
I wish the hormones would level out

But wishing doesn't usually do a thing
So instead I'll hope. Or hang on to hope.
God has a plan in all this. I will trust him in it.
I will believe that he wants good things for me.
I will rest on him.
Even when the pain is great. Or the mood swings greater
He is greatest
Able to handle them all

-----And today I really am trying to cling to him to believe that last part that I wrote last night but I'm struggling in it. More than I want to admit to anyone, but I am.
But aside from you guys, no one will know.

So keep that in mind today and other days- sometimes a person can be smiling on the outside- be they stranger or friend - and not fully smiling on the inside.

And here's another question- How do you go about meeting and connecting with other ladies?

I'm trying to take more steps to get connected with other christian females, even to the extent that I'm going to start going to the Women's Bible Study at the NEW church on Monday nights. (It means cutting out that night for running unless I hit the gym at 7 but I need more friends and this is one of the only ways I'll hopefully get them).

But I KNOW there are other lonely women out there too...how do we connect with one another?

"Blessings"

2011-03-11T10:04:00.000-06:00

So this is a song I've been hearing on the radio a lot lately. And a friend just happened to share the store behind the song via Facebook.

It's a great song, one that I've been looking for since hearing it about 2weeks ago but Itunes doesn't have it, yet. So my guess is I'm going to have to head to the Christian bookstore to find it.

If you are stuggling with anything - anything at all- I really really recomend taking the time to listen to the song (that's the 2nd video)
and just close your eyes- allow God to speak to you through it.
Soak in his love for you no matter what you have going on. No matter what you feeling.

Faith Barista- Creative Rest

2011-03-10T16:35:00.000-06:00

So today’s Faith Barista Jam is about Creative Rest.

Actually the series right now is on Rest in general.

And I must say it’s perfect timing for me. Since things with the health are as they are I’m feeling somewhat forced into some rest at least a little more than what I’m used to.

But as most of you know Photography is one of my hobbies. I feel as if I’ve been taking pictures my whole life or just about. Since my Aunt was always one with the camera and one day started passing it to me.

It’s a hobby that in the last few years has turned a little bit into a business.

One that I didn’t seek out, that just kinda happened.

In fact I started taking pictures of a co-worker’s daughter and it just has gone from there, where it progressed to her family, then to referrals of friends of there, then members of my church.

My best friend now has a company (she’s been taking pictures since we were in HS) and I’ll be co shooting some weddings with her this summer. Which has been really nice, us having a hobby that we both share one that allows us to get away for girl time some (she’s married with 4 kiddos- you know total opposite of me).

But here’s the thing of it, with adding the business aspect into it my hobby can get to where it feels like work.

The work of taking on the jobs, then the editing (which most have no idea what that actually takes), and for me the stress of simply wanting to make sure everyone is happy.

Happy with the price and the outcome.

As one who hasn’t had any formal training in Photography I must recognize that this talent is a gift from God.

And there are times that gift feels like a burden. With the whole use it or lose it mentality I don’t want to just set it aside. And if business is coming my way I don’t want to turn it down, I feel that may be something God is preparing for me.

But what about the aspect of it that I really enjoy, getting outside at the beginning of spring to take some shots. Going on adventures around the world and allowing people to see that though my eyes.

Giving a family that may not be able to afford to have photographs taken of their child because they don’t have a budget built for that.

Or my favorite aspect of it…the one that ties into my mission work. That one that shows that glimpse of need where we are, that shows a little window into that world.

Those are my favorites. Those are what make my heart sing.

That is where I must tell myself, yes if doing a wedding pays for part of a mission trip or a mom a photo of her baby… I’ll do it. Even with the pressure involved. Because it allows me to do what makes my heart sing.

Here are just a few of some of my favored shots from here and there.

I hope you enjoy them.

Oh What a Night...

2011-03-09T16:55:00.000-06:00

Last night was one of the worst nights ever.

I was in intense pain from 8:30pm on. Meaning I was curled up on the floor with my heating pad on my front and the space heater blowing on my back all night long. I was told putting the space heater in bed with me would not be a good idea. Which is why I was on the floor.

I seriously thought I was going to go to the ER for a time period. But since I HATE the hospital and there is NOTHING they could really do for me why spend the time in agony there plus all that money.

So I went into work late today- after not sleeping all night from the pain- then went to the doctor. Where they pretty much again can tell me nothing.

She did put me on antibiotics and gave me some pain killers in case I have another night like last night.

So I made an appointment with a regular doctor (not my gyno) to have my bladder and all that checked out.
I'll do that next Tuesday, since I was on Acutane a few years ago and there are now many new side effects from it we may have an issue stemming from that. Who knows...but I'm tired of wondering.

Then I made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. There are only 2 close by one in Little Rock and one in Oklahoma City. I'll go see the one in Little Rock on April 8th. Then we'll go from there.

And I'll be honest after a night like last night I am at a point on where does this leave me with my faith.

I don't want to be one of those people who only relies on God when things are good. I want to be leaning in on Him when things are tough. And I feel like I've done that these past few months, that I've done it with all the emotional turmoil and all that. That as things have gotten to this point I've trusted, waited on him for healing and all that.
But I'll be honest after a night like last night I'm frustrated. I feel hopelessness creeping in. And I don't like that but with everything going on I don't know what to do.

I have my little desk calendar from Dayspring- it's Holley Gerth's "Bring the Rain" one. And I love it usually.
(fyi Holly has a GREAT blog -check it out here )
Today's little nugget was this:

Lord, thank you that my life is in your hands. You are the one who offers me ultimate security no matter what happens. I release my fear to you and ask you to replace it with trust in you. Amen.

And it was great to read that really- but I somewhat wonder if I can release that fear. I know deep down I want to- that it's the right thing to do but I just don't know that I'm in a place where I can.

So if you read this. Please pray for me. I sure could use it.

I just really want some answers.

What to write...

2011-03-08T13:32:00.000-06:00

I'm at a place right now where I don't know what to write. I've been drawing a blank for almost a week now. Even to the point that I didn't blog in the Jam this past thursday...something I hate not participating it.
But since this past jam was about REST I decided that it would be ok to miss it if rest is what I needed to do. And boy did I need to give my thoughts a rest. After all sometimes I can totally over think things. And that was certainly going on.....

This past week I've been struggling with my health.

Not that anything has really changed, since honestly things don't seem to ever change anymore.

But I'm frustrated.

As of Thursday afternoon I'm now on BC. The Mirena to be exact.

I never thought I'd be on BC, never wanted to be on BC.
And honestly the placement of this device really sucked.
It was painful.
And I've been in pain since then.

And I was thinking this morning, I can't remember the last time I felt well.

Now don't get me wrong I can feel "good" with out feeling well and healthy.

And I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that there are no answers.

That they can't seem to tell me why I'm clotting and bleeding 20 days of the month.
That's right there are approximately 10 days in a month that I'm not doing some form of bleeding.

But there are no answers as to why.

When I went in for my appointment Thursday I was bleeding, which really, there's no way to know when I'm not going to be so you just do what you got to do right. And the whole point on my going on BC is to stop the bleeding. Because "it's not good for me to bleed that often" which is just kinda a duh statement if you ask me.
And then after she finished placing it, my doctor asked me how long I've been doing that (the clotting) which I discussed at length with her on my last visit. Which was the beginning of February. Yes, the fact that she asked that question really irritated me. A lot because what was the point of the discussion if she can't make note of it in my chart or read my chart before this appointment.

I again asked her if there was any reason why this is happening.
She seems to think that the clots won't stick to my wall and that is what is causing me to clot like this all the time. Which has me thinking, if a clot won't stick, won't that mean a baby probably isn't going to stick either?

So yes, one more concern with my health now.

I can tell I'm on a hormone spike right now, which is probably why I'm as frustrated as I am but really? At this point, if she can't give me an answer it's time for a specialist. Time to see someone who can tell me something other than "I don't know why".

and while knowing I need to do that I have to admit one thing...

I'm scared.

to death.

Because there are so many "what ifs" out there that they could tell me is causing all this.

And what if it's something bad?

What if nothing (short of a hysterectomy) can fix things?

And what if they tell me I'll never have kids?

Personally I really would like to curl into a ball and hide from it all.

But that's not going to solve anything either is it.
So here we go looking for a new doctor, someone who specalizes in all these things and hopefully someone who can give me some answers.

Forgive yourself- he already has.

2011-02-24T09:38:00.000-06:00

(the one of my local views)

Can you forgive yourself?

I know that for me when it comes down to it I really have a hard time forgiving myself. It’s almost always been this way.
At least as much as I can recall.
Especially with anything considered “big”.

And often I get myself mixed up with God when it comes to these things. (Though Really- don’t we all often times place ourselves in the God position where we want to control things or take care of them ourselves, or even place ourselves in the seat of judgment- aganist others or ourselves?)

But is that how God works?
Nope. No way, No How.

Thank goodness!

And It amazes me, God’s forgiveness. Why?

Because it’s so clear. So definite, so FINAL.

He doesn’t forgive us then bring that sin back up to us later on. Saying “Hey remember when you did that?” Pointing out our flaws.
He doesn’t hold it against us when we sin again (sometimes the same sin) and say “*sigh* - again, didn’t you learn anything last time we went down this road?”.

Nope. Why?
Because they are gone from him.

Psalm 103:12
As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

He’s removed them.

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

SO I’ve confessed.
He’s faithful to forgive and he has.

I’m one of those people where I believe you can’t pick and choose what you believe in the Bible. If you’re going to believe part of it you better believe all of it. So I have to take the head knowledge from some of these verses and transfer them to my heart. And quote them over and over to get them to settle into my soul where I will believe them.

It’s amazing to me how God is using different people who have no idea what happened this past year to help me through this.

In fact both of my pastors (one from my Saturday night church and then one from my Sunday church) touched on the issue I face. The issue of letting go of my past.

One of them was speaking about our identity in Christ (you can listen to the sermon here . You’ll want the ones called Identity: the key to everything- 1,2 &3)

He talked about our personality versus our persona and the difference between the two of them.

"Our identity is made of 2 things: Who you are on earth, which is your personality and How you are known in heaven, which is your persona." (thanks-Pastor Stan)

And he touched on how we need to see ourselves as God sees us. Letting go of looking at our past- that’s who we were not who we are. God sees us as present future not present past.
(I’ll be honest I often see myself present past more than who I am becoming.)

My other pastor spoke on moving forward from our past as well. He mentioned that God will give us everything that we need to succeed, we just have to have the faith to keep going no matter what is going on around us. And mentioned this verse:

Philippians 3:12-14
Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Take a good look at Paul who is speaking here. Before he knew Christ he was super religious. A priest’s priest is what I believe I’ve heard him called. He had the law down to a T and had the pedigree to go along with it. But before he KNEW Christ he was killing Christians.

Yet he says those words…
"forgetting those things that are behind me”…

So won’t you join me today in pressing on toward the goal. Forgetting what lies behind and going forward into the forgiveness that God has for us.
I know for me it may be something that I always struggle with but I truly believe that God wants us to see ourselves as he sees us. Forgiven and loved.

Sadness...please pray.

2011-02-18T15:57:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
Today I got one of those texts that you never want to get.

It was from the SR High Youth Pastors from the church I work as Jr High Youth Pastor.

One of our 17yr old girls who had a premature baby girl "K", this past December, who had finally gotten home about 2 weeks ago. K who seemed to be doing so well in terms of growth, and health finally, died last night in her sleep.

They believe it to have been SIDS at this point.

But regardless of the why "K's" mom and family are hurting pretty badly right now.

I don't understand the why in this.

And I do believe that God does have a plan.

That he is still in control in all of it.

But that doesn't make it any easier on them right now.

Please pray for "K's" family as they go through this very hard time right now.

Please pray for wisdom for all of us that are going to be working with any of them. Especially the Christians in this. That we will have HIS words to speak, not our own.

Pray for her momma that she will cling to Him in all of this. Pray for the depression that I'm sure may come.
Pray for all of that.... and however you feel God leading you to pray.

I know that there is nothing I can do on my own for her or any of them. But I pray that God will use me in a way to bring comfort to them even if it is in some very small way.

Personally I just feel heartbroken for all of them.

Even though I know that little "K" is in the arms of our loving Father right now.

He Loves Me....

2011-02-17T09:31:00.000-06:00

When I first started looking for a picture for this post I wanted one of the daisy with the petals pulled, not all but some.

But I couldn't find what I was looking for. And that gave me a moment to think.

I don't need one like that.

You know how it works with that game..."He loves me" (pull a petal), "He loves me not" (pull a petal),...and so on till there are no petals left on the daisy or whatever flower you have chosen.

He doesn't work that way.

There is never a time where "HE LOVES ME NOT"...and that ME includes You.

No matter where I am on this journey, no matter what I feel or think or believe.

He never is saying " I love you not".

He is always saying I love you.

I know for me, in all my "human-ness" I often have a hard time latching onto that.
In believing that this could really be true. That he never stops loving me.

Last year was a rough year for me. I chose to make a lot of bad choices when it came down to it. Choices that went against what he had for me. Choices that lead me to a place that I cannot imagine that he would have had me go.
But that doesn’t mean I was ever going at it alone.
That he had ever walked away from me and stopped loving me.
That he wasn’t ever there calling to me, wanting me to return.
Waiting for me to return.

Loving me through it.

This year- as I’ve been going through the emotional healing from all that took place last year I can see he is and has been with me every step of the way.

I can see his love being poured out…I can see it covering.
Proverbs 10:12 …Love covers all sins.

I’m discovering that I can feel his love as well.
I may not feel it when my focus is on me.
When I take my eyes off him, it is often then that I miss what he is doing, that I miss the things has for me.
And that eventually I miss him.

God loving us isn’t contingent on our loving him!
(THANKGOODNESS right!- I know I fall so short on all of that so very often).
But just like our relationships here on Earth, our relationship with him needs to be nurtured as well.
Not neglected. Tended too.
We need to water it like we water our flowers, tend to the soil with prayer and reading our Bibles.

Yet, even when we don’t do these things he doesn’t stop loving us. But I discover so much more about how he loves me, how he cares for me, how he wants the best for me when I am nurturing that relationship with him. When I’m seeking his face, getting to know him better.

I know I never have to question if “HE LOVES ME” he always does and always will.
And I am so thankful to be on this journey to find out just how much he does love me.

I hope you take the time in your walk with him to find out how much he loves you too.

I've always loathed this day...

2011-02-14T21:55:00.000-06:00

So I've always loathed Valentine's Day, ok, for as long as I remember. Which means I may have liked it back when I was five but I know later on in Elementary school I didn't care for it.

I never have liked the way it seemed to have the power to make people feel bad. Once you hit the age of not having to give everyone in your class a Valentine's Day card it just seems like someone will get their feelings hurt or surely has the potential to do that.

Now, I'll be honest, aside from last year I never had a Valentine. Now that doesn't mean I haven;t gotten things on Valentine's Day. I've had random guys who got the courage to send things or bring them to my house when I was younger.
I've even had "nut jobs" who for years sent flowers to my office and signed it as my secret admirer.
So it's not about not getting anything from someone on that day.

But I've always, been one that if I'm going to get flowers or something (though I do really like flowers) from someone expressing their love I don't want them on the day where the florist has basically told them to send them to me.

I want them to send them on their own. I know some people think it's unrealistic to believe a guy will do this but it's how I feel.

I also have always felt that everyday should be a day where you tell someone you love them. You should never be waiting to show someone till Valentine's Day, since we are never promised another day this just seems like a bad idea to me.

This year though Hallmark released a new commercial about what Valentine's Day mean. That it's not a day to say I love you but a day to say I love US.
I must admit that whoever came up with this did an AMAZING job!
I've posted the link from YouTube to watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYrbOUOxlOE

I wanted to post the actual video but couldn't get it to work, sorry about that.
But watch it if you have a sec. It's pretty cute.

And don't worry about me or my lack of Valentines this year.
God sent me an amazing sunrise this morning, and HE is the best Valentine ever.
My deep hope is that you will make him yours too if you haven't already and if you have that you will remember how much he loves you too!

John :16
For God so loved the world (*hint that's you and me)
That he gave his one and only Son
that whoever believes in him shall not perish
but have eternal life.

May you remember all he has given you today and everyday.
Flowers in the spring, s sunrise and sunset everyday, green grass, clear blue waters, trees,
and anything else that catches your eye...see he is wooing us everyday.

**not the best pic but I was driving to work.

Product Review- Dayspring/ (in)courge

2011-02-11T08:01:00.002-06:00

I have the opportunity to do my first product review!

To be honest I was a little nervous when I got the email stating that I was selected to do the review. After all I've never done anything like this before.

But I am a HUGE fan of Dayspring, from their cards, to their home decorating things, to their jewelery everything I've gotten from them before I've loved. So I thought why not?

I'm reviewing the God's Heart for You Necklace.

And with Valentines day right around the corner - A holiday that personally I tend to loathe but always celebrate by passing out little cards to the ladies I work with, I picked this month to do the review. Because whether you are one who has been married for years, married just a little while, engaged, single and want to get something for yourself or maybe you are looking for something for your daughter or sister or just a girl you think could use a little something nice.

This necklace is PERFECT for all of those people.
When I wear this necklace I am instantly reminded of the things God speaks to me, over me, the TRUTH that is even when I'm having a hard time believing it.

I love that each word has a corresponding scripture that goes along with it.
CREATED- Psalm 139:14
CHOSEN- Deuteronomy 14:2
CELEBRATED- Zephaniah 3:17
CHERISHED- Jeremiah 31:3

And really I would take this not just on Valentines day but any day of the year.

I think all the words could be great conversation starters as well. What a wonderful way to be able to share the love of God with someone by telling them about each meaning on here in how he loves you.

This necklace also comes in a little velvet envelope, one that is perfect for gift giving and also comes with the card showing each scripture written out.

This is definitely a piece I will happily treasure in my jewelry collection.

Communicating...

2011-02-10T22:13:00.000-06:00

(courtsey of google images)

So I got a text Tuesday....

From the Ex.

Wanting to know if I'd gone to lunch yet. And if I hadn't if I'd pick him up, take him with me and he'd buy mine.

The reasoning, he sold his jeep and didn't have a way to get anywhere. He also started a new job this week. So...I guess no one there could take him.

I don't really know. I do know we haven't communicated much these past few months.

So it was a little awkward with us at lunch...which I totally didn't go to alone. Fortunately I already had plans with two of the girls I work with so they came along. One of them protested the whole time...stating that I didn't need to do that and I should just tell him no.

But what can I say...I felt bad telling him no since he knew I hadn't gone to lunch yet, and I've said we could be friends.

But now, I really wish I hadn't seen him.

See he texted yesterday and we texted some today.

And yes I asked him why he texted me Tuesday tonight, because I wanted to check his motives. He said it was just lunch and he didn't have a car and was starving and it was hard to pass up a good lunch with good company. So... I let him know I did remember he didn't have a car but also reminded him that we hadn't communicated much in the past few months.

He apologized for stirring the pot. So I told him it was OK but that I just needed to know.

Truth is he's "supposed" to have a girl he's seeing. I don't know that he still his but I personally don't want to know in case he isn't.

And I know this, if he does ask about lunch again. I'll be saying no.

He can go with someone else. But I'm not getting with him again.
It's too hard for my heart still.

And it makes me sad again.

So after tonight I won't be texting again either.

I should mention that I've saved him in my contacts as "BAD IDEA". Because communicating with him is just that. Being with him was a bad idea.
Bad for my heart, bad for my relationship with God. And bad for me period.

That doesn't mean I don't love him. Still...

I believe a part of me will always love him.

I know there is a part of me that longs to have him see God, who God really is and accept Christ.

And yes a part of me longs to see where that would leave the 2 of us. Silly, I know.
And something that may never happen...even if he did accept Christ. Which my heart aches for more than anything else in the world.

I'm choosing to believe that the reason we are in contact again is because God has a purpose for all of it. I'm choosing to believe that God is working on his heart. And I'm going to HOPE for that one thing that I long for most.
His salvation.

But I'm not going to sacrifice myself, my relationship with God or my heart for it again.

No matter how much I want it, no matter how much I love him.

Because no matter if I want to deny it, there still is love there in my heart for him.
After all my heart wouldn't be aching tonight if there wasn't.

*** side note- I choose the picture for a specific reason. My heart may be hurting still but I know who is holding it now is the one who will keep it safe (&contiue to heal it) until the time that HE tells me I've met my future husband and then it will be free and safe to give.

Faith Barista Jam- Single Thoughts on Marriage

2011-02-10T11:54:00.001-06:00

This weeks topic was a little rough for me too. I'm not really sure what I would want to be told about marriage or what I have to tell on it.

(courtesy of google images)

As you know, if you've been following my blog or even if you just read the info at the top I'm single. So I don't know marriage on the personal level as I've never been married.

One thing I've learned from watching people is that no one is perfect.
OK so maybe I've learned that little fact just from life it's self.

And marriage doesn't suddenly make life perfect. Often from what I can tell it just takes your problems and multiplies it by two. You have any problems and issues you had before you were married and it takes your significant other's problems and issues and adds them together.

But it also adds someone to work through those problems and issues with you. Someone you can talk things though with, bounce ideas for problem solving with, someone to pray things over with.

I know that one thing I look for in a significant other is someone who is going to draw me closer to God.

I am realistic enough to know though that whoever he is going to be he's not going to be perfect. He may have bad days- heck I'm pretty sure that's going to be a given. But I'll have bad days too. Just like I have bad days now.

My hope in marriage is that he and I will complement each other. That where I am weak he will be strong and vice verse.

My hope is that we will be willing to work through anything together.

Because I believe that a good marriage is a working marriage. That even once you're married you're not entering suddenly into your happily ever after.
And I think that's something all women need to know.

Especially the younger ones, who have idealized dreams on what marriage should be.

Marriage just like life takes work. And no matter who your price charming is he may not always seem charming to you. but that doesn't mean you should throw in the towel. That's the time when you should dig deep, remember the good qualities you saw when were dating, the qualities that helped lead you to say yes when he asked you to marry him. Focus in on those when the times are tough.

And remember your vows from when you married.

For better or worse, in most cases is what you said. Which was an insight into your future even if you didn't know it.

There are going to be worse times, but remember it's once we've gotten through the worst times that we truly appreciate the better times that life brings.

Allow that thought to comfort you if you're married and struggling. The bad times won't last forever, lean on one another and lean into God together.

And I think that marriage is one additional (because really we should put this in pratice everyday even if we aren't married) to put the following verses into pratice. And it should be something all of us singles (male or female) look for in our future spouse.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Focus in Mark...

2011-02-07T14:28:00.001-06:00

The Internet has been down all weekend in our house. We can’t seem to figure out the why behind it but hopefully we can get something resolved with our provider before our next snow storm hits.

After all it’s just dreadful to be stuck in the house, let alone be stuck there with no access.

And of course all weekend I wanted to get on and write but since I wanted to and had so many things to write about I couldn’t. Doesn’t it always seem to be that way? ;o)

So I’ve been thinking about lots of things, but one of the main things I’ve been thinking about is my health.

(courtesy of google images)

After going to the Doctor and wondering what is going on. And there not being any real answer to why everything is happening, I can’t help but be confused about what to do next. It doesn’t seem like there are really many options at this point.

My doctor wants me to go on birth control. The method she wants to use is the Mirena IUD– which can be there for 5 years unless removed before that time frame; A method that won’t bring pain relief, but will help with the bleeding. (And one that after discussion with my doctor really does seem like the best option, I’m just a tad freaked out by the time frame.) It will allow me to still be able to be aware of what’s going on, and not hormonally mask all that other stuff, so if I’m going to do this it seems to be the right thing to do.

But it is still something I have never wanted to do. No I can’t think of a real reason why I’ve always had this stance, it’s just something that have never seemed to be for me. I worry with our family history of stroke and some of the other factors behind all of it, side effect and etc that it just doesn’t feel safe.

At least not to me.

But my doctor assures me that she thinks it will be safe for me. That I’m not one of the ones she would consider high risk.

But still I’m stressed about it. Uneasy.

I’ve put off the appointment for a month. To give myself some time to really think about it. But ever since my appointment (or possibly even a little before) my mind has been drawn to the store in the Bible of the woman with the issue of blood.

Mark 5:25-34
Now a certain woman had a flow of blood for twelve years, and had suffered many things from many physicians. She had spent all that she had and was no better, but rather grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came behind Him in the crowd and touched His garment. For she said, “If only I may touch His clothes, I shall be made well.” Immediately the fountain of her blood was dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of the affliction. And Jesus, immediately knowing in Himself that power had gone out of Him, turned around in the crowd and said, “Who touched My clothes?” But His disciples said to Him, “You see the multitude thronging You, and You say, ‘Who touched Me?’” And He looked around to see her who had done this thing. But the woman, fearing and trembling, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth. And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be healed of your affliction.”

Now, don’t get me wrong I’ve not been suffering this that long. Thankfully. But since this scripture has been going through my mind I’ve been picturing myself reaching out to grab hold of Jesus’ robe, to grab hold of my healing.

Now, I can’t say I’m feeling the “Immediate” healing that the woman felt. I still have pain. (I’m not at the point of the additional bleeding again this month so I don’t know about that part).

But I’m trying to cling to my healing. I’m asking for prayer, which is hard for me. Very hard and totally crazy right, after all I’m one of those people who usually offers to pray for people right out of the gate. But it’s hard for me to ask, yet I’m making myself do it in this case. Even asking some people to ask me how I’m doing so I’m forced to share. Because while I’m very open here, on my blog, there aren’t a lot of people in my personal life I’m really open with about the things that are happening and have happened that are hard, (which goes back to the whole thing of being the one people go to too get strength so I’m often left feeling that there’s no one for me to go to and lean on).

But any how my thoughts are straying, like I said I’m asking for prayer. And I did that Saturday night from a friend at church, and when she prayed- the story of the woman with the issue of blood came up, which I truly believe is God speaking through it again. And in it coming up has brought a sense of comfort with it.

I also will say that as I cling to it, even though mine so far doesn’t seem to be immediate, I am believing for it, hoping for it , trying my best to have the faith it takes to be healed but to also admit that I often feel like this guy-

Mark 9:23-24
Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

Knowing that I am human and I do struggle with what my body still says- i.e. the pain I still feel; But choosing to believe that God is going to heal me. That the pain and the issues that I’m feeling are going to stop or that if my healing will come medically, that God will give me the peace about going that route. Even if I do hope for the supernatural healing to occur, I choose to believe that God can and will use other means if that’s what it’s going to take.

so I wrote...

2011-02-05T00:04:00.000-06:00

So I wrote a letter to the "New Guy"...one that didn't say much but well, it- Thanked him -basically for ending things last week with me.

I know...kinda odd right?

But that's part of who I am.

I'm a communicator. But I'm also a letter writer.

Often.

You could ask the EX or my dear friend in England about them though personally I think the EX just blew them off and all that.

Though I will say I was usually pretty good about making sure that I didn't write angry letters. Which never does any good in my opinion. But then again by the time I started sending them I think he knew me pretty well.

Which leaves me in a spot on this one...

Do I send it?

See the New Guy, doesn't know me, not yet at least.

(And yes I wonder if I should call New Guy the Ex now since we are no longer dating but I don't think 3 dates makes you an Ex, at least not for me).

And so I wonder, should I send it.

He seems like a nice guy and the intent behind the letter is to be nice but to also hopefully clear a little bit of what seems like awkwardness between us.

Since I'm still going to his church on Saturday nights.

Which in all fairness to me isn't really "his" church since I know about 5 other people that go there as well.
People I didn't know went there before I decided to check it out.

But no less I like the church, it's a nice change of pace for me. Going to a church where no one needs anything from me. One where I'm not the one of the youth leaders, but just a girl in the congregation.
One where I can fully get into worship so easily. (I LOVE the worship there, if I got nothing else from this place I think I would go for that alone).

SO I don't intend to stop going there. At least not anytime soon.

So I hold on to my letter. One I would send, normally right away.

One that's been in my purse since Monday.

Waiting.

Because a part of me does still care what this guy thinks.

But I'm not sure if I care more about what the potential boyfriend thinks/thought or what the potential friend thought/thinks?

OR how it will be accepted.

If it will be accepted.

Maybe not.

But maybe good.

So I'll keep that letter in my purse for now.

Till I get a feeling on what to do with it.

And ladies, please pray for me. Healthwise it was a rough day.

Good news though from the Doc- it's not the thyroid.

Faith Barista JAM- Unwrapping Love

2011-02-03T08:06:00.000-06:00

What I Wished Someone Told Me About Dating

That's the subject for this week's jam.

(courtesy of google images)

WHAT I WISHED SOMEONE TOLD ME ABOUT DATING...

Wow! I honestly don't know what to write for this one.

To be honest I don't feel like I have any advice to give.

I haven't done a lot of dating myself.
In fact aside from a short time in my late teens and early twenties, plus the one guy I dated last year and the 3 dates I had with New Guy, I have no dating history.

If I were going to ask for something to be told to me, that's hard.
There's so much I wish people would tell.

Personally I feel like I'm SO bad at dating.

So if I could have someone tell me something it would probably be some good tips.

Things that girls -good christian girls- should and shouldn't do on dates.

Things to tell to the other person and not to tell.

As I struggle with my health that's often a question in my mind. (Not to mention that bad path I went down last year).

Should I say something about it? After all right now it is a big part of who I am. How I behave even, as my hormones spike up and down and I feel like a nut case. Even though I know that I'm not.

Maybe tips like how guys think, or even how they don't think would be nice.

But I think if I were to give a tip on dating there is one main one-

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

If something seems off, then you're probably right.
Take things with the New Guy- I could tell he wasn't feeling it even if he didn't want to admit it.

And trust what your heart is telling you. There were times I had to talk myself up for going out with him.
In most cases if you're doing that he's not the right guy. Or maybe you're not ready. And if that's the case that's ok too.

I know that right now I'm not really ready to be dating anyone. After things with the Ex ending not long before I started seeing the New Guy, I needed time to wrap my head around what was going on. And my heart still needed time to heal. I do kinda think that the New Guy was good for me. I wonder if I would have ended up going back to the Ex yet again if it hadn't been for him.

Kinda makes me want to thank the New Guy.

And it definitely makes me hopeful, that there is someone out there for me.

And that God will bring him when the time is right.

Of course, come February 14th I may not feel so optimistic.

I like doctors?....

2011-02-02T19:12:00.000-06:00

Not really, not usually, but I went to the doctor this afternoon.

To finally see what was going on with the pain & the bleeding and all that.

And over all it was a GREAT appointment.

I talked to my doctor about what's going on, the symptoms, showed her everything I'd written down for the last month.
Ask questions I could think of. Cried a little- which she assured me is normal.

She understood my frustration and feels it too.

But it comes down to we don't know why.

It doesn't make sense. Why I'm getting more cysts and why they are causing pain like this.

She said that in some cases that we can have issues in our early twenties- which I did- then things settle down and then start back up after we hit 30. Which is exactly what mine did.

(courtesy of Google images)

The white cyst (above) is almost exactly what mine from November looked like. Apparently this is something we all get monthly.

Below is what endometrosis looks like in some cases. And not what mine looks like.

(courtesy of Google images)

She even asked if I would wait so we could look at some pictures of Endometrosis and all that, and compare them them to my photos from surgery in November. So unless it is endometrosis that is in my uterine wall it probably isn't that- but the only way to know that is when they cut it in sections and look it it after it's all been taken out- so that is NOT a possibility for me anytime soon. However it's possible that it is microscopic endometrosis but the only way to know that as well is to do random biopsies to see if we can find it and the odds that we would aren't favorable.

Then we talked options. The main thing being birth control, because we want to get the bleeding to stop. And she let me know what would or could happen with that. As well as the different types and all that.

She did drop the H word- hysterectomy. Which we hope is not going to be needed for a long time but if things keep going the way they are she thinks it will be a possibility, but she thinks I could have time to still have kids and all that.

Which was nice to hear.

She also sent me over to the lab to have my thyroid tested. And put me on some iron tablets, since all the "extra" bleeding has taken my anemia to a new level.

All in all it went well. I do wish we knew the why on all of this happening but till we get to that point I guess this will do.

I feel ok with all of it. And it was really nice for her to show me with the pictures that I don't have the endometrosis. At least that we can tell.

I'm glad it was a snow day- I think it allowed her to give me more time. Which is just what I needed.

So now I will wait, think about my option, how I'm going to pay for that, and pray.

And pray and pray...that God will grant this body healing.

No matter what is going on, even if I don't know or my doctor doesn't know, HE knows.
And I'm going to trust him for all of this.

One Day at a time...

2011-02-02T12:47:00.000-06:00

Well, today's the day.

I finally head to the doctor this afternoon.

Granted with the snow fall from yesterday and today it will take at least an extra hour to get there I'm sure.

But at least I'm going...well, hopefully. I say that since I haven't tried to get out in it yet. But I sure hope that I can get out in it to get there.

I've got my book with the things that have been going on all month.

Hopefully we can get some answers for the pain and everything else that's going on.

SO I'm hopeful and optimistic this morning.

Now all I need is to be able to get my car out of the garage.

drawing a blank

2011-02-01T19:33:00.000-06:00

We have a snow day here today.

They are calling for up to 14 inches of snow in our area.
Something that I don't recall happening in a really long time if ever in our little northwest Arkansas town.

So I'm stuck at home for now, something I'm not a big fan of. Being stuck. I tend to go a little stir crazy after one day in the house. Though I can say I enjoyed sleeping in till about 9:30 this morning.

I do wish that people wouldn't text so much in the morning though. :o) Even on silent I still hear my phone.
But any how...that's not what I got on to write about.

Funny thing is there are times I wish I could get in front of my computer and just write it all out.
And then more often than not, when I do finally have time to write nothing comes.
I'm not sure why.
It's just been that way lately.

It happened again today.

I sat here all day with the computer on and then couldn't write.

Even though this morning I knew what I wanted to write about, what I wanted to say even.

SO gurrr...this is a little frustrating.

Oh well though.

Here's a snow shot for you....stay warm wherever you are.

Oh you can't tell but its still snowing here!

Faith Barista Jam- Hope Now

2011-01-27T08:16:00.000-06:00

Today's topic for the Faith Barista Jam is Hope.

HOPE.
One of my favorite words in the world honestly.
I know that if I ever have a little girl some day I really want to name her Hope. (hopefully that will be ok with my husband ;o) )

Hope wasn't my word for 2011 but HOPE has always been my word. For me HOPE is often that thing that keeps me going in the tough times.

When I feel like life is getting to be too much.

When I see the world falling around me.

When I see disaster here, there, or everywhere.

When all I really want is to be wrapped in his arms or walking on his streets in heaven.

HOPE is what fans the flame- sometimes the very faint flame- inside me.

I looked up the definition for Hope this morning and was a little surprised that there are so many for it.
Some that I'm a fan of some that are just ok if you ask me.

But here's what they are... I've underlined the ones that I personally really like. (Made the ones I LOVE bigger)

-noun
1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2. a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3. grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4. a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5. something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

–verb (used with object)
6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7. to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.

–verb (used without object)
8. to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.
9. Archaic . to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in ).

—Idiom
10. hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it: We are hoping against hope for a change in her condition.

My preferred definitions are the verbs.
Which to me makes perfect sense, because HOPE is an action. (at least with me)
It's something that moves, that inspires, that drives me to hang in there.

I pulled a few verses that have HOPE as well.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation. 1 Peter 1:13

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. 1 Peter 1:3

But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, 1 Peter 3:15

I don't know where you are today or what you are going through, I know that this year has been tough for me.
With relationships failing, with health issues, with the state of our country, the loss of life all around us.
All these circumstances can get a person down- I know that it's been getting me down- but we have reason to HOPE, we have our ever present Savour who loves us more than we can imagine.
So lets "rest our hope fully upon the grace" (1 Peter 1:13).
And lets trust that things really will turn out for the best, because that is what God wants for us, even when we can't see it.

May HOPE be the fuel to your faith today.

Here's a little music with HOPE today as well. Addison Road- HOPE NOW

I wish...

2011-01-25T20:23:00.000-06:00

Today I wish February 3rd was here already.

That's the day of my next doctors appointment.

The last few weeks I've been doing a different form of writing.

Writing on my little calendar.

Every little pain, every little abnormality...

All so I can go in and have a full and accurate "account" of what's going on for her.

In some ways I wish I had started it sooner.

In other ways I wish I didn't have to do this at all.

In some ways it's pretty scary.

Tonight was a rough night in terms of what I had to write down.

And I'll admit there were more then a few tears.

Not that all of them were from that but most of them were.

Almost all of them were.

But it will be ok.

One way or the other.

It just has to be.

You Are More...

2011-01-24T15:19:00.000-06:00

So I LOVE this song, the words that it says.

If you would just take a moment and not only listen but read them.
Allow them to sink in.
Allow God to speak to you through it.

I don't know if you're like me.
If you struggle with past mistakes, if you worry that you will make more.
If you wonder how a God as great and wonderful as ours can forgive us.

But I know that he does forgive us.
That he does love us.
That he is here with us.
Whispering these same words to us.

We are more...
Not because of our own strength but because of who us is.

I went to the New Guy's church this Saturday...no I'm not leaving mine. After all I'm the junior high youth pastor there, and I love my kids to much to change churches right now.

But another friends goes to his church as well and I had told her I was going to visit before everything had gone down with him. Plus he did finally call last week and apologized to me for his lack of communication and all that. I'm not sure that I really think things will work with us but I'm willing to give him another shot and see if this can at least amount to a nice friendship.

But I'm getting of track with what I wanted to say...

The pastor at the church had us speak some declarations, when we were there Saturday.

This is what they were:

• I set the course of my life with my declarations

• God is with me, therefore I declare I cannot be defeated, discouraged, depressed or disappointed

• I am the head and not the tail. I have insight. I have wisdom. I have ideas and divine strategies. I have authority.

• As I speak Gods promises, they come to pass. They stop all attacks, assaults, oppression and fear from my life.

• I have the wisdom of God today. I will think the right thoughts, say the right words and make the right decisions in every situation I face.

• I expect to have powerful divine appointments today to heal the sick, raise the dead, to prophesy life, to lead people to Christ, to bring deliverance, to release signs and wonders and to bless every place I go.

• I expect the best day of my life spiritually, emotionally, relationally and financially in Jesus name. Amen!

I thought they were pretty good, and most of them were very fitting with some of the things I've personally been going through.
This is the pastor's blog if you want to check it out.

My hope is that between declarations like these, and songs like the one above I'll be reminded to get out of this funk I'm in.

Because I know God doesn't want me there. Not matter what's going on (or not going on) in my life.

Sleepy

2011-01-22T21:34:00.000-06:00

So I'm sure you can guess the next line...

I'm sleepy. It's been a long day, but a good one.

One I didn't get hardly any of the things I had planed to done.
But oh well. It was still very nice.

I spent the day with my best friend. She's totally different from me.

But I love her to death and she loves me pretty much the same.
Thankfully her husband is ok with that. :)

We did some shopping, saw the Narnia movie, had a late lunch, a little more shopping. And then she went to church with me.

It was good.

And needed. I had another little scare yesterday.
I'm spotting again. And there's more pain.

So I'm a little worried. But a day like today helped with that
To take my mind off the what ifs.

Because let's face it. I know something is wrong. I just don't know what.
However I'm trying to choose to move forward and trust God with this.
No matter what the outcome means for my future.
Even if that means no kids. I'm honestly having a hard time with that the most.
Well that and pain forever, but that's tough no knowing who I'll marry or when and having to go through all this possibly alone.
I don't like it.
But I know I can trust God fully in this.

So here's to trusting.

And to February 3rd. When I have my next doctors appointment.
Hopefully we will get some answers. And I not. I'll keep trusting the one who is most trustworthy.

I NEEDED that....

2011-01-19T17:10:00.002-06:00

Ok, yesterday's post was a big downer.

I knew that when I was writing it, it was hard to write.

But I NEEDED to write it.

I NEEDED to get that out.

I NEEDED to put it down somewhere

And I NEEDED to admit it to myself that I really was feeling that way.

If you've read anything I've written in the last year or if you know me, you know I'm not perfect and I never claim to be. I am striving to be, because I feel that we should live as Christ lived.
And he was perfect, even in all his struggles, even in everything he had/choose to go through.

So I want to be perfect, right or wrong I do. Because I want to be worthy of his sacrafice. I want to be worthy of his gift to me, of his love. And sometimes I know I put to much pressure on myself.

Sometime I know I need to remember this....

Isaiah 40:31. "...but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

And honestly I know that deep down right now, my hormones are totally out of wack. And that plays a big factor in how I feel.
But today I had a good day. I feel good. Yes I'm still in pain today but I got things accomplished and I don't feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster.
I call my Doctor and have an appointment in a few weeks to see if we can figure out what is going on.
I know this needs to get sorted out. That we need to come up with a solution. Because honestly I don't want to keep going on with all these jumbled emotions.

So for now I'm going to work on pressing in. I'm going to work on looking for the good in all things, no matter how I feel.

Psalms30:5 Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.

And I'm going to remember this too...

Psalms 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good,
abounding in love to all who call to you.

sunrise in Oceanside, CA

Valleys

2011-01-18T15:36:00.000-06:00

I feel like I'm really walking in the Valley right now...

I feel like life is one big struggle right now...

Maybe it's those winter blues, maybe it's the passage of another year, maybe it's what seems like the lack of interest from that boy, maybe it's lack of sleep.

I wish I knew what it really was that had me down.

That thing that seems to keep pushing me down.

That the thing that seems to, no matter how I try to get up, keeps rushing back to me.

I don't like this, HATE would probably be a good word for it.

I'm not that girl. The sad, irritable, semi-depressed girl I see in the mirror. The one I see even through the forced smile, I can see it in those brown eyes.

The one that is longing for someone to just wrap her in their arms and allow her to cry it out while they rub her back and say everything is going to be fine.

I'm not that girl. I'm the one who people come to for strength and encouragement.

The one that others lean on, not the one that leans on others.

And I know, I KNOW what the word says, I know that He PROMISES he won't leave or forsake.

"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” Deut 31:6

But I don't feel like I have it in me right now to be STRONG and of Good COURAGE.

So What do I do?

I'm trying just to hang in there right now. But even little things seem to set me off right now.

And it's hard. I know some people can tell I'm struggling, Some try to be encouraging, by saying things like...

they know I'm tired of being patient, but to just keep my head up. That God has a plan and I'm an amazing person. (how can they know, they are neither 30 or single)

Or that God has someone really special for me. Because I'm so special. (I'm not really questioning my specialness)

Or that its all in God timing. (duh, it's always God's timing)

I KNOW these things deep down...

I've probably heard most of them repeatedly, more times than I could count, in the last 15 years.

And while they mean well, sometimes those words hurt. Sometimes they get lost in the pain. Sometimes words aren't what someone needs (odd as it is for me to say that since I'm writing) Sometimes all we need is someone to just be there with us in the journey.
To simply sit with us, to simply stand with us and just be there.

TO JUST BE WITH US

In our hurt, pain, disappointment, struggles, or whatever it is that we are experiencing.

I don't (nor do others who are hurting) expect some to have those right words, the "golden" words.
If you're not near in distance a simple- wish I was there to give you a hug, sit with you, or grab coffee, is often FELT just like those actual things.

I KNOW -with out a shadow of a doubt- that God hasn't left. That he does understand, that he does have someone. That he sees and even FEELS my pain (& yours too).
And I know he will work it out for his good-

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

I KNOW I am called according to HIS Purpose, even if I don't understand the whys of this time in my life.

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. JAMES 1:2-8

While I am finding it hard to count it as joy- I'm believing that God has his reasons for all this. And I'm doing all I can to persevere.

Will you sit with me, pray with me, just be with me in this journey. I don't expect you to have the answer, I just want to know you're there with me in it. Sticking with me in all things, just like I'll stick with you.
Even if you are struggling, irritable, semi-depressed, or tearful.

I'm tired....

2011-01-16T22:15:00.001-06:00

It's been a long weekend. And honestly I'm tired. Very tired.

Friday night I celebrated my Birthday with my sisters, which was nice.
We did a little shopping (so I could pick out my birthday presents, I've mentioned I'm REALLY hard to shop for so this is usually what I end up doing with my family or they just give me money).

Then we went to see Country Strong, which for the most part wasn't too bad. Especially if you look into all the junk that's in movies these days.

BTW if you ever want to know what is in a movie BEFORE you see it I totally recommend Focus on the Family's movie review site. Plugged In offers not just detailed movie reviews but DVD reviews and TV shows as well. I've found it to be very helpful.
Though I will say sometimes you miss the *spoiler alert* like I did Friday when I was looking up Country Strong so I ended up knowing what was going to happen. Which wasn't very cool. :o(

Saturday we went bridesmaid dress shopping for my sister's wedding in April. And immediately after that I had to rush to one of our local convention centers to work a bridal show with my best friend.
She has hr own photography company and this year we are going to try to work together more. And if she is booked for a wedding on a certain date she is going to pass the person on to me, which honestly weddings scare me, but I think we can make it work. I just plan to practice more before I shoot a wedding on my own.

But aside from being on my feet all day I had a great time. A better time than I expected really. It was a lot of fun getting to talk to people about what we offer and all that. I had thought it might be a little rough being around all the brides all day, given my current and seemingly non ending struggle with my singleness, but I had a good time.

After the show I met up with 10 of the ladies I work with at Outback for some more birthday celebration. It was really nice to go out with everyone and as a bonus we were seated where we could watch the 2nd half of the Steelers/Ravens game and my boys pulled off the win. :o) Which was a GREAT birthday present.

Then a few of us went and saw the Green Hornet. It was pretty good, funny actually.
Though again I say check out the review, especially if you have kids, I don't know that I would let me kids see that movie; if I had kids.

So Saturday was a really good day, a lot of fun.

Today was a pretty good day too.

5 of my kids from youth got baptized this morning which was beyond fantastic.

It's something we've been talking about for awhile now so it was great to see them make the commitment and do it.

Then I had lunch with my parents and sisters, followed by a little grocery shopping. And now 4 of my kids from our mission trips are here at the house.

they are all in college (ok Megan is actually interning at her church so she's not but they are all college age) 2 of they go to school about 30min away so they like to come over so I can feed them.

The even funnier thing is that when they come over they want to watch the Twilight movies.
Did I mention that 3 of the 4 are boys, and when we watched Twilight it was just the 2 boys, they are the ones that wanted to watch it.
Tonight we are watching New Moon, it's hilarious to hear the commentary that comes along with it from the boys. They are certainly paying more attention to it then Megan and I are.

The house is full of laughter which is pretty great.

Because honestly I've been down since my Birthday approached this week. And then passed, and here I am still single.

When it comes to talking to God, I'm still trying to press in, to figure out the whys of all of this.
The when will it be my turn or when will this desire go away.

And to be honest there have been some angry moments. Not angry at God really, just angry about things and the way they are. But hey, God can handle that. He understands all of it and not that he's happy that I feel this way but he is certainly able to handle how I feel.

And I know he's here with me through all of this, but sometimes it just sucks.
And I'm trying to understand, trying to be patient, trying to believe that one day, it will all work out.
One day I won't be going through all of this, and I really do believe that DEEP DOWN but it's hard right now to really cling to that hope.

It's hard to just put a smile on my face and tell people I'm fine when they ask how I am. It's hard to keep smiling, it's hard not to cry at random times.
I'm so tired of it of putting on that brave face. Of needing to put on the brave face, tired of needing to wait, believe, hope.
I wish some days it was all over all done. That I could just be in a place where I could rest.

Maybe someday it will happen soon.

Maybe someday....I won't be so tired.

So I did it...

2011-01-14T22:50:00.000-06:00

So after the lack of real response from the new guy yesterday, what I wanted to do was call.

And basically ask him one thing....

Still Interested?

But because I was a tad irritated yesterday I decided to give myself a day to cool off a little more.

So today around 5:30p.m. I left this voicemail,...only because he didn't pick up the phone.

" Hey (his name) it's Leann, look I'm calling because I'm getting the feeling you're no longer interested anymore. So if you could let me know one way or the other I'd really appreciate it. ummm, yeah, thanks. bye."

It's now almost 11p.m. and there has been NO RESPONSE. So my guess is that I was pretty spot on.

So much for that guy right.

I'm so tired of all of this. :o(

31 sucks

2011-01-14T09:01:00.000-06:00

**2 things**
1.I started this post yesterday, which was not a good day.
2. This is not meant to be a sympathy gathering post just one that is stating how I feel. The tone of it is pretty non optimistic. I do know that God has a plan and all that. I just wish I could see a little part of it.

So far 31 isn't shaping up to be better than 30 was.

What a GREAT day...know that comment is dripping with sarcasm.

It started by having to get out of bed this morning, normally I sleep through the night but last night I was up, and up, and up.
Then kept looking at the clock till about 15 min before the alarm was to go off.

So I got up, got ready, when I managed to burn my neck with my curling iron.

I then headed to work, where I got stuck behind people that didn't want to drive even though the lights were green, so I was late for work.

Then about an hour after I was there our receptionist decided that she would announce to everyone that it was my Birthday, over the speaker, so EVERYONE knew. And I guess she thought it would be cute to tell everyone I was 29...not 31. (I'm sure her intentions were to be nice) Which made it so I was telling everyone all day that I was not 29 but 31. Which wasn't exactly fun. (No I have no issue with being 31 it's just a number, but when people think you are making it out like it is it's not fun at all).

(TMI Coming up) Oh and I started the day before which means I REALLY started full on yesterday. Which is pretty painful after having the appendix out...still. So I was in pain most of the day. And really hormonal, and really irritable and emotional.

Then I decided I'd text the New Guy to check on him, after all I still hadn't heard about the family emergency. And I was concerned.

So I said this " Hey don't want to bother you, I'm sure you probably still have a lot on your plate but I wanted to see how you are. And let you know you and the fam are in my prayers."
I should mention to I had called Wednesday night on my way home from church to see if I could talk to him, you know instead of doing all this via text.

This is what I got back -"Hey chica- saw you called last night. Sorry about lack of comm. Not necessarily 'busy' just paced. How are things w/ u?"

Which I'm sorry- kinda set me off. I mean one I didn't say he was BUSY- I basically figured with just getting back, then having a family emergency and all that, he probably just didn't have time or desire to communicate. And what the heck is paced? I'd never even had that mentioned to me before.

So I asked "I'm sorry- What is paced?"
To which he said."Means...on the go. Just started school back up as well last night-blah"

And even though I respond to that, and did shortly later tell him I was ok. (because I had forgotten) I haven't heard anything else.

Now the vibe I've gotten from this is that he's no longer interested. Is that what you all get? Maybe I'm wrong here, but I just can't help but get this feeling.

So after all of that I still had the work day to finish out, which resulted in about 5 paper cuts.

I went to the gym after work, because I felt pretty bad still and thought maybe I could "work it out", which didn't work. Then went home and curled up with the heating pad.
All alone.
I'm not sure where my sister was (probably out with her fiance) but she wasn't home till about 9ish.

Then she asked if I had a good day where upon her doing that I broke down into tears and went to bed. I didn't want to talk about it.
Where I cried & prayed asking God what the heck and all that for probably a half hour before falling asleep.

So yes, 31 sucked. At least day one of it.

Next year, I plan to be out of the country for my birthday. Where no one can reach me via phone or text or even email.
Where I can just pretend that it's one more day. Maybe then it won't be such a crappy day.
I really don't like my birthday.

GRAY?

2011-01-13T13:08:00.001-06:00

*Faith Barista Jam* How God is calling you to be more bold or confident?
So, this is something that I’ve been tossing around in my mind for a while now. Which just makes me smile again at how God works, since it falls along the same lines Bonnie is on for Today’s Faith Barista Jam.

See I was having a conversation with a co worker last week. We were talking about well, sex honestly, and couples co habituating and all of that. And then I made a comment about how it’s not something I ever want to do, not that I’m judging or anything and it’s a choice you have to make. Since It’s not my place to judge.

And while it’s true it’s NOT MY PLACE to do the judging, that doesn’t make it any less wrong. It hit me when I said that, how wrong it is to make that statement. It would be one thing for me to say “I’m not judging you for what you do”, but the way I said it kinda made it like I was passing it off as it being ok for that to be something you do, that there isn’t anything wrong with it. But that’s not true is it?

(courtesy of Google Images)

See I think we (myself included) as a society these days have decided we are going to live in this gray area. Because gray is more comfortable. But to me, as I’ve been tossing the idea in my head GRAY is choosing not to choose. It’s like saying; I’m not going to say that’s right or wrong, more often than not because we don’t want to offend anyone.

But we do a disservice to others when we don’t call right, right or wrong, wrong. In fact in a lot of ways we are lying to them; because we are making out something to be ok when it’s really not.

So since this conversation last week I’ve been feeling a call to be bolder in the truth; even if it is truth about something that may be hard for a person to hear, even if it is a truth that is hard for me to say. Because…

John 8:32

And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

Who doesn’t want freedom? I think deep down even though we may not recognize that we want it we ALL want it.

I know that no matter who I am dealing with they deserve the truth; I think we all feel that way even if it’s something we don’t want to really hear. And in the long run it’s something that will benefit us.

It may be hard in some cases to speak the truth, and I will say that in those cases especially it MUST be spoken in love, but it still needs to be spoken.

After all we do live in black or white, not a shade of gray.

I'm pretty sure I don't like...

2011-01-12T17:00:00.002-06:00

My Birthday...

(courtsey of Google Images)

Not that I've ever really been a big fan of it.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with people, that's one thing I love, so I love getting together with people for my Birthday I just don't like my Birthday.

And tomorrow is the day. The day I say GOODBYE to 30 and will say hello to 31.
Which like I've eluded to, 30 wasn't my year.
So I have hope that 31 will be better.
I certainly plan on not repeating the same mistakes that I made in the last year so that should help.

But honestly, even things in the last week haven't been great, so I'm not putting a lot of stock in this Birthday being better.
After all I still haven't heard from the New Guy after last Friday's Disappointment something that I had been hoping for. Even if it was just a call kinda explaining things a little more.
You know just something I was looking forward to for this Birthday.

But really even with that, I hate that I have to make so many decisions when it comes down to things because of the birthday.
Like where we all get together to eat for the celebration. (So far there are 3 planned and I have to pick all 3) And I also have to pick the movie. That's hard for me with a group of us because what if someone doesn't want to see something.
And really I just don't do well with making decision. In most cases I just don't care.
Which it honestly the truth. Unless something just sounds bad be it food wise or movie I don't care what we do, where we go, or who we see.
It's just the whole act of getting together that I really like.

So can't someone do me a favor and pick for me? That's what I'd really like for my Birthday.

That and for the New Guy to actually call me.

Scripture for the Year

2011-01-10T22:40:00.000-06:00

Last year 2010 our church ladies sent out a group facebook email asking us to share the scripture we felt God was giving us or placing on our hearts, I believe my pastors wife (who retired this past October) may have been the one that started it.

But even though she wasn't with us this year they've done it again. Which is good. Great in fact. Some people have some good ones...Like...

Mark 6:31 "And He said to them, "Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while."

John 15 9-11 "As Christ's love is unconditional...obey Christ's Word, abide in His love. To come to experience and understand His love for me. (11)Experience Christ's love = Complete Joy!"

Romans 12:14-17 ''Bless those who persecute you.Rejoice with those who rejoice,weep with those who weep,Be of the same mind toward one another, do not be haughty in mind but associate with the lowly.Do not be wise in your own estimation.Never pay back evil for evil to anyone.''

All really good ones if you ask me. This year though, I had mine before I ever knew we were going to be doing this, In fact I had it before the new year started.

It's this:
ROMANS 8:6-8 (read a few ahead and then below for full meaning)

6 For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. 7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. 8 So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Most of you who have been reading this know that last year was a hard year for me. Everything that happened with the Ex it was a rough year. A year I never imagined having. A year I hope to never repeat. I know that for me this means certain specific things, but the more I think on it, it makes me think of all sin.
That our sinful nature is our carnal nature, not just when it comes to men/women and all that but greed, pride, gluttony and all those things.
And if we are in the flesh we can't please God.

I don't know about you, and nor is it my place to judge where you are, but I do know this; Wrong is wrong. No matter how pretty we paint it up to be, or how nice it is made out to look. No matter how we may want to justify that what we are doing isn't hurting anyone, that's not the case...even if we don't hurt other people I truly believe that our sin hurts God, that it saddens him. That he hates to see it.

And while we may not hurt others we certainly hurt ourselves.
I know my personal sins from last year hurt me. It may be that those hurts were more emotional wounds then anything else but they are there, they are still there, they may be scars and scabs more now than they are open wounds but they are wounds that are of my own making.

Don't deceive yourselves people, God's word is clear. It is black and white. While we may want to justify to ourselves that things are a big gray area in a lot of places I really don't think that's the case.

I think that if we are to REALLY SEEK out God's word we should have an answer to weather something is right or wrong. Even more so if we pray about things, that will help clarify it.

Maybe though one thing to do is to focus on the positive.
Let's take 2011 and make it a year were we focus on doing the GOOD THINGS God has commanded us to do. Versus just focusing on what he tells us not to. (Not that we shouldn't be watchful of those things).
But by reaching out, taking our focus off us, by ACTIVELY SEEKING to love God more than anything, and LOVE OTHERS as we love ourselves (and yes sometimes for some of us, LOVE OURSELVES as we love others) what a different year 2011 could be.

**Tiny side note. I want to be honest. I didn't share my scripture with the group this year. While I love the ladies in my church most (or all) don't know about the things I went though last year. And while I believe in God using a bad situation for good I didn't think this was one that He was leading me to disclose.
If He leads me to it one day that will be fine, even if it will be very hard.

Big Disappointment Tonight

2011-01-07T21:22:00.000-06:00

SO all week I've been pretty excited, see the New Guy and I were going out tonight.
Our first non weeknight date.
I planned out what I was going to wear, we got off work early and turned the curling iron on and all that.

I've had so many things to talk to him about, things I wanted to ask him, and I felt like I finally got to the point where I'm really excited to do this dating thing. I was really ready to put myself back out there.

So at 5:30 I sent him a text- just to confirm the time. After all the last time we went out was December 14th-
which in all fairness, he left on the 20th for Spain, and as one that travels semi frequently out of country I know communication when you are out isn't easy or always possible, not to mention that it can be expensive. SO I understood not hearing from him for the last 2 1/2 weeks.
He had mentioned he would be back on the 3rd but I wasn't sure so I waited till Tuesday (the 4th) to text him. A simple Happy New Year and Welcome Back. And then I didn't hear anything, until Wednesday night. He called, right in the middle of my teaching the JR High Youth Group. So I couldn't take the call. :o(
He left a strange voicemail that asked me to call him back. But when I did I got his voicemail so I left him a message for him to call again. But never heard back.

SO shortly after I sent my text tonight to confirm the time I got this...
"Oh cuss (I'm assuming he meant a particular word with that one) -chica (which is what he seems to call me) , I'm on my way to Tulsa picking up my sister from the airport. Family emergency. I really am sorry- this has been a brutal week. I take her back Monday. "

Then after I responded I got one that said "Pray for her husband" (with just a tiny more detail) but really nothing that eluded to what was going on.

So I TOTALLY understand, after all if my sisters ever needed anything I'd cancel too... I just am really disappointed.
And I'll be honest I cried. I think there is a part of me that is really afraid I'm going to get to the point where I like this guy and he doesn't like me back.
Crazy I know... I have to take a risk if this is going to work.

But you ladies (or gentlemen if you're out there) if you have any dating tips please feel free to pass them on.
I'm not really sure what to do here, other than wait for him to call or text me when his sister leaves.
Hopefully by that point I'll be a little less emotional about the whole thing.

I just want to stay home...

2011-01-07T14:41:00.000-06:00

I have to head to Tulsa this weekend, for another mission meeting. For a mission trip this summer, a trip that I’m not planning on going on this year.

Not that I don’t love missions still, not that I don’t enjoy the trips; I just really really need a real vacation. I have some friends that I really want to go visit, plus my sister’s wedding and everything related to that.

Plus I’ve had a lot of ups and downs with my health this past year and I want to rest more this year, not travel to Tulsa all the time, and have to work with a bunch of kids to get them where they need to go. I told myself last year I would take a break, and I changed my mind so it’s possible that I may change my mind this year, but to be honest I’m really not feeling it this year. Not the location, not the people, not the desire. That doesn’t mean that I won’t go on a mission trip at all I just think that it means I’m not suppose to go on this one.

Plus there is an unusual factor in this one too…there are slots for 35 people and about 50 or more that want to go on the trip. While I’m leadership, my spot is pretty much guaranteed. So I haven’t turned in my paperwork, or deposit. Usually I put my deposit down just in case I change my mind. I didn’t even want to do that this year. So I figure if there are so many others interested in going on the trip, why should I take someone else’s space? My not going would allow someone who REALLY wants to go the opportunity to go.

So this weekend I’ll find myself breaking the news to my leaders, dear friends of mine, and some pretty great kids (well teenagers) that I won’t be joining them this summer. I’m sure there will be some disappointment, probably even some that try to talk me into it, but personally I just need a break. To rest, relax; focus on the other things that God has for me for this year. Other things that are calling for my attention.

Did I mention to that I've just been exausted this week, and while I do want to see everyone that is going to be there, I'm already so tired that the thought of the 2hr drive is not appealing at all. Or the late nights that I have when I am there.

Oh well though, I'm sure I'll be happy to be there once I am there. That's usually how it happens.

Here's hopeing though that my travels this year lead me to another one of these.

Oceanside, CA

New Year's "Resolute"

2011-01-04T15:56:00.005-06:00

So I don’t do New Year’s resolutions… normally I think they are just a waste.

How often does one make a resolution and then not follow through.

The way I look at it if you want to change, change. Don’t waste your time resolving to do it the first of the year. There’s no rhyme or reason to wait for that. Do it when you see the change needing to be made.

This year though I was looking back on the year, thinking about things, reflecting. And there is something I want to change. The fact of the matter is that the feeling to change just happened to come when I was standing at the Grand Canyon Saturday morning…January 1, 2011.

So while this isn’t really a new year’s resolution I do want to make this change.

I want to work on forgiveness. Not really of others, I feel like I do that ok for the most part. Yes I have my moments where I have to really work past something and then am able to forgive but for the most part I do make it to the forgiveness stage relatively sooner vs. later. But I want and need to work on forgiving myself. I need to cling to the fact that God has forgiven me for my mistakes, even the big ones I made this past year, and I need to move forward. Yes learn from them but I need to let them go.

As I started out this year at the Grand Canyon, where it was indeed very cold. I was stopped by the thought of release. Letting go of all those things that I’d been clinging to, blaming myself about –don’t get me wrong- God hates that I sinned and wasn’t pleased with my actions (FYI I got that one out of the Bible) but I asked for forgiveness, repented, and he is faithful and just to forgive me. 1 John 1:9

SO I’ve decided that I’m letting go of that guilt, and while I don’t think it will be easy to do, because that’s just part of who I am, I do think it’s the right thing to do.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28, NIV.)

And after all, I need to remember, that things in his hands should be just like tossing something into that Grand Canyon. Once there – there is no way I’m going into that canyon to get it back out.

Vacation Adventures (part 1)

2011-01-03T21:40:00.000-06:00

I had a great vacation this past week.

I FINALLY made it out west.

The furthest out west I'd been is Las Vegas, a town I had to go to for work, not a town I'd probably really choose to go to on my own. Not that there is anything really wrong with Vegas. Some people may really like it. I'm just not really one of those people.

But California...I think that is MY state. I love it there. the weather, the scenery, the people. It all seems great. Mind you I was there for a little under a week and we got off to a little bit of a rocky start...but over all I love it there.

So let me tell you what happened when I first arrived there.

So we decided to go to lunch right after I arrived. There was a neat little breakfast place that my friends wanted to try, so we headed there. As we were trying to park (parallel parking sucks in a big ol' suv) we noticed a cop kind of hovering by, right about the time we notice the parking meter is out of order...so we thought ok, were in trouble.

So while most of us are out of the car, the car in front of us moved and Carrie pulled into that spot.

We see the cop speak to a woman that was coming out of the bank, his hand hovering over his gun. She quickly tells us..."get over by this side of the building, someone is robbing the bank!!!"

I think we all looked at her like she was totally nuts! We didn't believe it. So we're standing there. Waiting, motioning for Carrie to stay in the car with baby Sean, trying to figure out what the heck was going on.

Then it was suddenly over, the cop tells us it was a false alarm, that apparently someone in the bank accidentally triggered the silent alarm. Then he tells us "you can park wherever you want".

Good thing the pancakes were really good!

Richard Walker's Apple Pancake

More to come on my vacation adventures very soon....

Love languages

2010-12-30T00:00:00.000-06:00

So I just finished reading the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman.

I decided to start reading this after the new guy asked me how I give and receive love on our last date.
I had thought I'd read the book before. I'd certainly discussed it before.
But when it came down to it and he was asking me about it I didn't know much about it.
I was pretty sure I knew how I gave love according to the 5. But I had no idea how I receive love.
Truth be told. I think I have a pretty hard time receiving it.
And I told him as much. But it made me curious.
So I bought the book. It took me just a little over 2 weeks to read it. It really only took that long since we had all the holiday things going on.
I think I would have had it finished sooner of not for that.

It was a very enlightening book to me.
One that I think will transcend into "regular life" not just my romantic relationship.
It really talks about how to love all those around you, from family to friends, to coworkers and of course boyfriends/girlfriends. Loving them in the way that they need, desire & long to be loved. In the way that they are most Lilly to accept it. They way they crave to be loved.

It took me almost the whole book to figure out how I receive love best. That and the quiz in the back :)
But once I did I could totally see the point an things it was saying on how I desire to be loved.
Now don't get me wrong it's not 100% right on. After all, my primary love language may be Quality time but I also need someone who will call or text, initating communication. I know that I need to know that the person really wants me. That they desire me as a human not just a girl or a bed warmer or something like that.
Which is hard. How do you explain that to a boy?
Is it right or wrong to let them know what you need?
Do you go into the why of it? The aside from the last guy I was seeing, every boy cheated on me? Or is that too much info for a new relationship? And if it is where does the whole honesty thing come into play. If I want things to work, and I think I do, do I lay it all out there? Do I expose my heart? Or hold it all tight and wait till things get farther along?

Hummm, things to ponder as we approach the new year.

One thing I know though. I look forward to putting into practice is loving others as they need to be loved. After all if we do that can we really go wrong?

San Diego

2010-12-29T00:30:00.002-06:00

I've come to CA. A place I've never been before (except LAX which in my book doesn't count).
I arrived yesterday mid day and we spent most of the day out and about. Hitting La Jolla Beach and then going "home" to my friends sister's place in Oceanside.
Today we spend the whole day around Dan Diego. At the beach in Coronado, then Balboa Park, at the Art museum, then shopping at Horton Plaza.
It's so nice here. Mind you right now it's pretty cold at home so the high 60's here in SoCal feel pretty great.
And it's so pretty. With the ocean, beaches, palm trees and everything so green.
I think I could live here.
There's just one problem... The ex is from this area. And it's stirring up all kinds of feelings and emotions and all that. Which sucks.
It's making me miss him. I don't want to miss him. I know things can never work with the two of us, not unless he were to come to know the Lord. And he shows no interest in that. Which just makes me sad again.
But I'm not going to let that ruin my break. I'm going to have a good time and when he comes to mind I'm going to pray for him. And maybe pray for the new guy too ... There's potential there I'm sure. After all I'm looking forward to him returning on the 3rd and really looking forward to the 7th and our date.
If I don't eat myself to a new size before that.

I'm not a fan...

2010-12-25T22:28:00.000-06:00

So the truth is I'm not a fan of Christmas...

(courtesy of Google Images)

I'm not 100% sure why or even when it all really started.

See I come from a Christmas lovin' family.

I mean they really....really love Christmas. So much so that my dad has a Santa hanging on his rear view mirror all year long. Now, please know that my family is full into the spirit of Christmas and all that. And while my dad LOVES Santa it's not the real belief in Santa but what he stands for and all that.

In fact I don't remember ever thinking Santa was "real" but he was always present...but I digress.

That's not the point of this post.

Maybe I don't like the commercialism of the season.

That could be it. I HATE how the world seems to lose the total focus of what the real reason for the season is.
And I hate that it's all about buying, buying, buying. More often then not buying things people don't need and spending money that we don't have.

Or maybe it's just me...while I am normal in the aspect that I do like a little bit of attention I'm not a huge attention seeker.

I don't really care for sitting there with everyone watching me open presents.

I keep thinking that maybe it's just me, maybe I'm odd.
I'm not sure...But I thought I did a pretty good job of not letting my family know that I'm not a big fan of Christmas.
Till today, when my mom & I were standing at the window watching my sister, her husband and my nieces leave. We were commenting on the kiddos and all that and she asked me if I was ok. (something rare, since I'm the "tough" one in the family) and I told her I'm just not that into Christmas.
Her response was "Yeah, you never really have been."

I guess I haven't hidden it as well as I thought I had been :o) And I guess that's ok.

I also know it's ok if I'm not a big fan of the holiday.

I am a big fan of the one the holiday is for. :o) And that's what's really important.

Single Revelations

Stuff Christians Like- Singles Post

I can only imagine...

What a week...

Never Tanning Again....

Singlenss....and grace

I don't know what I want

New Year = changes

Christmas ....meh.

Do it all...

Pastor Said it best...

24 (or more likly 30) Days of Thanksgiving

Something...

Sometimes it's the little things

Trying to catch up

What We (well, actually ME) Fear.

I’ve been there…

Jam Session Thursday- Whitespace

Vacation, Vacation, vacation

Faith Barista Jam- Growing Intrests

Stepping Down

The gift of hospitality *Faith Barista Jam*

Can you help?

Spark

ugh...tonight

So I agreed...

Painting pictures of Egypt

Blah

Not sure where to start

Life is BUSY...

An Oppertunity to Encourage

I couldn't do it...or so I thought.

It's been a busy month

The end of the world...

Quitter?

Journey

Mom and such

Sick & tired....

Negativity Fast & the Battlefield of the Mind… and the Ex.

What Easter means this year...

Don't Count Your Chickens...

Frustrated...Friend

Joy/Joi

Negativity Update- Day 7

Going Gaga....

The Negativity Fast- DAY 4

Tomorrow is the day.

Finding the Whitespace...

What's wrong now...

I am thankful

Third Day Concert

Today I feel like a big baby

"Blessings"

Faith Barista- Creative Rest

Oh What a Night...

What to write...

Forgive yourself- he already has.

Sadness...please pray.

He Loves Me....

I've always loathed this day...

Product Review- Dayspring/ (in)courge

Communicating...

Faith Barista Jam- Single Thoughts on Marriage

Focus in Mark...

so I wrote...

Faith Barista JAM- Unwrapping Love

I like doctors?....

One Day at a time...

drawing a blank

Faith Barista Jam- Hope Now

I wish...

You Are More...

Sleepy

I NEEDED that....

Valleys

I'm tired....

So I did it...

31 sucks

GRAY?

I'm pretty sure I don't like...

The gift of hospitality Faith Barista Jam